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Movies in Fifteen Minutes

Zonk posted more than 8 years ago | from the follow-the-white-rabbit-chump-also-i-need-a-defrag dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 77

That the Internet is a big, scary place is hardly worth mentioning. For every respectable site, there are three or four seedy places that you wouldn't want to be seen surfing by relatives. While LiveJournal has a reputation as an angst-fest, there are many individuals using the power of self-publishing to impressive ends. Every once in a while, one of those self-publishers even moves beyond the confines of the electronic medium to the world of dead-tree publishing. Movies in Fifteen Minutes (M15M) is just such a project, born on the Internet to high acclaim, with the core idea transferred extremely successfully to a traditional book format. Read on for my impressions of the only book on the market today to feature a hilarious version of Braveheart's evisceration scene. Good times.Movies in Fifteen Minutes, by Cleolinda Jones, began life as a wildly popular Livejournal project. After seeing the soul-stealingly bad Van Helsing early in 2004, she began writing up a snarky synopsis for her blog. The synopsis turned into a several thousand word opus. Other modern masterpieces followed, including Hannibal, Hidalgo, Troy, and The Day After Tomorrow. While the reaction to those works was enthusiastic, her June 2004 posting of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in Fifteen Minutes set her on her heels. After she contacted her millionth site administrator to ask them to take down the plagarised version of her work, she realized she might have a good idea on her hands.

Luckily, a publisher agreed and contacted her about a print version of the online format. The result is a dense 400 pages of fan-service satire covering the last ten years of movies. Films covered in the book include Jurassic Park, Braveheart, Independence Day, Titanic, The Matrix, Gladiator, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Spider-Man, Attack of the Clones, and the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. For those of you already saying "This book is crap, I thought Will Smith's performance in Independence Day was extremely moving", relax. While the book is satire, and the obvious flaws in the film's plot are laughed at, the author is a fan first and foremost. She treats even Jeff Goldblum's grumpy chaotician in Jurassic Park with the respect of someone who knows her audience very well. You can laugh at a film without hating it.

And laugh you will. M15M synopses are fast-paced tears through the boring bits, glossing over all that wordy tension building background stuff with a well placed "OMG" to get to the really good parts. From Gladiator:

"MAXIMUS: Forget this - I'm going home, where I have a wife and son.
LUCILLA: I'm be going to Rome, where I have a son and a dead husband.
[They exchange smouldering glances.]
MAXIMUS: So, have we established that we once had a thing, but we now both have children, the ultimate bittersweet evidence of us having done it with other people?
LUCILLA: Yeah, I think so.
MAXIMUS: Awesome. See you around."

Every movie is a self-contained world of straightforward dialogue that cuts to the bone of a scene while still evoking the spirit of the situation. The jokes are funny, to be sure, but the book is also well written. Comedy is hard, and ensuring the synopses were peppered with references to literature and film, emoting objects, and subtle fan poking while also making sure the movies made sense must have been a challenge. The bare bones of characters are usually established within a few pages by self-referential dialogue, and while you may have to suffer through an entire paragraph of actual exposition it's unlikely that will go on for long. From Philosopher's Stone:

"HAGRID: You ought not to meddle in these things!
HARRY: But we're the stars of the movie! That's what we do!
HAGRID: Well, you three can stop that right now! We've gotten along just fine without a plot so far, hain't we? Just lots of nice episodes about young Harry's adventures at wizard school! Don't see no reason why we've got to go introducing a plot now, of all things, so you just keep to yourselves and don't ask no questions about Nicholas Flemel, hear?"

