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Stealth Sharks to Patrol the High Seas

samzenpus posted more than 8 years ago | from the friggin-laser-beams-not-included dept.

331

dylanduck writes ""Imagine getting inside the mind of a shark: swimming silently through the ocean, sensing faint electrical fields, homing in on the trace of a scent." That's what the Pentagon wants to do, says New Scientist. By remotely guiding the sharks' movements using a newly designed neural implant, the military hope to transform the animals into stealth spies."

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lasers please (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832737)

meep

Candygram... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14833027)

Enemy of US: Who is it?

Stealth Shark: Flowers.

Enemy of US: Flowers? From whom?

Stealth Shark: Plumber.

Enemy of US: I don't need a plumber. You're that stealth shark, aren't you?

Stealth Shark: Candygram.

Enemy of US: Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You're the stealth shark, and you know it.

Stealth Shark: I'm only a dolphin.

Enemy of US: A dolphin? Well.. okay.. AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Lasers... (4, Funny)

thesnarky1 (846799) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832738)

All the sharks need now is lasers, and we'll be all set!

Re:Lasers... (1)

rune2 (547599) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832794)

All the sharks need now is lasers, and we'll be all set!

pffffft you can have your sharks.... I want the Alan Parsons Project!

Re:Lasers... (Day of the Dolphin) (1)

sampas (256178) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832832)

I liked it better the first time, when it was called The Day of the Dolphin" [imdb.com] , but I guess they'll call it the Day of the Shark. Still waiting for a sequel.

Re:Lasers... (Day of the Dolphin) (1)

thedletterman (926787) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832898)

The Navy has been training dolphins for years. Remote controlled sharks?? Seriously, can we get some freaking lasers installed on their heads?

Re:Lasers... (3, Funny)

pvt_medic (715692) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832836)

eh, you might have better luck with ill tempered mutant sea-bass

So many lasers (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14833051)

Threshold: 1:55

So far, 54 of the 55 existing comments seem to be about Frickin' Laser Beams, or some variation.

Lasers... (0, Redundant)

dmitrygr (736758) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832740)

Bring on the laser beams!

First "laser" post? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832743)

Let's nip this one in the bud...

Wonderful (4, Insightful)

slavemowgli (585321) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832751)

Ah, man: never encumbered by second thoughts about exploiting animals for warfare. Sometimes, I really think "homo arrogans" would be more appropriate (and often quite literally, actually) than "homo sapiens".

Re:Wonderful (1)

AKAImBatman (238306) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832812)

Didn't I see this in a movie once? (Or twice? Or ten different times?) I'm pretty sure I already know what's going to happen:

One of the sharks will be smarter than the rest. It will figure out how to escape its captivity, then lead the rest of the sharks in an attack on tasty human morsels. One by one the humans and sharks will destroy each other. At the end of the movie, the hero/heroine will defeat the Big Bad shark with something lame like a live wire. The sharky explodes in gibblets and everyone lives happily ever after.

Or do they.... ? (Bum, bum, BUUUUUUM)

Re:Wonderful (1)

flyingsquid (813711) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832888)

Didn't I see this in a movie once? (Or twice? Or ten different times?) I'm pretty sure I already know what's going to happen: One of the sharks will be smarter than the rest. It will figure out how to escape its captivity, then lead the rest of the sharks in an attack on tasty human morsels. One by one the humans and sharks will destroy each other. At the end of the movie, the hero/heroine will defeat the Big Bad shark with something lame like a live wire. The sharky explodes in gibblets and everyone lives happily ever after. Or do they.... ?

That's the stupidest, most cliché idea for a movie I've ever heard. You should go to Hollywood and make millions as a screenwriter.

Re:Wonderful (1)

nodnarb24 (957261) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833017)

The movie you are thinking of is Deep Blue Sea [imdb.com] .

