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Monkeys Pay for Monkey Porn

michael posted more than 9 years ago | from the is-that-a-banana-in-your-cage-or... dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 391

An anonymous reader writes "Give a monkey some spending money, and he'll blow it on pictures of women monkeys. He'll also pay to see dominant monkeys. But you'll have to pay him to look at inferior monkeys. That's the upshot of a study out of Duke that was designed to explore the 'social machinery of the brain with an eye toward helping autism patients.' Next up -- seriously -- the researchers want to run the same test on Joe Sixpack (sans the monkey business)."

Sorry! There are no comments related to the filter you selected.

Do they - ? (5, Funny)

Black Parrot (19622) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512231)


Do they spank the monkey as part of the experiment?

Re:Do they - ? (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512357)

Not in soviet russia.

Re:Do they - ? (1, Funny)

Fleeced (585092) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512413)

If a million monkeys at a million internet terminals downloaded porn... we'd have a very sticky situation on our hands!

Re:Do they - ? (1)

Randy Wang (700248) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512494)

Monkey see, monkey...

Egads, there's millions of them! O_O

Re:Do they - ? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512537)

My question is, how much would I have to pay to look at monkey porn? And is there a link?

So... (5, Funny)

jtbauki (838979) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512235)

....the next time you get caught looking at porn, you can point to this article and say, "Hey it's not me, it's evolution, baby."

Re:So... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512254)

Yes but that will only prove that your either a monkey or a sub-par human.

sorry, no dice (5, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512324)

My boss doesn't like it when I call him "baby".

Re:So... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512328)

"it's evolution, baby."

Should it worry me that after reading this phrase I went straight to my mp3 folder to see if I had Pearl Jam's "Do the Evolution"?

Re:So... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512420)

Yes.

Pearl Jam Lyrics (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512349)

"Hey it's not me, it's evolution, baby."

I'm ahead, I'm a man
I'm the first mammal to wear pants, yeah
I'm at peace with my lust
I can kill 'cause in God I trust, yeah
It's evolution, baby

I'm at piece, I'm the man
Buying stocks on the day of the crash
On the loose, I'm a truck
All the rolling hills, I'll flatten' em out, yeah
It's herd behavior, uh huh
It's evolution, baby

Admire me, admire my home
Admire my song, here's my coat
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
This land is mine, this land is free
I'll do what I want but irresponsibly
It's evolution, baby

I'm a thief, I'm a liar
There's my church, I sing in the choir:
(hallelujah... hallelujah...)

Admire me, admire my home
Admire my song, admire my clothes
'Cause we know, appetite for a nightly feast
Those ignorant Indians got nothin' on me
Nothin', why?
Because, it's evolution, baby!

I am ahead, I am advanced
I am the first mammal to make plans, yeah
I crawled the earth, but now I'm higher
Twenty-ten, watch it go to fire
It's evolution, baby (2X)
Do the evolution
Come on, come on, come on

Oooh ooh Aaah Aaah! Oooh ooh aaah aaah! (4, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512236)

Grunt, grunt, grunt ...Screeeeeeeeeeech!

Re:Oooh ooh Aaah Aaah! Oooh ooh aaah aaah! (1)

hazah (807503) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512367)

Sounds like you have it all figured out.

Step 2 found? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512237)

Step 1 - get monkeys.

Step 3 - Profit!!

So... (5, Funny)

mattiwatti (844167) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512243)

Where can I download this monkey porn?

Re:So... (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512269)

Picture [curlydavid.com] from the experiment.

Another one [theinsanedomain.com] .

Re: So... (3, Funny)

Black Parrot (19622) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512276)


> Where can I download this monkey porn?

alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.milf

Re:So... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512380)

Shouldn't the parent be anonymous?

Re:So... (1)

Temporal (96070) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512423)

Here. [google.com]

Re:So... (2, Funny)

argStyopa (232550) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512432)

It's like 12.95 a month subscription. I tried.

err... (5, Funny)

Heem (448667) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512247)

FTA:
The rhesus macaque monkeys also splurged on photos of top-dog counterparts


Anyone else get a completely different meaning out of that then they intended?