Not content just to use obvious humor, there are several running gags and real-world intrusions throughout the book as well. The Third Age Limbo competition, for example, is well attended by several characters during the course of the book (Neo wins), and Padme's handmaiden Rose is seen at one point bargaining with George Lucas to be allowed into a certain leather skirt movie with a naked Brad Pitt. Cleolinda's understanding of pop culture on the whole is impressive, and despite the already stale nature of some of the movies in the book the humor she uses manages to have a sort of timeless quality to it. In ten years references to the movies themselves may no longer be common, but the book's humor manages to stand on its own. Brittany Spears, George W. Bush, and Martha Stewart are nowhere to be found within the pages of the book, ensuring that despite its pop culture roots it won't be incomprehensible after a few years on the shelf. From The Matrix:

"The Matrix: The Text Adventure

MORPHEUS: Go Down The Hall.
NEO: There's an office at the end of the hall!
MORPHEUS: Go There.
NEO: I am there.
MORPHEUS: Go In It.
NEO: Sorry, I don't understand that.
MORPHEUS: GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: ...
MORPHEUS: OPEN THE DOOR AND GO INTO THE OFFICE.
NEO: Oh, okay.
MORPHEUS: God, I Hate Text RPGS."

M15M is the kind of book ideally suited to reading in spurts. It's not a great work of our time, and it doesn't pretend to be. This book is a read-before-bed treasure, a fine companion for a long plane ride, or a great reason to get yourself into the sun on a vacation beach. In the end, it is a dozen mostly self-contained novellas with familiar characters and snarky commentary on the often nonsensical decisions made in moviemaking. It's wittily written, with a fast cadence and intelligent voice. It's quite hard to convey comedic timing in print form, but M15M manages to live up to the best stand up acts with copious ellipses and enthusiastic asterisk. Movies in Fifteen Minutes is an Internet version of 'local girl does good', and the result is a testament to what you can do with some spare time and a sarcastic attitude. Even though it will be out in the states early next year, and you can read her online works for free, M15M is well worth the couple of pounds to have the book shipped across the pond.

From Jurassic Park:

"ELLIE: We have to reboot the system before we can call for help! Unfortunately, I'm just a botanist who can barely understand the concept of 'chaos' -
GRANT: And we've got a raptor at the door!
ELLIE: I'm coming to help you hold the door!
GRANT: But who will reboot the door locks? WHO, I ASK YOU??
LEX'S SHINING MOMENT: *arrives*
LEX: Hey! I can totally manoeuvre this system you call 'Unix', because I am a 'hacker'!"


You can purchase Movies in Fifteen Minutes from Amazon.co.uk. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.

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77 comments

first movie (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092266)

ac teh win

MOD PARENT DOWN - PARENT IS A TROLL!!! (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092281)

MOD PARENT DOWN - PARENT IS A TROLL!!!

Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted!
Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.

Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted!
Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.

Lameness filter encountered. Post aborted!
Reason: Don't use so many caps. It's like YELLING.

MOD PARENT UP!!! So True! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092651)

They really know Slashdot.

S15S (5, Funny)

Tackhead (54550) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092308)

Slashdot In Fifteen Seconds...

Zonk: We've posted this before, right?
Taco: Umm, actuatlly, not yet.
Roland: I've got $15 that says you will!
Taco: We don't usually dupe book reviews, only NYT articles on cellphones.
Zonk: Yeah, even Netcraft confirms it.
Ackbar: It's a DUPE!
All: Hey, what's he doing here? It's not Fark, it's Slashdot! (Cliches for nerds. As if that matters.)

The Truth about Aspartame (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092429)

"I am a former investigator who worked with the US Food and Drug Administration: This is what I have to say about Aspartame and the people who brought it to our tables.

As a former FDA investigator, I was charged with overseeing two major projects for the FDA. These concerned Pesticides and Chemicals in Foods and Illegal Drug Tissue Residues in Animals (including milk related issues).

I worked closely with the sister Federal and State agencies, oversaw contracts, I was a coordinator and lead investigator on projects involving EPA and USDA. The FDA, in the mid-70's to mid-90's was not a large organization, having an annual budget no greater than a medium-sized hospital by 1995.