Re:Wonderful (3, Interesting)

4e617474 (945414) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832871)

Ah, man:

As opposed to the numerous other species you've known that make weighty moral decisions as they ponder their place in the world? Animals kept by humans experience a huge range of living conditions from the luxurious to the truly dreadful. Animals that people use for military purposes throughout histor have been by and large kept very, very well for a time than thrown into chaotic situations where they face dismemberment and death. The big change from living in the wild is the first part of that equation, not the second.
I'll grant you that taking animals and vivisecting them because you need to look busy when you're grant's up for renewal is sick and wrong, but don't talk about how humans compare to animals as if turning the world over to the hyenas would bring about a Utopia.

Theoretically... (1)

mliikset (869292) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832886)

...since war is a last effort thing, any action is justified. In reality, though...

Re:Wonderful (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832960)

Using a swimming appetite embodied as a spy, or as a "herd dog" for commercial fish, will aid in keeping large feral predatory hunters farther from the patrolled areas. Sharks are strongly territorial, so let's breed BIG remote-controlled sharks and stop hearing about so many human/shark interactions in the surf. Would be a lot better for the sharks than the backlash from a single breakwater bite.

Re:Wonderful (3, Informative)

Wyatt Earp (1029) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833018)

Well actually, Man is encumbered by second thoughts about using animals for warfare, at least the United States has a clear record of caring for thier war animals, honoring thier deaths and caring for them.

""Thousands and thousands of dogs have given their lives for their handlers," said John Burnam, president of the Vietnam Dog Handlers Association and author of Dog Tags of Courage, a book detailing his experience as a handler in Vietnam. "They should be honored for their bravery and courage. A national memorial will honor all dogs in all wars."

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2002/07/07 25_020725_wardogs.html [nationalgeographic.com]

"One such hero pigeon, "President Wilson," died in June 1929. During the Meuse-Argonne offensive, "President Wilson" flew twenty-five miles in as many minutes under heavy machine gun and artillery fire with a shattered leg and a badly wounded breast.

Found dead at the age of eleven, he was stuffed, mounted, and donated to the Smithsonian Institution.

The last of the World War heroes, "Mocker," died at Monmouth in June 1937. Badly wounded, Mocker homed from the vicinity of Beaumont France on September 12, 1918 with a message giving the exact location of enemy heavy artillery batteries."

http://www.monmouth.army.mil/monmessg/newmonmsg/se p022005/m35pigeons.htm [army.mil]

http://www.spawar.navy.mil/sandiego/technology/mam mals/ [navy.mil]
http://www.spawar.navy.mil/sandiego/technology/mam mals/veterinary.html [navy.mil]

There's someone in my head, but it's not me (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832755)

"That team is among a number of groups around the world that have gained ethical approval to develop implants that can monitor and influence the behaviour of animals, from sharks and tuna to rats and monkeys."

Lovely. And in another 10 years they'll tell you that you can't travel abroad without one of those implants.

Who shells out these "ethical approvals" anyways?

Re:There's someone in my head, but it's not me (1)

jpardey (569633) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832764)

The ethical approval people! Ther nice peple. tey smell good.

Re:There's someone in my head, but it's not me (1)

aliscool (597862) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832814)

I am in charge of "ethical approvals" Just send me 10 bucks via paypal and I can approve you as well.

Not nipped in the bud. (1)

saskboy (600063) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832766)

"from the friggin-laser-beams-not-included dept."

No fair, the editor got in the stealth shark with friggin laser beams on head first post!

In Post Austin Powers Slashdot, Lasers frig up Stealth Sharks.

Need help from a subscriber... (1)

moosehooey (953907) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832772)

I can't add one of these new tags, but someone really needs to tag this article "jokebait"

Re:Need help from a subscriber... (0)

19thNervousBreakdown (768619) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832974)

Seconded! Marvelous tag idea :)

Because Angry Striped Bass (0, Offtopic)

Inhibit (105449) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832774)

with laser beams are in short supply these days? Seriously? I mean.. mind controlled sharks rampaging through the waters to.. ah.. warn of potential dangers seems a bit far fetched and scary all at the same time.

Re:Because Angry Striped Bass (1)

killjoe (766577) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832919)

Hey don't be too harsh on them. The pentagon knows that sooner or later Osama is going to get tired of living in the mountains of pakistan and will move to australia to live on the beach. That's when we will get him. Osama will venture down to some beach and talk about overthrowing jeb bush and that's when we will nail him. He will never know that the sharks circling are actually robotic sharks from the CIA.