Re:err... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512258)


You mean they are into bestiality?

The question is.... (2, Funny)

raehl (609729) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512265)

What did the monkeys DO with the photos? If you could say, get Bush photos on a roll of Charmin, I'd be inclined to buy them.

Re:err... (2, Funny)

Alien Being (18488) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512373)

That's what they call "the monkey shot".

Missing Option: (4, Funny)

raehl (609729) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512257)

Crack.

Oh, wait, this wasn't a poll?

Re:Missing Option: (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512342)

I want to be a monkey r0n researcher when I grow up!

No boozers? (3, Funny)

themast (852986) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512259)

What, no 'fermented banana juice' to go with that fresh monkey pr0n?

Hahaha dumb monkeys (5, Funny)

wileycoyoteacme (319236) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512263)

i stopped paying for porn the day i discovered a web browser!

Re:Hahaha dumb monkeys (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512377)

I stopped paying out on people's typing when they discovered the SHIFT key!

Whoa, I'll do ya, but first wear this... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512264)

Next up -- seriously -- the researchers want to run the same test on Joe Sixpack (sans the monkey business)."

Really?

I thought Joe Sixpack only needs a brown bag for most anything that moves.

When you're as fat as I am... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512500)

it's just to hard to catch, with or without a sack.

/.ed already? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512270)

Instead of TFA, all I got was:
height=600 src="http://z1.adserver.com/w/cp.x;rid=1;tid=5;ev= 1;dt=3;ac=57;c=56;" border=0>

Nah... (1)

kiddailey (165202) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512400)


It appears that one of the embedded ad's html is messed up. And since the ads/sponsored links are served somewhat randomly, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Turn off your javascript and it should display fine for you ;)

A is B; B is C; then A is C??? (1)

Dark Coder (66759) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512282)

Does this qualifies us as naturally p0rn addicts... for the rest of us, ./'ers?

Re:A is B; B is C; then A is C??? (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512418)

No. If a creature happens to accept what is put in front of him at certain times, that is not the same as an entire society embracing the manufacture of the thing, and never choosing to step back from it.

Not that I think porn is necessarily wrong, but we're definitely not "natural porn addicts", any more than we're "natural crack addicts".

experiment (4, Insightful)

BorgCopyeditor (590345) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512286)

Give a monkey some spending money, and he'll blow it on pictures of women monkeys.

Would there be anything wrong with this sentence: give a human some spending money and he'll blow it on pictures of female humans?

I guess I'm objecting to the notion that being male is the norm.

Re:experiment (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512296)

well, thats because who'd wanna be female?

lucky theres not many females here! :P

Re:experiment (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512404)

It is for about half the population. Go figure :-/

That's what TFA says (3, Interesting)

characters42 (810242) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512427)

That's what TFA's headline says: Monkeys Pay to See Female Monkey Bottoms.

It would be interesting to know if they really only tried it with a male watcher / female picture combination. If so that would give an interesting insight into the researcher's minds...

Another question then would arise: were the researchers male or female...

Re:experiment (4, Funny)

Feztaa (633745) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512448)

I guess I'm objecting to the notion that being male is the norm.

Don't be silly. Women only exist on the computer screen.

Re:experiment (1)

lachlan76 (770870) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512476)

Well maybe in relation to porn sales ;)

Re:experiment (1)

gl4ss (559668) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512481)

you obviously haven't seen magazines made for women.

vogue etc..

Re:experiment (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512522)

well, maybe you should remove "pictures of" from your last sentence .... and substitute "human" with "male human or lesbian" :o)

No free monkey porn? (1)

saladami (827277) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512290)

This just proves the inferiority of monkeys, since everyone knows there's plently of free monkey porn on the net. Is monkeyporntorrents.com registered?

Explains Forbes and Playboy. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512298)

I've often heard Forbes described as porn for Fundamentalist Republicans -- guess this monkey research backs that up.

You Have The Right To A Peel (3, Funny)

tiktok (147569) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512300)

Peel a banana for a monkey, and he'll be fed for a day.

Teach a monkey to surf the Internet, and he'll find his own peelers.

