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What's the Best Geek Joke You Know?

Cliff posted more than 8 years ago | from the limericks-and-jests-and-jokes-oh-my dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 449

super_ogg writes "To break some of the office blues, I decided to tell the worst geek joke I know: 'Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)!' Some groaned, some laughed, but only a geek could understand it. I was wondering what are some of the best/worst geek jokes people have out there for the Slashdot community?"

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Best geek joke: (4, Funny)

TripMaster Monkey (862126) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894782)


Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you.

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop...whereupon it sticks about halfway down.

Now, it's a well-known tradition in capital punishment that if the execution apparatus fails for any reason, this is interpreted as a sign from God, and the death sentence is commuted. Accordingly, the doctor walks away, still very much alive.

The lawyer is next. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop...whereupon it sticks in the exact same spot.
Same rules apply...lawyer walks.

The engineer is last. The executioner straps him down, as he hoists the blade aloft, the engineer twists his neck around, peers up at the blade, and says:

"You know, I think I see your trouble there..."
^_^

Changing a Light Bulb (5, Funny)

waynegoode (758645) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894795)

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. It's a hardware problem.

Re:Changing a Light Bulb (5, Funny)

negative3 (836451) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895080)

How do you tell an extrovert engineer from an invtrovert? And extrovert engineer will look at your shoes when he talks to you.

Re: Changing a Light Bulb (1)

mangu (126918) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895233)

Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 376. One to hold the bulb and 375 [mit.edu] to drink until the room starts spinning around.

Binary Addition (1)

BladeMelbourne (518866) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894822)

1 + 1 = 10

Lame, yes, but good to confuse the less elite programmers at work. I should put it on the apptitude test we give job seekers.

Re:Binary Addition (1)

TripMaster Monkey (862126) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894843)


Well...there are 10 types of people...those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Re:Binary Addition (1)

BladeMelbourne (518866) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895456)

The joke is that the answer is 11 - too subtle maybe, but suprising how many programmers assume it is right without checking.

You spotted it though :-)

Well,,, (3, Funny)

Otter (3800) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894851)

"...but a talking frog is cool!"

"...if one more person enters the building, it will be empty."

"No, but I know where I am."

"Yeah, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."

"Unix Airlines: You walk out to the runway and they give you a box of tools and some airplane parts. The passengers form into groups and start building twelve different planes."

Have I missed anything?

Re:Well,,, (1)

fireweaver (182346) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895152)

"Unix Airlines: You walk out to the runway and they give you a box of tools and some airplane parts. The passengers form into groups and start building twelve different planes."

Actually, that should be FORTH Airlines. ;-)

"...but a talking frog is cool!" (3, Funny)

lilmouse (310335) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895304)

Damn. I know some of these.

"...but a talking frog is cool!"

As I heard it: An engineer is walking down the road one day, and, seeing a frong on the side of the road, bends down to look at it. Suddenly, it pipes up and talks to him!

"I may look like a frog now, but I'm really a princess - if you kiss me, I'll turn back into my real self!"

The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, puts it in his (pocket protected) shirt pocket and goes on to the lab.

When he gets to the lab, he puts the frog down to get some work done, and she opens her mouth to speak:

"I tell you, I'm a beautiful princess! If you kiss me, I'll turn back, and I'll do anything you want!"

The engineer smiles, and goes on with is work. After he's done, he picks the frog up. She again starts talking to him:

"Look, I'm a princess turned into a frog! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful woman. I'll do whatever you want! And I'll stay with you forever!"

The engineer peers at the frog, smiles, and tucks it back in his pocket for the walk home. When he gets there, he pulls her out, and she nearly screams at him:

"WHAT THE HELLS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Here I am, I'm a beautiful princess, I'll do whatever you want, and I'll stay with you forever! Why won't you kiss me??"

The engineer says, "Well, I don't have time for a girlfriend,..."

--LWM

"Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you," (3, Insightful)

lilmouse (310335) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895337)

An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He's impressed, especially since his friend doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, "Wow, where'd you get that?"

His friend explains, "Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, 'Take what you want!'"

The engineer nods in understanding. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

--LWM

Good old one. (5, Funny)

grub (11606) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894864)


Q- Who was the first computer technician?

A- Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

FOX NEWS always good for a laugh (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12894870)

Especially their take on Global Warming.

a few (5, Funny)

Merlin42 (148225) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894875)

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world:
Those who know binary
And those who don't

A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dr. Heisenburg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"

Professor: What is the integral of dcabin over cabin?
Student: Log cabin .... ha ha
Professor: No, its a house boat! You forgot to add the C

Professor: What is the area of a circle
Student: Pi R square
Professor: Pi are not square, Pie are round ... groan

there's already a geeky joke archive (5, Funny)

sithsasquatch (889285) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894878)

Go here [bash.org] and have fun.

a recent one:

pathogen: in maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
pathogen: so therefore 1337 = 14
pathogen: so anyone who speaks 1337 is 14

the punchline to every bash.org joke (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12895053)

alt-f4.

omg so funnay!

Software Engineer in the shower (5, Funny)

woobieman29 (593880) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894884)

Did you hear about the Coder that got stuck in his shower for a week?

The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.

gotta go hex (1)

1967mustangman (883255) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894891)

If only you and dead can read hex how mand people can read hex? Answer 57006

Re:gotta go hex (1)

spectral (158121) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895059)

dead people can read hex..

Re:gotta go hex (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12895175)

Please don't confuse the issue with accuacy or precision.

I thought of a better version (3, Funny)

JavaRob (28971) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895361)

Q: Let's say only you and dead people can read hex. If you teach your buddy how to read hex also, what do you all have in common?

A: You are all deaf.

Helicopter in Seattle (5, Funny)

KILNA (536949) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894895)

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

Re:Helicopter in Seattle (4, Funny)

Piquan (49943) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895056)

The passenger continued, "You must have been in marketing before you became a pilot."

"Yes, I was, how did you know?" the pilot replied.

"Because you didn't know where you were or what you were doing, but expected the computer tech to be able to help you. After he answered your question, you were in the same situation as before, but then you decided it was his fault."

A few gooduns (2, Funny)

Regulus (184356) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894896)

Q: How do you spot an extroverted computer geek?
A: He stares at *your* shoes when talking to you.

Did you hear the one about the computer scientist that died in the shower? He read the shampoo instructions: Lather, Rince, Repeat.

Talking Frog (5, Funny)

LennyDotCom (26658) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894906)

A computer programmer was driving his Porsche down the road. He stops for a stop sign and notices a frog in the middle of the road. The frog says to the programmer 'Hey you in the car. I'm not really a frog. I used to be a beautiful princess. If you kiss me, I will turn back into a princess and in return I will give you the best night of sex you've ever had.' The computer programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' He picks up the frog and then continues down the road. The frog then says, 'OK look. If you kiss me, I'll give you a whole week of incredible sex.' The programmer mumbles, 'sure, yeah.' The frog says more forcably this time, 'Look maybe you don't understand. I'm tired of being a frog. If you kiss me I'll give you the best sex you've ever had for the rest of your entire life.' Once again the programmer mumbles 'sure, yeah.' Finally the frog says, 'Well can you at least tell me why you won't kiss me?' The computer programmer says 'Well you see I'm a computer programmer and don't have much time for sex. But a talking frog is really neat.'

Q: How many slashbots does it take to make a joke? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12894944)

A: Once again we see that Microsoft astroturfers are just spreading FUD about Linux.

So... (3, Funny)

IronMagnus (777535) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894945)

A baby seal walks into a club...

could it be ... ? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12894984)

slashdot?!

Re:could it be ... ? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12895014)

Wellisn't thaaat special?

Fun (4, Insightful)

mukund (163654) | more than 8 years ago | (#12894991)

From bash.org [bash.org]

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

Geek jokes. (3, Funny)

Yobgod Ababua (68687) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895001)

For this one, you should be person B... a basic knowledge of vector operations is required.

A: "What's up?"
B: "Right Cross Forward."

For a longer joke, I like to go back to my old Applied Math days...

An airplane leaves Warsaw for London. Some crippling illness (take your pick) renders the pilot and co-pilot inoperative. The stewardess goes out among the passengers looking for anyone with flying experience to help make an emergency landing and finds two cropduster pilots.
They get up to the cockpit and get on the radio with the landing tower, who is going to help talk them down. As the instructions start coming in, however, they end up helplessly gazing across the vast expanse of lights, switches and controls in a modern passenger airplane, infinitely more complicated than their old cropduster. "I don't think we can handle this." one of says. "Why not?" asks the radio tower. "Well, you see, we're just two simple Poles in a complex plane."