The problems with aspartame include not only the biochemical nature of this toxin but also it sheds light on the political nature of the players involved. The changes in regulatory policies and regulations resulting from corporate-government ties and the politicians closely associated with these ties.

What I can tell you, regarding toxicology, histology and biochemistry, is that aspartame is neurotoxic. Its components easily transcend the blood-brain barrier, interfering with normal nerve cell function. This affects the glutathione and calcium mechanisms in place, destroying nerve call integrity. The methanol then breaks down into formaldehyde-formic acid components, which denaturizes/mutates the DNA: a known scientific fact. The subsequent result from this interaction and from isolates of genetically modified amino acids, the methanol, is nerve cell necrosis and subsequent organ system degradation.

The hypothalamus alone (the major controller for much of the endocrine system), is at especially high risk to these effects...thereby, affecting many other organ systems. I have seen first hand the effects on symptoms when individuals have abstained from ingesting the artificial sweetener, aspartame. Make no bones about it, aspartame is a major factor in many symptomologies due to its effects upon brain chemistry."

( Read More... [wnho.net] | 13592 bytes in body )

Other shorts (4, Interesting)

Mr. Sketch (111112) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092321)

You may like the movies in 30 seconds done by Angry Alien [angryalien.com] . These are 30 second movie reenactments of popular movies done by bunnies. Quite entertaining.

Re:Other shorts (1)

ackthpt (218170) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092376)

There's also Stone Trek [stonetrek.com] which takes swipes at classic Star Trek episodes, Star Wars and (my personal favorite) a killer (ha) adaptation of Star Trekkin'

Flash Required, Sorry.

Oh, and support these guys, OK, like buy a mug or shirt or something.

Re:Other shorts (1)

Impeesa (763920) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093565)

My personal favoriate variation on the theme is from Andy Helms [atomictoy.org] . It's not very well organized, just a bunch of them on a single large page, but they're quite hilarious. From the beginning of "S T E A L T H":

Basically xXx meets Team America: World Police only funnier
So like, in the near future there is this elite force of hotshot supersmart jet pilots who fight terrorists. They are very awesome and elite!!!
MAVERICK LOOSE CANNON: ALRIGHT TEAM IT IS GO TIME
LOVE INTREST: MISSLES AND STUFF
OSCAR AWARD WINNER JAMIE FOX: WOO
*** EXPLOSIONS AND SWEET MOTIONS BLURS EVERYWHERE ***
BUZZCUT ELITE TEAM COMMANDER: HAHA JUST A TRAINING EXERCISE BUT EVEN SO THAT WAS STILL VERY EXTREME COME BACK TO BASE YOU HOTSHOT AWESOME PIOLTS JESUS I CANNOT GET OVER HOW ELITE YOU ARE

My nomination goes to... (2, Funny)

gomel (527311) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093951)

[Thrasymachus is tied up in a chair. Socrates is brandishing a gun in his face]
 
Thrasymachus: Don't kill me, man!
 
Socrates: Are you finished, fucker?
 
Thrasymachus: Don't do it, Socrates. Be fair.
 
Socrates: Well, I'm just a dull, wandering street philosopher, so I don't understand quite where you're headed with this particular line of reasoning. Perhaps [motions with gun] you could further elucidate your theory of justice.
Narrator: Thrasymachus. Alcibiades. Aristotle. Socrates -- are Quentin Tarantino's Republic Dogs. [mit.edu]

Will this be (1)

ackthpt (218170) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092334)

Movies in Fifteen Minutes (M15M)

Will this be fifteen minutes of fame and at the end you can't remember a thing?

reminds me of... (1)

BushCheney08 (917605) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092335)

Reminds me of a page that doesn't appear to be around anymore -- band-a-minute. I did come across this partial(?) listing [delugezine.com] of the contents of that page. It obviously means nothing if you're not familiar with the 90s-oughts indierock scene...My favorite from there: "Behold! The future of music: BOAT ROCK!!!" Oh how true that is...