Trust me, this reasearch is going to win big.

"Newly designed neural implant" (1)

Yehtmae (704201) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832779)

"Newly designed neural implant"

Human model to follow soon?

More importantly (1)

amliebsch (724858) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832780)

Will they be effective against Yuri's boomer subs?

Re:More importantly (1)

floppypond (925229) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832969)

Sure hope so.

We need something to even out the teams...

And I thought ubiquitous cameras were bad ... (1)

arrrrg (902404) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832782)

from now on I'm going to have to worry if my new puppy is secretly reporting back to the NSA. No wonder the little bastard is so inquisitive ...

Re:And I thought ubiquitous cameras were bad ... (1)

saskboy (600063) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832852)

Don't be concerned. I may have changed my signature, but the PFHT is still available:
http://sask.sasktelwebsite.net/petfoilhat.html [sasktelwebsite.net]

I've not yet tested the foil hat on sharks, but it is good underwater, so I see no reason it can't work on large fish.

The Shark That Failed... (1)

creimer (824291) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832786)

Didn't that project failed when their top shark, Dick Cheney, missed the correct target and bagged a lawyer instead?

Re:The Shark That Failed... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832908)

You complain about anyone bagging a lawyer?

Re:The Shark That Failed... (1)

creimer (824291) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832921)

If you're going to bag a lawyer, you need to do it legally. Now if it was a Dan Quayle, that would be a different story. :P

Re:The Shark That Failed... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832941)

Sharks don't attack lawyers - professional courtesy, same as snakes.

Re:The Shark That Failed... (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832988)

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A White House source stated that Congress is considering awarding Vice-President Dick Cheney the Medal of Freedom, the national highest civilian commendation, for his act of bravery in shooting an attorney.
The source was quoted to say " All Americans have wanted to shoot a lawyer at one time or another and Cheney actually had the balls to do it".
In a related story, the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, which issues hunting licenses, said that it will start requiring hunters, wishing to bag a lawyer, to have the new "lawyer's stamp" on their hunting license. Currently Texas hunters are required to carry stamps for hunting birds, deer, and bear, at a cost of $7 annually. The new "lawyers stamp" will cost $100, but open season will be all year long.
The department further stated that although the "lawyers stamp" comes at hefty price, sales have been brisk and it is believed it will generate annual revenues in excess of $3 billion dollars the first year. Other states are considering similar hunting license stamps.

[posted anonymously because I don't want to get sued by a lawyer with no sense of humor]

But the real question is.. (1)

MaXiMiUS (923393) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832790)

But the real question is -- will they have lasers? :-D

There's more to the page (1)

putko (753330) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832791)

At the bottom of the page, there is a discussion of controlling the motion of farmed fish, which would allow them to be kept outside of cages. When it was time to harvest them, they'd assemble for harvesting. Otherwise they'd be free to swim around and spread their toxic fish waste, which would be better for the environment.

Re:There's more to the page (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832931)

Forgive me for being PETA-ish, but the whole concept of forcing animals to do something by adding implants to their brains seems wrong to me. I am fine with eating animals, training animals, animal testing, and all the great uses we have for animals in our society, but this seems to be worse than killing - the animal's freedom is being taken away.

Not smart. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832792)

Not a smart move. Shark populations certainly don't need another reason for people to slaughter sharks. They should implant Bush administration officials instead .. we have too many of them, and their teeny tiny brains should be easier to figure out than a shark...

Two-way? (1)

lheal (86013) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832796)

It might be interesting to teach the sharks some tricks, like jumping through rings and doing neat flips and stuff. Man, I just love it when the dolphins do that at the zoo. Real heartwarming stuff. Might help the shark image, I'd bet.

But it would be really interesting if the sharks could learn to communicate with us using the technology. Not sure how it would work, but it would be great if the sharks were more than just droids.

Re:Two-way? (1)

XorNand (517466) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832822)

From what I understand from watching "Shark Week" on the Discovery channel, sharks are dumber than a box of rocks. Even if we could somehow read their thoughts, I don't know we'd get anything meaningful.