Four men in a car (3, Funny)

leapis (89780) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895006)

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

Re:Four men in a car (1)

ReverendLoki (663861) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895170)

I've heard this one many many times, but dammit, I've actually solved a good number of minor issues in modern automobiles by simply turning the car off and then restarting it. Life imitating art lately...

On computer theorist... (5, Funny)

A.K.A_Magnet (860822) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895047)

A logician tells a collegue his wife just had a baby.

- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Yes.

(translated from french, but should be understandable...)

Oldie off gigglebytes (1)

infonography (566403) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895051)

The Pirates of Substance
With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.

By Lincoln Spector

The curtain opens on a group of pirates sitting at their computers, surfing the Web and downloading illegal copies of copyrighted works. One of them, FREDRICK, tells the others that he will no longer take part of such piratical activity. The PIRATE KING, shocked by the news, bursts into song.

Tune: Pirate King

PIRATE KING: Oh better far to live and die

With music I take, not music I buy,

If a CD I hold in a high regard

I'll have it but not on my credit card.

Away to the cheating world go you,

Where record execs are well to do;

But I will rip what the others sing,

And pass it around as a Pirate King.

For I am a Pirate King!

ALL: You are!

Hurrah for our Pirate King!

PIRATE KING: With rock and jazz and rap and swing

I am a Pirate King!

ALL: Hurrah!

Hurrah for our Pirate King!

Hurrah for our Pirate King!

PIRATE KING: Tho' Napster's gone, I still can say

I help myself in a Napster way;

Copyright laws, I break, 'tis true,

But the laws are made for the wealthy few.

AOL-Warner has money to burn,

It isn't my money, it's not my concern.

I take their music, their movies; so soon

That I've had The Two Towers since the first day of June.
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
PIRATE KING: For action movies are my thing
I am a Pirate King!
ALL: Hurrah!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!

Pretty good. (1)

Yobgod Ababua (68687) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895505)

Here's what I can remember of a parody I did around '95...

I'm a sysadmin and I'm ok, I work all night and I work all day.
(He's our sysadmin and he's ok, he works all night and he works all day.)

I hack my code, I dump my core, I load up gdb.
On Wednesdays I read netnews and flame everyone I see.

(He hacks his code, he dumps his core, he loads up gdb.
On Wednesdays he reads netnews and flames everyone he sees.)
(He's our sysadmin and he's ok, he works all night and he works all day.)

I hack my code, I MUL and JUMP, I love to read your mail.
I reformat your hard drives and fill them up with porn.
(He hacks his code...)

Surprised I didn't see my favorite Joke yet... (2, Funny)

Redfriar (85415) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895054)

Q: How many IBM Processors does it take to execute a job?

A: Four. Three to hold it down, and one to rip it's head off.

Fluid mechanics... (1)

TeknoHog (164938) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895078)

Q: What's the name of the phenomenon where excrement collides with the propeller?

A: Turdulence.

My favorite: (4, Funny)

__david__ (45671) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895092)

So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car's brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. But somehow the driver manages to not careen off the road and the manage glide to a stop once safely down the hill.

They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.

The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."

The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."

The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"

Heh.

-David

Two jokes... (2, Funny)

nullset (39850) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895094)

What do you get when you cross a cat and a dog? cat dog sin theta Why do mountain climbers never get sick? Because you can't cross a scalar[sic] with a vector

Re:Two jokes... (1)

blincoln (592401) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895323)

What do you get when you cross a cat and a dog? cat dog sin theta

Hah, I was going to post almost the same thing. A friend of mine came up with it on her own, with rhinocerous and hippopotamus in place of cat and dog (like the kids' joke with the same intro).

From Babylon 5 (paraphrased):

Renee Descartes is down at the pub, drowning his sorrows in a few drinks. He finishes the last one, and the bartender asks "have another?"

Descartes (who has been having a bad day) mulls it over, replies "I think... not," and disappears.

YKYBHTLW... (2, Funny)

jonadab (583620) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895135)

You Know You've Been Hacking Too Long When...

You dial the wrong number on your phone and look for "undo". When you don't find it, you grumble about how primitive the phones are.

You complain that your alarm clock is "inflexible" and "worthless" because it can't sync with your calendar and automatically know when to wake you up.

You're looking through the videos at the public library, and you do a sudden doubletake. "Yeh, cool, I didn't know there was a video about the CPAN." Then you realize it's CSPAN archives." (This actually happened to me.)