Re:reminds me of... (1)

xpatiate (111717) | more than 8 years ago | (#14096592)

heh - thanks for that link - nothing like a little potted musical nostalgia over coffee. Funnily, the Codeine listing ("BOOM sniff CRASH BOOM BOOM CRASH") works for many of my favourite bands.

Funny but sad... (2, Insightful)

xfletch (623022) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092338)

If you need your movies reduced to 15 minutes either you are working way too hard or you need your ADD medication increased!

Re:Funny but sad... (1)

CCFreak2K (930973) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092462)

Hollywood Video (IIRC) used to run radio commercials, where they "try (unsuccessfully)" to pack a recent Hollywood blockbuster into 60 seconds. How's that for instant gratification?

Re:Funny but sad... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092703)

Quite the contrary, when watching a movie or an episode of any TV-series at 5 times normal speed, you need to concentrate quite well to be able to read all subtitles. 3x speed is fine if one wants to have a TV-dinner while watching. 2x if you're gonna read slashdot at the same time.

Re:Funny but sad... (2, Insightful)

drsquare (530038) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092783)

I bet this book gets OLD, very fast.

Must be gutting to spend good money on a book, then to find out that it stops being funny after page two.

Re:Funny but sad... (1)

Antifuse (651387) | more than 8 years ago | (#14099173)

I've read a bunch of the ones that were posted to her livejournal, and I can honestly say that I never got tired of the humour. It's not all that funny though if you haven't seen the movies she's referring to.

Re:Funny but sad... (1)

ultranova (717540) | more than 8 years ago | (#14094018)

If you need your movies reduced to 15 minutes either you are working way too hard or you need your ADD medication increased!

Actually, what you need is a DVD player that lets you fast-forward everything at 8 times speed (for 2 hour movies).

Is there any such players that will also play the sound and won't give jerky picture ? Most players, in my experience, will show a single frame per second when in this FF mode. Or does mplayer/xine support this on a computer ?

Re:Funny but sad... (1)

einTier (33752) | more than 8 years ago | (#14095693)

Intervideo's WinDVD does a great job of doing at 2x. I typically watch anything that's not worth fully savoring (say, like Stealth) at 1.5-2x, depending on the pacing. Having done that, I can't imagine doing it much faster. At 1.5x, converstaion can get difficult to understand, and at 2x, subtitles become almost nessessary to understand everything being said. Even then, you have to be able to read pretty fast.

Maybe, in time, I could get used to 2.5x, but 8x? No way. My brain just can't stream data that fast.

Ah (0, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092339)

Like many favorites of Slashdot readers... humor only a Brit (or wannabe Brit) could love.

15 minutes is too long (3, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092344)

I prefer 5 minutes. http://www.fiveminute.net/ [fiveminute.net] I think this is the site with the really funny "5 minute Star Trek Voyager" write-ups. Has some movies too.

Re:15 minutes is too long (4, Funny)

AuMatar (183847) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093012)

THere's enough content in Voyager for 5 minutes? Other than staring at 7 of 9s rack?

Re:15 minutes is too long (1)

Otto (17870) | more than 8 years ago | (#14094156)

Actually, 4 of those 5 minutes are indeed just staring at 7 of 9's rack.

Well... (4, Funny)

Quiet_Desperation (858215) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092352)

For every respectable site, there are three or four seedy places that you wouldn't want to be seen surfing by relatives.

You've never met my relatives.

We have some scary types here at the Desperation compound. The weird, seedy web sites are some of the few things that keeps them settled and relatively under control.

Book vs. Website? (2, Insightful)

Viper Daimao (911947) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092367)

Is there any new material in the book? or is it just a compilation of the posts from the livejournal?

Re:Book vs. Website? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092420)

Hell, the livejournal was just a compilation of movies, why do you think there will be any new material in the book?

Re:Book vs. Website? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092459)

The book should be all-new material. She hasn't posted any of the listed movies in her livejournal as far as I'm aware.