Re:Two-way? (1)

lheal (86013) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832853)

sharks are dumber than a box of rocks.

That is so homocentric! They aren't dumb, it's just that their vast intelligence is focused on other things, like eating boots and anchors and stuff.

I think we should embrace our shark friends, and give them the love they never had as ... little sharks. Then maybe they wouldn't eat us just for swimming around in their pantry.

oh god no (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832800)

can we please have 8 million comments regarding friggen laser beams?

please? please?

because when I see an article titled 'Stealth Sharks to Patrol the High Seas' I wouldn't expect anything less.

How 'bout an off button? (1)

borisborf (906678) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832802)

What will happen to these sharks if they can't eat? They have to have an off-button so that the shark can go back into normal shark mode.

Someone will jam the signals used to control the sharks and then you'll have an immobile shark.

This reminds me of that terrible movie "The Final Cut".

I Saw That Movie (1)

obidonn (590065) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832804)

... on television. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0149261/ [imdb.com] - Deep Blue Sea with Samuel L. Jackson.

Re:I Saw That Movie (1)

demonbug (309515) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832874)

No, see, those sharks got smarter. These sharks are going to have the military running the show. Soon we'll have hundreds of sharks knocking themselves out on the hulls of Japanese fishing boats off the coast of Hawaii.

Military Intelligence, hah!

First it was kitties, now sharks... (1)

lendude (620139) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832807)

I recall reading somewhere (Jim Marrs' Crossfire?) of the experiments with cats the CIA or FBI did, wherein a cat had surgery to install a microphone in it's skull and an antenna in it's tale and was let loose in a Russian Embassy at a party? Kitty wasn't that useful as it had pretty selective attention and later ran on to the road and met an untimely end by vehicle.

Better hope Mr Shark is trained to return when deployed or he may end up being hauled out of the ocean by a drift netter or balloon caster :p

Americans, more discusting than russians by far.. (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14833060)

Man, doing that to a small helpless animal (cat), in the name of some really screwed up (screaming monkey) patriotic, robotic, cold-war/christianity holier-than-thou mentality makes me really sick...if they really wanted to see the jerks that could end the world with their partiotic mumbo-junbo bible-thumping pradigm, all they had to do, is: LOOK IN THE MIRROR sometime!.

No wonder we have tons of wars and we can look forward to group(a) screaming monkeys launching their spaced-based quantum particle/string field palanatiod disruper against group(b) islamic fundementalist states of the middle east in say, circa 2095 and we can all have a really cool blast of a time!! (remember to bring spf 9 million sun screen)

Maybe we can re-design the human race (tranhumanist future) so that we can engineer out all the aggressive/competitive/religious crap, things would be better and we would have no wars and no 911 etc, by believers agains non-believers. (religions such as islam really get me by essentially saying " belive in allah or die unbelievers".

This eally show me how primitive and intellectualy bankrup/stupid these religions are, can't anybody think for themselves any more? You do have a brain, you should use it from time to time.

Then maybe we could smarten up and not be so "god has given me the keys to the kingdom" and anthing/being who does not worship my certian imaginairy friends is not worthy of existience or entreance to my ideal fantasy world etc. etc.

Hmmm (1)

nemik (909434) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832810)

I wonder how the gun-toting dolphins will react to this....

WARNING: PETA Outrage Imminent! (0)

RoffleTheWaffle (916980) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832816)

Step 1: Lobotomize sharks.
Step 2: ...
Step 3: PROFIT!

Then when a Hurricane hits (1)

omegashenron (942375) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832817)

Great first it was killer dolphins [guardian.co.uk] which were released when Katrina hit... next hurricane we will have to contend with killer sharks...

I really wish the US DoD would stop fucking up the world.

Re:Then when a Hurricane hits (1)

jdeluise (804732) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833002)

Sorry, I believe that you're spreading an urban legend [snopes.com] .......

Stealthy (1)

msbsod (574856) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832818)

I am sure these are going to be great stealth spies, thanks to the sonar used to control them. HELLO SPY SHARK, PLEASE ENTER THE PORT AHEAD!

Re:Stealthy (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832858)

Oh man. And I thought SubSeven was bad for port scanning...