You know more IP addresses off the top of your head than phone numbers. You know the ISO country codes for nations you can't locate on the map. You've never met most of your friends in person.

You catch yourself using computer commands as words in nontechnical conversation, such as, "Is that still under warranty? I'll have to grep the filing cabinet and see if I can find the purchase order." You arrange the contents of your (physical) desk drawers hierarchically, like a filesystem.

You've had dreams in a programming language.

You want to develop a standard for where Post-It sticky notes should be attached relative to the contents of a document, so that the results can be wellformed and easy to parse.

Re:YKYBHTLW... (1)

lilmouse (310335) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895373)

You catch yourself using computer commands as words in nontechnical conversation, such as, "Is that still under warranty? I'll have to grep the filing cabinet and see if I can find the purchase order."
That's just another form of slang. Mathematicians use "modulo" in regular conversations. E.g., "That's a great restaurant, modulo the fact that all the dishes have meat." It's just slang. A useful way to make sure outsiders can't understand you.

--LWM

ps - it's not jargon unless you're using it in the proper context :-P

Well... it's sort of a joke (5, Funny)

bad_fx (493443) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895172)

I once saw a beetle with a license plate that read "FEATURE." ;)

Re:Well... it's sort of a joke (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#12895317)

I once saw a license plate frame that said "my other car is a cdr"

Oooh ooh me me (0, Redundant)

drix (4602) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895174)

There are 10 types of people in the wor... aah fuck it. :)

Traveling on a train through Scotland (4, Funny)

roystgnr (4015) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895181)

Three foreigners: a businessman, physicist, and mathematician, are talking about the country they're all visiting for the first time.

Suddenly, the businessman points out the window in surprise. "Look at that! The sheep in Scotland are black!"

Amused at how readily his new friend jumps to conclusions, the physicist corrects him: "No, all we can be certain of is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black."

The mathematician looks out the window himself, and corrects the both of them: "We know there exists a sheep in Scotland which is black on at least one side."

For the mathematician in us all (4, Funny)

brsmith4 (567390) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895182)

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are staying in a hotel. Outside their rooms, a fire erupts.

The physicist steps outside to see the fire along with a bucket and water spigot. He simply fills the bucket with water and pours it on the flames until they go out then returns to bed.

The engineer steps outside to see the fire along with the bucket and water spigot. He meticulously calculates the amount of water needed and the rate of flow to most efficiently and effectively put out the fire. After a few minutes and a couple tests, the fire is extinguished.

The mathematician steps outside and sees the fire. He also notices the bucket and water spigot and exclaims "Their exists a solution" and returns to bed.

Some more from Bash (3, Funny)

sithsasquatch (889285) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895192)

All jokes from here [bash.org] .

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.


MortalKombat> stfu mat|t u cu.nt
* Acaila sets mode: +b MortalKombat!*@*
@Acaila> FINISH HIM
mat|t> rofl
MortalKombat> omg wtf man
* MortalKombat was kicked by Acaila (forward, forward, back, back, forward, punch)
@Acaila> FATALITY!


Ich: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
Ich: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
Ich: and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
Ich: and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
Ich: and I actually laughed out loud


WallJam7: roses are red
WallJam7: violets are blue
WallJam7: all of my base
WallJam7: are belong to you


Firefly: Time for my prayers:
Firefly: Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
Firefly: May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
Firefly: May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
Firefly: Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
Firefly: And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Firefly: Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
Firefly: For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

har (2, Funny)

katanan (764663) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895197)

Q: How do I know what is the "truth"? A: You Kant!

Re:har (1)

rsadelle (719824) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895386)

My favorite philosopher jokes:

Sartre goes into a cafe. He says, "I'd like cup of coffee, no cream."

The waitress says, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, but we're out of cream. Would you like that with no milk?"

***

Descartes goes into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?"

Descartes says, "I think not," and *poof!* disappears.

From some TV show... (1)

eyeball (17206) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895225)

Teacher: So y = r cubed over 3. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. ...

Teacher: Don't you get it? Derivative dy = 3 r squared dr over 3, or r squared dr, or r dr r.

Required Star Trek Reference (2, Funny)

creimer (824291) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895226)

Q: Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?

A: To go where no man has gone before.

SOURCE: A nine-year-old kid calling into the Howard Stern show. Go figure.