Re:Book vs. Website? (4, Informative)

Zonk (12082) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092466)

Is there any new material in the book? or is it just a compilation of the posts from the livejournal?

There are no cross-postings. The stuff in the book is all new and seperate from her web stuff.

Re:Book vs. Website? (2, Funny)

saskboy (600063) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092915)

"There are no cross-postings."

That's just because they couldn't figure out how to get clickable links to work on paper.

Re:Book vs. Website? (1)

bprime (734645) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093414)

The stuff in the book is all new and seperate from her web stuff.

Whatever. I heard it was all a dupe.

FiveMinute.Net (3, Informative)

Xeroc (877174) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092437)

Well, if you liked that, then I have to reccommend a related site, FiveMinute.Net [fiveminute.net] . It is also a related parody site, where movies, Star Trek, Science Fiction, and all sorts of shows are compressed into a Five-Minute format, very much like the site mentioned in the news article. However, there's all sorts of extras, and it covers 100's of episodes, series, and movies!

FiveMinute.Net [fiveminute.net] truly is hilarous, and has been around since June 2000. Check it out!

Book-A-Minute SF/F (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14093009)

For the ultra-condensed, try out Book-A-Minute SF/F. [rinkworks.com]

One minute per book is quite efficient! It's been around since 1997, and if anything, it improves with age!

Even shorter? (2, Funny)

mobby_6kl (668092) | more than 8 years ago | (#14096975)

I remeber reading even shorter summaries, they were mostly just a few sentences or lines. Somehow the only one I memorized is from Titanic, it went something like

"Never let go"
#lets go.

Anybody knows what I'm talking about?

Given these examples... (-1, Flamebait)

writertype (541679) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092440)

I have to think Zonk is trying to fuck this chick. ;)

Seriously, though, I don't think there's any way that we can consider Zonk a literary critic. The linked Harry Potter piece was pretty good, but the other excerpts...

Yeah.

Windows vs Linux report R15M (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092449)

Dr.Thompson: Windows is teh greatest!
Rest of world: Dude, wake up. *nix. *Hint, hint. Nod, nod.*
Dr.Thompson: STFU. My linadmins, they be failin.
Rest of world: Dude. glibc. Neva touch 'tha source' if you not knowing!
Dr.Thompson: OMG, you teh stupidest...
Rest of world: Whatever. Buy the way, nice pictures with the legos in your 'My Documents" folder. Kinky...
Dr.Thompson: ...

Book-a-Minute (5, Interesting)

minginqunt (225413) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092477)

Like the Book-A-Minute, only fifteen times longer:

Book-a-Minute [rinkworks.com]

My fave was always their '1-minute' summary of Gravity's Rainbow.

Gravity's Rainbow
By Thomas Pynchon
Ultra-Condensed by Glenn Davis

Thomas Pynchon

        A screaming thing comes across the sky. It's a V-2 rocket carrying twelve thousand pounds of symbolism, and it's coming down on your poor, deluded, postmodern head.

THE END

Blatant plugh! (-1, Offtopic)

Urusai (865560) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092485)

Lame...parody is the second lowest form of humor. My M15M review:

AUTHOR: Lookit I'm funny.
ME: No you aren't.
AUTHOR: Well, I'll just laugh all the way to the bank from the hits from Slashdot.
ME: Bite me, Internet vampire.

Well, well, I'm quite the wit. I think I'll start a blog and publish its snarky contents in book form.

Hmm... (1)

Donniedarkness (895066) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092504)

I don't see many books on Slashdot that I'd actually buy, but this one looks to be a little ammusing. Kind of reminds me of some uncyclopedia articles.

Seedy site you wouldn't want family knowing about? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092553)

Sounds like slashdot with all the stigma attached...... ;-P

Just like "The Editing Room" Only Not Funny (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14092580)

Anyone remember this site: http://ter.air0day.com/ [air0day.com]

Same idea, but the scripts are actually funny.