Tax Dollars (1)

dameron (307970) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832821)

Stem Cells, no, that'd be immoral.

Mind control steal sharks? Sure.

It's all priorities.

Re:Tax Dollars (1)

omegashenron (942375) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832834)

Stem cells immoral? Not when the military finds a use for them.

Re:Tax Dollars (2, Funny)

killjoe (766577) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832927)

Well god did give dominion over all animals to men. We can do whatever we want to them. We own them. God says so.

A similar project had to be abandoned... (1)

AndrewStephens (815287) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832825)

I remember reading something, I think it was in Nature, about a project to manipulate sharks brains to study Alzheimer's. It didn't work out so well and some people died. The govenment tried to hush in up, but this documentary [imdb.com] is available and contains some chilling footage.

I hope this new project is run with much stricter controls.

Dolphins (1)

drgonzo59 (747139) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832826)

The Soviets already tried doing that with dolphins. They best they managed was to train them to patrol ports. They would bump their nose into a diver that wasn't supposed to be there. If they had a poison spike they could have been used to kill. They also did research into "wiretapping" their brains and turning them into something similar to the sharks in this story.

I think that shark are way cool though, they just need lasers on their heads, and you can't beat that...

Re:Dolphins (1)

beoswulf (940729) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832909)

Dolphins have had some degree of success since the Soviet era. The US Navy is currently using them in the Persian Gulf to search out mines and other underwater threats. But humans have been training animals for thousands of years, somewhat different than bypassing their own instincts completely and controlling their brains.

Obligatory.. (-1, Redundant)

Meph_the_Balrog (796101) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832833)

I for one welcome our new laser wielding stealthy shark overlords

HSX IPO needed (1)

B3ryllium (571199) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832863)

Hollywood Stock Exchange IPO Needed:

Deep Blue Sea [imdb.com] 2

(it is freaking SCARY that I was talking about that movie mere seconds before this popped up on RSS :))

Obligatory Johnny Mnemonic Reference (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832866)

"The Navy wired Jones up with all kinds of shit" -Ice T (and Bill Gibson)

Thats no norwal (1)

lazy genes (741633) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832879)

Its a shark with a ice pick sticking out of its head.Evolution at its worst.

And for our next trick... (1)

Arramol (894707) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832884)

...the soldier that never runs from battle. "Engineers funded by the US military have created a neural implant designed to enable a shark's brain signals to be manipulated remotely, controlling the animal's movements"

Seriously, this is some freaky technology. Oh, and I can't wait to see the reaction from PETA.

Yada yada, laser beams, yada yada (0, Redundant)

demonbug (309515) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832887)

"Umm, why does that shark have frickin laser beams on it's head?"

"For scale [slashdot.org] , you idiot!"

Can't have our RPS(wflb)'s* eyes too big for their stomachs, now can we?

* Remotely Piloted Shark (with frickin laser beams)

The over/under on "fricken lasers..." (0, Troll)

SensitiveMale (155605) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832891)

"attached to their heads" jokes is 20.

Re:The over/under on "fricken lasers..." (1)

essell (446524) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833166)

I'll take $1000 on over!

Freakin lasers? (0, Redundant)

ecorona (953223) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832903)

But do they have freakin' lasers on mounted on their heads?

weapons (-1, Troll)

Citizen of Earth (569446) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832918)

By remotely guiding the sharks' movements using a newly designed neural implant, the military hope to transform the animals into stealth spies.

...And eventually into weapons by mounting frikkin' la-sers on them.

Battle of all battles? (1)

aaron_ds (711489) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832922)

Perhaps we will get to see the ultimate showdown: Military Sharks vs. Armed Dolphins [slashdot.org] .

What sea-life won't the pentagon arm?!

How Science is Cool (1)

toby34a (944439) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832932)

Man, PETA's gonna have a field day with this one. However, it shows just how cool science can be. To actually be able to manipulate the mind of a shark for military purpose... instead of just to see what it does- it's kinda scary, however, it's also kinda useful. New movie idea... the world of the future... where man does not fight, but uses it's mind-controlled shark bombers (with or without laser beams) to nuke the new commies... whomever the new commies would be (prob the French) What fun.