Re:You Have The Right To A Peel (1)

Brian Brian (849676) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512354)

Or give a monkey a banana and he is fed for a day. Teach a monkey to get his own bananas and you destroy your customer base.

Humans already do this (1, Insightful)

spineboy (22918) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512301)

A lot of guys already do this - they pay to see ESPN -it's considered dominant males by those who watch it.

Personally, I think most sports fans are a little "gay". They'd rather watch a bunch of sweaty guys jumping all over eachother, than, say fashion TV - where hot models walk down the runway.

Re:Humans already do this (4, Funny)

lachlan76 (770870) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512334)

Well you can get naked chicks on the internet for free. Why pay for another cable channel? ;)

Re:Humans already do this (5, Insightful)

joke_dst (832055) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512359)

This is just homophobia driven to the extreme...

Watching sports is not a sexual behaviour, but rather a herd behaviour. It strengthens the bond to the "herd", in this case the followers of the same team. It also appeals to the competitive side of humans, since sports (usually? always?) are a competition. It's hardly a display of gay sexuality.

Re:Humans already do this (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512402)

but males in sports always start hugging eachother in celebration when they win something. What other time would they do that? There's a subtle sexualisation of contact when a single-gender group with comradary is together and separate from the other gender. This is why certain social groups are full of bisexuals, like Arab males and teenage Spanish and Italian females.

Re:Humans already do this (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512444)

Who marked that marked flamebait ?

Probably someone that didn't live in mahgreb, where young sex discrimination does pushes bissexuality.

Stoopid americans, pushing their morale on the rest of the world. Morons.

Re:Humans already do this (1)

dabigpaybackski (772131) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512454)

You know, it's weird: whenever I watch NFL, I just feel like doing whatever other people are doing. But instead of having a numbered tag in my ear, I wear a numbered jersey of my favorite team.

Re:Humans already do this (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512493)

Sure, keep telling yourself that.

Re:Humans already do this (1, Insightful)

AftanGustur (7715) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512538)


This is just homophobia driven to the extreme...

It is your reaction that is a extreme reaction to a post that said "little gay" and was nothing extreme about.

Why don't you try to ansver that post on the subject instead of attacking the author ?

Re:Humans already do this (2, Insightful)

sgant (178166) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512374)

Nah, I lump rabid sports fans in the same catagory of Star Trek fans.

Let's look at this.

1. Both fans get dressed up as their favorite character/player.

2. They both will buy lots of memorabilia.

3. Both are always glued to the TV to watch their show/game.

4. Both talk non-stop with other people about their show/game...even with people that couldn't give a shit.

5. Both know minute trivia about their favorite show/game.

But one is generally accepted and welcomed in pursuing their passion while the other is shunned and joked and beat-up by the other.

Re:Humans already do this (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512395)

Seriously. Its all the same man. If I had a nickle for every time some trekker set his phaser to stun and blasted me just because I wanted to watch the cubs game, I'd be rich. So what that some people just don't see the point of the Prime Directive when we can't even get things on this planet right?

Don't even get me started on the torment of the cool geeks on us poor jocks in high school.

Re:Humans already do this (2, Insightful)

Kynde (324134) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512391)

A lot of guys already do this - they pay to see ESPN -it's considered dominant males by those who watch it.

Personally, I think most sports fans are a little "gay". They'd rather watch a bunch of sweaty guys jumping all over eachother, than, say fashion TV - where hot models walk down the runway.


Insightfull start but why did you flush it down the toilet with nimwit remark. It even counters your starts.

Re:Humans already do this (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512397)

Because it was insightful.

Re:Humans already do this (1)

Capt'n Hector (650760) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512403)

Victoria's Secret fashion show is one of the most popular attractions (and I do mean that in every sense of the word) on TV. And I think most people just watch the superbowl for the ads...

Re:Humans already do this (1)

the grace of R'hllor (530051) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512465)

It's called the 'catwalk'. The runway is where aircraft take off.

And Fashion TV just has a lots of sticks with clothes strutting up and down repetitively. Once you come to that realization, all interest fades. Zapping around from Fashion TV, which a colleague switches the TV to all the goddamn time, to random channels at work one sunday morning gave me:
- Report on exotic dancers (including demonstrations, nipples blurred for public TV)
- Yoga by two young ladies with huge breasts, bending and twisting and grinding, oh my.