Re:Just like "The Editing Room" Only Not Funny (1)

Erik Fish (106896) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093201)

The Editing Room is the original site like this (and still the best).

Re:Just like "The Editing Room" Only Not Funny (1)

mr. squishie (726877) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093454)

Damn straight. I love these lines from his recent script of episode III:

EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. I've got the high ground, just like Darth Maul did in Episode 1 right before I killed him successfully. Ignoring that, if you jump over to me, I will cut your shit off.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to decide not to jump to the low ground in front of you where I will be able to safely continue duelling, but to instead try to jump all the way over you and get my shit cut off!

Heh (2, Interesting)

DurendalMac (736637) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092601)

Looks interesting, but I'm still waiting for The Filthy Critic's book to come out. Once you get past the foul language, shit references, allusions to Candy Bottoms porno flicks, and potshots at "Hollywood grassfuckers", he's actually a very sound critic.

I thought Filthy got killed! (1)

glengineer (697939) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092997)

Wasn't he hit by a car as he rode his bike home from a bar late one night a few years ago?

Not in North America Yet (2, Informative)

DevanJedi (892762) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092602)

Unfortunately only available in the U.K. and Australia as far as I can tell; not available in North America yet. From the website, the author says it will be soon.

Classic! (1)

Kelson (129150) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092614)

I was hoping the Troy in 15 Minutes post would be included.

Also, for Lost fans, the author had a great series of episode recaps last season. I hadn't been back to see if she kept them up this year, which is why this is the first I've heard of the book.

Cousins! (1)

lrucker (621551) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092832)

Troy! [livejournal.com]

ODYSSEUS: Hey, man, what up?


ACHILLES: Nothin' much [dodge, parry, stab]. Just teaching Patroclus [dodge, parry, dodge] to fight [stab].


ODYSSEUS: Lookin' good there, kid. What is he, your--


ACHILLES: Cousin. He's my cousin. Cousin. Totally my cousin. In conclusion: Cousin.

about sig (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14097115)

Can Firefox users and Opera users agree on anything?

That IE sucks? tt

"Sorry. Pop Culture Reference. Won't Happen Again" (2, Funny)

RobotRunAmok (595286) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092700)

Cleolinda's understanding of pop culture on the whole is impressive

Whaaaaa...? Isn't that, like, an oxymoron? Someone's understanding of Ancient Greek authors can be impressive, Assyrian courtship rituals maybe, Vietnamese astrology, sure. Good Pennsylvanian wines, absolutely. But isn't pop culture by its very nature, not something which one may have an impressive grasp upon. Or something?

(By the way, the subject line is from a first season episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. If you didn't catch that, time to bone up on the Assyrian courtship rites...)

Re:"Sorry. Pop Culture Reference. Won't Happen Aga (3, Insightful)

Daniel Dvorkin (106857) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092804)

But isn't pop culture by its very nature, not something which one may have an impressive grasp upon.

No.

We swim in pop culture (by its very nature, yes) but that doesn't mean we necessarily understand it. People who do understand it -- which is a necessary part of being able to satirize it well -- can be quite impressive in their knowledge.

Anyway, ancient Greek authors weren't always "ancient," if you see what I mean. Sophocles was the pop culture of his day. I'd say that being able to understand the culture you actually live in takes just as much work as understanding one that's now frozen in time.

Reminds of Something I Heard on the Radio (1)

Rob Riggs (6418) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092775)

One of the local radio stations just did a one-minute abridged version of Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant". It was just about perfect, except that they cut out the part about the 8x10 color glossies.

What about movies in 14 minutes? (1)

Predecessor o Christ (929525) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092879)

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.
Ted: Right. Yes. OK, alright. I see where you're going.
Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?
Ted: I would go for the 7.
Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.
Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?
Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".
Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?
Hitchhiker convulses
Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.
Ted: That - good point.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

omfg so goddam funny... (-1, Offtopic)

routerguy666 (926506) | more than 8 years ago | (#14092980)

If the excerpts in the review are typical of the book then the book sucks and that's it.