Re:Required Star Trek Reference (4, Funny)

Anne_Nonymous (313852) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895387)

<4th Grade>

Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet?

A: The Captain's log.

</4th Grade>

Wives versus Mistresses... (4, Funny)

jonadab (583620) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895236)

$_='A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were having a conversation about the relative benefits of wives and mistresses.

The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.

The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn't own half your property, and so forth.

The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.

"Both?", the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. "Why?"

"Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics."
'; print; s/mathematician/computer geek/; s/mathematics/programming/; print;

Worst calculus joke ever (5, Funny)

DeadMeat (TM) (233768) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895267)

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic.

"What's wrong?" asks e^x.

"There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"

"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hurt me. After all, I'm e^x."

So e^x walks down the street to the Differential Operator. "My friend tells me you're a Differential Operator," e^x says pompously. "Well, I'm e^x."

"Pleased to meet you, e^x," says the Differential Operator. "I'm d/dt."

A mathematician and an engineer.... (4, Interesting)

Halvard (102061) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895297)

.... are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days, are horribly sunburned and are out of water.

All of a sudden, they stumble upon Archemides with a canteen full of water! Archemides says "One of you can have this canteen and you'll live, but only if you walk half way to it, stop, walk half way to it, etc., etc.

The mathematic, in anquish, lays his head in his arm and start to cry. "It can't be done" he rages.

The engineer looks at the mathematician in disgust, shrugs his shoulders, walks half way, stops, walks half way, stop, etc., etc. Finally he stops next to it, leans over, picks up the canteen and drinks.

Archemides and the mathematician both are in shock. Archemides exclaims "but how did you do that -- it's impossible!"

Again, the engineer shrugs. "I got close enough for practical purposes!"

Group of cryptographers (3, Funny)

asyncster (532683) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895300)

A newly appointed cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his peers, who are going around a circle telling jokes. One of the cryptographers shouts "12", and everyone starts laughing. Another person shouts "34", which is received with more laughter. The new cryptographer asks one of the people "why is everyone laughing?" to which he responds "instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number". When it's the new cryptographers turn, he says "-22", to which everyone bursts in laughter. One of them shouts, "i haven't heard that one before!"

Chemistry (1)

Anne_Nonymous (313852) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895313)

Argon is walking down the street and sees his friend Hydrogen searching the sidewalk frantically.

Argon: "What's the matter Hydrogen? Is everything ok?"

Hydrogen: "No, no, this is terrible! I've lost an electron!"

Argon: "Are you quite sure?"

Hydrogen: "Yes, yes, I'm positive!"

Two Strings Walk Into a Bar (4, Funny)

Ratbert42 (452340) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895380)

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

Difference between civil and mechanical engineers? (4, Funny)

lilmouse (310335) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895417)

A mechanical engineer builds weapons.

A civil engineer builds targets.

--LWM

ok, here's one... (2, Funny)

AnObfuscator (812343) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895463)

A group of computer science students and computer engineering students are riding on a train to the same conference. the engineering students all have tickets, but notice that the CS majors only have 1 ticket between them. suddenly, the CS student who is serving as a lookout yells, "conductor!" and all the CS studens pile into the bathroom. the conductor goes to the bathroom, knocks, and says, "Ticket please!" The students then slide their ticket under the door and the conductor leaves.

Impressed, the CE majors say, "that's a great idea!" On the return trip from the confrence, the CE majors have only one ticket, and notice, to their confusion, that now the CS majors have no ticket at all. The CS student lookout then yelled, "conductor!" and both set of students each piled into one of the bathrooms in the train. Before the conductor came on the train, one of the CS majors slipped from his bathroom, walked up to the door of the other bathroom, knocked, and said, "Ticket please!"

An Eternal Golden Slashdot Article (1)

eric.t.f.bat (102290) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895489)

Q. Why did Douglas Hofstadter cross the road?
A. To make this joke possible.

Q. How many Douglas Hofstadters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. The answer to this question.

Windows / Mac (4, Funny)

jeremymiles (725644) | more than 8 years ago | (#12895503)

I read this one in the guardian a few years ago, I've also heard it more recently, about mathematicians and physicists.
Anyway ...
A group of 4 MS programmers and a group of 4 Apple programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Apple programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.
The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Apple programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.
The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Apple folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.
When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Apple folks on the earlier journey. The Apple programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Apple programmers do earlier.
"Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."

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