Both infinitely more interesting to watch.

THEN... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512488)

...why do they call 'em 'runway models'?

you've been listening to too much Right Said Fred.

Why not? (2, Funny)

inode_buddha (576844) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512304)

Why don't the monkeys have filesharing? Then they could spank themselves to death. Maybe they were humans before the MPAA got them or something.

michael jackson (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512312)

Insert your own mj & bubbles joke here.

Re:michael jackson (2, Funny)

Alien Being (18488) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512370)

It's perfectly normal for a grown man to share his bed with juvenile monkeys. hee heeeee

Ig Noble Prize Material (2, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512313)

This is Ig Noble Prize [improb.com] material! Last years Psychology Ig Nobel Prize [harvard.edu] winner won for "Gorilla's In Our Midst", showing that "when people pay close attention to something, it's all too easy to overlook anything else -- even a woman in a gorilla suit." Clearly, monkey butts is important follow-up research that also deserves a prize.

Re:Ig Noble Prize Material (5, Interesting)

johnlcallaway (165670) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512410)

I must disagree. I have read several books that attempt to show coorelation between primate behavior and many human behaviors. These studies are important in the nature/nurture arguments and important in learning how to treat social and mental disorders.

Besides, anything that strengthens the argument that watching p0rn is natural gets my vote for futher funding.

some spending money (4, Funny)

cgenman (325138) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512315)

Give a monkey some spending money, and he'll blow it on pictures of women monkeys.

I wish they would stop referring to the students at Duke like that.

Re:some spending money (0, Troll)

Punboy (737239) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512331)

They're referring to the professors. The students use Kazaa, GNUTella, and other P2P networks. The professors are far too dignified to get their porn through such "dirty" means.

Re:some spending money (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512428)

Exactly. Not all of the porn addicts at Duke are women, I'm sure ;)

Evolution? (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512327)

If you put an infinite amount of monkeys in a room with a bunch of Internet terminals, do they eventually come up with a new business model for online pr0n?

Come here monkey.... (0, Troll)

pinball667 (848816) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512330)

You have spankings left to complete... Can someone please read the article and give me a summary? It's far to late in the redneck infested mid west USA to give a shit.

Next up, Joe six pack watches his mom get stuck in the bum and whacks off to IE inhanced internet porn.

Seriously, they should have put a cap on the inbreading when the south lost the war.

Re:Come here monkey.... (1)

wheany (460585) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512474)

What?

Re:Come here monkey.... (1)

DigiShaman (671371) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512508)

Yeee haw!!!

I only give a shit because I see your mom in the photos.

I, for one... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512351)

I for one, welcome our new masturbating monkey overlords.

Re:I, for one... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512458)

They're new?

Well, (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512353)

Duh!

From the desk of Curious George... (3, Funny)

SlimFastForYou (578183) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512356)

I for one welcome our new female monkey porn dealing researcher overlords!

Re:From the desk of Curious George... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512461)

Sorry to hear it.

Oh, great (4, Funny)

andreMA (643885) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512361)

Just when the AOLers finally got booted from USENET [slashdot.org] , we'll have (another) group of primates arriving to endlessly post "MEEEE TOOO!!!!!"

Or perhaps the change will raise the overall level of discourse. Hard to say.

Hmm, I wonder which monkeys they used. (1)

Lord Graga (696091) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512362)

Steve Balmer must have been one of them.

Re:Hmm, I wonder which monkeys they used. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512469)

Steve Balmer is a monkey? I thought he was a cyborg.

monkey movies! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512372)

"Next up -- seriously -- the researchers want to run the same test on Joe Sixpack"
they already have. statistics via big screen movie sales and reactions via imdb posts.

So, HOW can monkeys tell who is dominant (4, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512382)

In a very un-Slashdot-like manner, I have actually read the article (It was on Fark.com before Slashdot picked it up). I find the following part interesting:
Curiously, the monkeys in the test hadn't had any direct physical contact with the monkeys in the photos, so they didn't have personal experience with who was hot and who was not.