Joe: this book sucks

Jim: you're right

Those aren't even funny (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14093195)

unless you're an uberdork I guess. and I'm not dorky enough for that..

15 minutes (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14093286)

Good thing the movies are 15 minutes, because that is about how long her fame is going to last.

Me, I like Astonishing Tales (1, Interesting)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14093728)

His Watchmen Files and Smallville files are good reading for those boring days at work when you are stumped for how to test something:

http://www.astonishingtales.com/ [astonishingtales.com]

Cleolinda Rocks (1)

porcupine8 (816071) | more than 8 years ago | (#14093738)

I've been a fan since her Azkaban M15M... I still manage to drop references to CRAAAZY GARY OLDMAN! into conversations with my husband or sister, with much handwaving. I actually read the M15M *before* I saw the movie, which resulted in much giggling at inappropriate times during the movie.

Read her LJ for a taste, or to hold you over til it comes out in the US. I'm considering ordering the book from amazon.co.uk to give my sis for Christmas, international shipping be damned.

What now? (1)

bleckywelcky (518520) | more than 8 years ago | (#14094437)

"For every respectable site, there are three or four seedy places that you wouldn't want to be seen surfing by relatives." ... Yet you still visit everyday.

Addicting... (1)

Cerberus7 (66071) | more than 8 years ago | (#14094529)

I've just spent the better part of my afternoon looking at the author's website and other writings. I'm so buying this book when it comes to the USA.

Link? (1)

DeafByBeheading (881815) | more than 8 years ago | (#14096227)

Way to not link to the LJ in the summary. Sure, it's there in the book review, but this is slashdot, dammit: if we don't read the articles, we certainly shouldn't have to read the book reviews.

15 Minute Hamlet (1)

wiredlogic (135348) | more than 8 years ago | (#14096453)

There is a hilarious short film of Stoppard's "15 Minute Hamlet". It airs from time to time on Bravo. Interesingly, it was filmed near continuously with only three cuts in the main play. This makes for good laughs when the actors goof up while transforming the set. The ending has an even funnier 30-second Hamlet (Shakespeare's patron thought the 15-minute version was too long). I wish I could get it on DVD.

GNAA (0, Troll)

tGGnota (932999) | more than 8 years ago | (#14097016)

GNAA Mourns the Death of l0de and the l0de Radio Hour.
GNAA Mourns the Death of l0de and the l0de Radio Hour.
Impi - Political Correspondent, South Africa.

Pentagon documents leaked to covert GNAA agents working for the CIA provided proof that a deliberate plot against renowned shock jock l0de was put into effect to eliminate him. The recent sacking of CIA director Tenant, who was used as a scapegoat, to cover up the great lie perpetrated by the pentagon, against the American people to justify the war against Iraq, prompted disgruntled CIA agents to leak the document.

It was revealed that technology that was developed and refined from the research of alien artifacts from Area 51 was used to create Hurricane Katrina. Similar technology was used against Turkey and Iran when they displeased the Pentagon. Earthquakes were the preferred Weapon of Mass Destruction against those Sovereign states. Hurricane Katrina was then directed towards New Orleans in an attempt to assassinate l0de. The attempt failed.

Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld was believed to be infuriated at this failed attempt as he has been a target of LRH in the past. He ordered that all aid and military convoys be delayed for as long as possible so that Delta Strike Teams could be dispatched to New Orleans. Five Delta Force assassination squads were disguised as "Cracked up Gangsta Niggahs" and sent in to finish the job.