Cool and all, but... (1)

Philnet.HFZ (923313) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832936)

The real question is, will these shark-mind control devices run Linux?

Re:Cool and all, but... (1)

tilde_e (943106) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833106)

The mind control devices must be some kind of BIOS interface... so a better question is "will these *sharks* run Linux?"

Stronger, can we extend this to penguins? They're amphibious!

How about.. (1)

Israfels (730298) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832943)

A Beowulf School of sharks?...

This is what I want as an american. (4, Insightful)

Eric_Cartman_South_P (594330) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832948)

As an American, I don't want lower taxes, better public transportation, or *gasp* national health care. No, I want to connect to sharks with VNC. What a fucking country.

Re:This is what I want as an american. (0, Offtopic)

freedom_india (780002) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832991)

No wonder you have not been modded as insightful.

Can't you understand that fighting terror is more important than your public transportation (which would harm campaign contributors like Ford, GM), better healthcare (harm for-profit hospitals)?

I guess next you would want *gasp* the patriot act to be REPEALED???

Re:This is what I want as an american. (1)

Quiet_Desperation (858215) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833054)

Everyone with their national healthcare, as if it's some, so to speak, magical cure to what ails us. Fuck that.

Stealth sharks fricken' rock. :-) Gimme more of those.

um (1)

macsox (236590) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832956)

maybe we should start by trying to create human stealth spies, eh, miss plame?

Giving hollywood DRM ideas? (1)

plasmacutter (901737) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832957)

Seriously.. "hollywood is able to guide pirates to the straight and narrow thanks to a neural implant in customer's brains"

This news just brings ghost in the shell to mind, where neural implants are expensive but normal, and it's not unusual for someone to HACK YOUR BRAIN!

To venture completely off topic and muse on the concept of neural implants---I don't care if jobs and linus breed the ultimate team of programmers in a eugenics program, I won't trust a chip in my head.

BOINGBOING RIPOFF, -(infinity) (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14832964)

lame, lame, lame. WTFcopters, /. ?

Vacation for Osama (1)

themadplasterer (931983) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832979)

Now if only Osama would get out of landlocked Afghanistan and frolic in an oceam somewhere

My new aquarium (1)

Tau_Xi (958303) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832990)

Ok, so if I get an aquarium full of these "stealth sharks", will I be able to watch them swim? Or will the fish I put in there just dissapear??

As bizarre as it sounds ... (2, Funny)

njchick (611256) | more than 8 years ago | (#14832997)

my gut feeling is telling me that Pentagon is more likely to succeed at making zombie sharks than NASA at launching three more shuttles this year.

Obligatory rimshot jokes.. (1)

davidsyes (765062) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833016)

I suppose if the shark has a friggin laser turret on its head and it gets hungry, we'll have to update the meaning of "fish fry"...

And, if the shark gets to THRASHIN' round and round while the beam's active, we could update the meaning of "fish n' chips"...

Now, if the FRENCH get in on this stupefying, hare-brained military idea, and THEIR shark tags your ass, you'd be "French Fried"...

But, the lameos in congress (the opposite of PROgress) will get an executive order signed to rename US laser kills as "Freedom Fries".

Well, when the sharks end up fighting each other cuz their FRIGGIN lazer beams keep fryin' up all the fish, then the sharks can REALLY get into Freedom Fries... fryin' each other.

AND, if these big fish do their thing in Catskills or Fishkill, it'll get even MORE interesting...

OK, I'm fried...

Hehehe... image word: dreaded

Dophins would be a lot better. (1)

eamonman (567383) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833021)

They'd give us advance notice of impending Earth destruction, while the sharks would simply keep chewing on tourists and sucking down chum from the latest Discovery Channel's Shark Week produced extravaganzas.

Obligatory fisherman analogs.. (1)

davidsyes (765062) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833028)

Joke used to be if you were an expert fisherman, you were a master baiter.

Now, when these sharks get equipped with lasers and get really good at laser tag, who'll be the master baiter? The human that trained them, or the shark? Or, the generals strokin up and down the deep corridors of the pentuhgun?