"So, somehow, they are getting this information by observation -- by seeing other individuals interact," said Michael Platt of the Duke University Medical Center.

So, the question is: How are the monkeys able to see who is dominant and who is not?

Re:So, HOW can monkeys tell who is dominant (3, Funny)

B747SP (179471) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512426)

So, the question is: How are the monkeys able to see who is dominant and who is not?

Aww, geee, I dunno. It's just a wild and crazy guess on my part, and I certainly don't know exactly how it works with monkeys, but as far as squirrels go, I reckon that this squirrel [recollectionbooks.com] is a dominant one.

Re:So, HOW can monkeys tell who is dominant (1)

srjames (849628) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512475)

How do you determine if another (human) male is "dominant" by observation? If someone is twice your size then they're going to be able to dominate you physically, which is really what matters to primates.

Re:So, HOW can monkeys tell who is dominant (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512491)

There are clues.. I have theories.. For example:

A fat female is unattractive because it looks like she is pregnant.

A bold man is attractive because his head looks like a big.. well, you know what.

People in uniforms are attractive, because they they look alike, which means they were so successful that they were able to multiply so much.

The above points apply to humans, but it's the same with monkeys I guess.

I Can See It Now, (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512384)

And the Winner of the 2005 Ignoble Prize for Human Psychology with their study of Bestality pornography in controlled primate environments is...

It would be too much to expect... (3, Interesting)

kid-noodle (669957) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512393)

That we'd get anything other than a stream of 'spank the monkey' jokes, I suppose.
I mean, I'll grant you that they're easy... But for all that the circumstances of the study make for plenty of nice crass jokes, it does raise some very interesting questions - hands up who else thought watching sports, and porn, were singularly human proclivities?

Apart from the mild fascination attatched to what this tells us about our extra-fuzzy relatives, it gives an interesting perspective on what it is to be human, how divorced are we from our fellow animals? From those things we like to refer to as 'animal instincts'?

But, since it's all too easy.. I'll let you construct a joke based on dominant monkeys, and American politics, as an exercise for the reader.

Re:It would be too much to expect... (1)

Feztaa (633745) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512456)

were singularly human proclivities?

Like, your preponderance for verbosity perturbs me, an' shit.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spank my monkey. Bad monkey! Bad!

And what do female monkeys pay for? (2, Interesting)

Redshift (7411) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512394)

... and what do they have to be paid to do?

And how do researchers spend money? (5, Funny)

adityapk (841961) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512398)

>Give a monkey some spending money, and he'll blow it on pictures of women monkeys

Give researchers some money, and they'll spend it on monkey porn

Bestiality (5, Interesting)

britneys 9th husband (741556) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512401)

Ok, silly question...

If a male monkey gets off on looking at pictures of naked (human) women, is that considered bestiality?

How long? (1)

Gallowsgod (766508) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512406)

If you give a hundred monkeys a hundred laptops, how long will it take before they start posting on /.?

Or has this already happened? ;-)

Re:How long? (1)

rich42 (633659) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512514)

don't be stupid.

monkeys are too smart to post on slashdot.

I found the "dominant monkey" pics (2, Funny)

GroeFaZ (850443) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512445)

there you go [anvari.org]

Infinite ... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 9 years ago | (#11512467)

Are you sure this research wasn't written by one of those infinite number of monkeys [wikipedia.org] ? ;-)

shemale monkey porn (1)

rich42 (633659) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512471)

they need to redo this study with shemale monkey porn.

from all the spam I get - I have to assume that's where the real monkey money is at.

Masturbation probably kills brain cells... (1)

chucks86 (799149) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512479)

Well, I had a joke that didn't involve both "spanking" and "monkey" in it, but after seeing all of the other ones, I can't picture anything but a monkey masturbating...

Monkeys - pr0n - IQ Test (2, Funny)

characters42 (810242) | more than 9 years ago | (#11512482)

Just wondering why there is an ad for an IQ test on the page of TFA - side by side with the monkeys...

Seems just like a nice allegory to the evolution of man: Monkeys -> pr0n -> IQ Test

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