The Pentagon underestimated the loyalty of the Negro Population in New Orleans. The once divided crack selling factions banded together in defense of l0de and decimated the Delta Force assassination squads. Pentagon moles informed l0de via Jap sponsored satellite phones that President Bush, on orders from his mother, Barbara Bush, instructed FEMA to delay relief aid to punish the Negro Population for their defense of l0de.

l0de, dying of AIDS anyway, promptly committed suicide in a bid to save the remaining traumatized population. His death, thankfully, signifies the death of LRH, they both will be missed.

About Area 51

Area 51 is a NOT SO Top Secret American Military Installation. Operation Karate Rain Urchin, which was created to assassinate l0de, was hatched and conceived here using weather manipulation technology which was retrieved from the Roswell crash site in 1947. Incidentally, Karate Rain Urchin is an anagram for Hurricane Katrina, coincidence?
The GNAA does not think so.

About l0de Radio Hour

Dead.

About l0de

http://www.instantlobotomy.com/ [instantlobotomy.com] .


About GNAA:
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the first organization which gathers GAY NIGGERS from all over America and abroad for one common goal - being GAY NIGGERS.

Are you GAY [klerck.org] ?
Are you a NIGGER [mugshots.org] ?
Are you a GAY NIGGER [gay-sex-access.com] ?

If you answered "Yes" to all of the above questions, then GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) might be exactly what you've been looking for!
Join GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) today, and enjoy all the benefits of being a full-time GNAA member.
GNAA (GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA) is the fastest-growing GAY NIGGER community with THOUSANDS of members all over United States of America and the World! You, too, can be a part of GNAA if you join today!

Why not? It's quick and easy - only 3 simple steps!
  • First, you have to obtain a copy of GAYNIGGERS FROM OUTER SPACE THE MOVIE [imdb.com] and watch it. You can download the movie [idge.net] (~130mb) using BitTorrent.
  • Second, you need to succeed in posting a GNAA First Post [wikipedia.org] on slashdot.org [slashdot.org] , a popular "news for trolls" website.
  • Third, you need to join the official GNAA irc channel #GNAA on irc.gnaa.us, and apply for membership.
Talk to one of the ops or any of the other members in the channel to sign up today! Upon submitting your application, you will be required to submit links to your successful First Post, and you will be tested on your knowledge of GAYNIGGERS FROM OUTER SPACE.

If you are having trouble locating #GNAA, the official GAY NIGGER ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA irc channel, you might be on a wrong irc network. The correct network is NiggerNET, and you can connect to irc.gnaa.us as our official server. Follow this link [irc] if you are using an irc client such as mIRC.

If you have mod points and would like to support GNAA, please moderate this post up.

.________________________________________________.
| ______________________________________._a,____ | Press contact:
| _______a_._______a_______aj#0s_____aWY!400.___ | Gary Niger
| __ad#7!!*P____a.d#0a____#!-_#0i___.#!__W#0#___ | gary_niger@gnaa.us [mailto]
| _j#'_.00#,___4#dP_"#,__j#,__0#Wi___*00P!_"#L,_ | GNAA Corporate Headquarters
| _"#ga#9!01___"#01__40,_"4Lj#!_4#g_________"01_ | 143 Rolloffle Avenue
| ________"#,___*@`__-N#____`___-!^_____________ | Tarzana, California 91356
| _________#1__________?________________________ |
| _________j1___________________________________ | All other inquiries:
| ____a,___jk_GAY_NIGGER_ASSOCIATION_OF_AMERICA_ | Enid Al-Punjabi
| ____!4yaa#l___________________________________ | enid_al_punjabi@gnaa.us [mailto]
| ______-"!^____________________________________ | GNAA World Headquarters
`

Cleo is a genius! (1)

CelticAngel (933280) | more than 8 years ago | (#14097167)

Cleo's M15M are hysterical. I've been keeping up with her journal for a while now. By far the funniest, in my opinion, is her rendition of Phantom of the Opera. My husband and I will randomly throw out lines from that and crack each other up. And her Lost recaps... to die for. OMGWTFPOLARBEAR!?
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