Yeah But... (1)

Doomedsnowball (921841) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833030)

We've already proven that tinfoil hats won't help the sharks fight the government mind control radio waves. They're totally screwed. Poor sharks.

Although, I wonder if shark bite victims can sue the government? Huh, interesting.

boys will be boys (1)

psycho chic (958251) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833036)

I find this article rather creepy, only for the fact that it shows what desperate measures people have come to. On the other hand, a scientist playing with a sharks mind is sort of like a man playing with his ferarri isnt it? I'm just waiting for the day science wants to tackle the minds of something more important then fish.

Not worthy of mod points (0, Offtopic)

arrrrg (902404) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833038)

Apparently the mods have insightfully given this thread up to the "laser beam" jokes. After almost 90 comments and 1.5 hours, it looks like only 2 mod points have been expended so far.

You have to give them credit when it's due (1)

Quiet_Desperation (858215) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833043)

Stealth sharks are the fraking coolest idea I've heard in 2006 so far.

God bless the military industrial complex. :-)

That almost beats the radio control planes accessorized with Hellfire missiles.

Now where is that power armor already? We're waiting, Pentagon!

Give me a break!!! (1)

Nonillion (266505) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833048)

I guess it's just beyond most human beings intellectual capacity to just get a fucking clue. This ranks right up there with the rest of the dumb fucking things our military does with innocent animals. I could go on endlessly about the things humans do to animals, but then, most of you out there would label me as some wacko animal rights terrorist.

It's beyond bad enough the industrial farming institutions have most people brain washed to believe that eating animals and animal products is "good" for you. When I kick the bucket, I sincerely hope I'm not judged by what the rest of the human race does to animals.

Re:Give me a break!!! (2, Interesting)

johnMG (648562) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833095)

I guess it's just beyond most human beings intellectual capacity to just get a fucking clue. This ranks right up there with the rest of the dumb fucking things our military does with innocent animals.

It's not *just* that people are dumb. They are. But they also don't *want* to know what they do to animals (or causes others to do to animals on their behalf).

For example, offer to show someone a short video of what goes on in an abattoir. Almost guaranteed they will refuse. Tell them you don't think eating meat is wrong -- you just want them to see what goes on for them to be able to eat that McBurger. See if they'd be willing (not even "curious", just *willing*) to see how the fowl are slaughtered. They won't do it -- they will almost always prefer ignorance, and they'll probably also get mad at you for "trying to ruin their day".

stealth spies... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 8 years ago | (#14833050)

..or stealth murderers. although i suppose that would mean making sure everyone you wanted to kill was in the ocean. And thats just silly.

Man's cruelty to animals seems boundless (1)

hutchike (837402) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833122)

It seem to me barbaric to let human (American?) warlust spill over to the manipulation of our beautiful natural world. Sticking transponders into the brains of sharks for nefarious ends? Sick.

Aftermarket upgrades (1)

mbarron (673170) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833151)

Can't wait till they retire them, for the newer anti-grav whale tanks.
Then I can pick the sharks up cheap from army surplus, add on after market laser cannons.
Then ebay them for a tidy profit!

Pentagon Brilliance (1)

brennz (715237) | more than 8 years ago | (#14833160)

Really, you can tell the Pentagon is getting smarter.

While there were probably many different sea animals they could have chosen (namely mammals), they selected the most repulsive and potentially horrifying animal with which to perform their research and development. If these were cute cuddly dolphins, the US media would go apesh.t with Flipper Reruns and talk of barbarism, not to mention the eco-outcry. Instead, most of us had the ominous Jaws theme repeating in our brains as we read the article, so most people will be quite apathetic to the plight of sharks.

On second thought though, perhaps the selection of sharks is not such a bad idea after all. Great white sharks for instance, are nearly apex predators, but not quite http://www.cnn.com/EARTH/9710/08/whale.vs.shark/ [cnn.com] They are also very efficient http://www.elasmo-research.org/education/white_sha rk/catch2.htm [elasmo-research.org] so DOD could just full up one of these remotecontrol-sharks with a full belly of fat every few years or so.

Better keep these things out of Chinese waters though, would hate for one of these things to get defin'd for soup.
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