Stephen Hawking Looking for Assistant 215
An anonymous reader writes "Wanted: Bright graduate student to assist world-famous scientist. International travel, developing computer systems and dealing with the press required.
Renowned astrophysicist and best-selling author Stephen Hawking has announced he is looking for a graduate student to work for him for one to two years. Dust off those CVs, kids!"
Does it involve emptying bedpans? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans? (Score:5, Funny)
Bedpans. And walking upstairs with a prof. over one shoulder.
I've submitted my CV.
Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans? (Score:5, Informative)
Would the assistant be expected to participate in a practice such as this?
A side note: men with ALS are capable of eye control, sphincter control (they do not pee or shit themselves uncontrollably), as well as able to have erections and orgasms. Only motor neurons are affected while the full sensory input is retained.
Another side note: it is not definite that Dr. Hawking actually has ALS (as opposed to some other neurodegenerative disorder). He is the only known ALS patient known to survive for this long, and he has consistently refused any advanced ALS testing.
Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans? (Score:4, Funny)
ALS (Score:5, Interesting)
Actually, it shouldn't be too hard to identify the illness, even from an armchair, for exactly the reasons I outlined. The number of neurologically degenerative diseases that actually spontaneously go into remission is not exactly high. That alone should eliminate the vast majority of ALS-like diseases to something much more manageable. We also have video footage from different stages. Horison did a documentary on Professor Hawking prior to him losing his speech to the trachea operation. We certainly have video footage of him since. Again, that should allow you to exclude certain possibilities. Finally, although a lot of his body has no motor control worth speaking of, his hands most evidently do as that is how he controls the chair and the voice synthesizer, although he's not exactly a speed demon on typing with it. His face also does - he doesn't lack the ability to show emotions.
Oh, that made me think of something else. Those are the same muscles he pushed the hardest from shortly before being diagnosed until he became a total invalid. He would swing on trees extensively, according to his mother in one documentary. It's suspected his heavy physical exercise regimen may have contributed to the disease slowing down and stopping later on in his life, but I believe it to be highly significant that the muscles he pushed the most suffered the least. Again, that can't possibly be characteristic of too many conditions.
From these well-documented and well-established facts, it should be easy to go through those conditions which Professor Hawking might have and discard those that simply don't behave in the way observed. (Or, to pull a Sherlock Holmes, reject the impossible and whatever is left - however improbable - must be correct. This doesn't work in practice for most things, but in this one case, there will be few enough possibilities that eliminating the impossible should be very doable indeed.)
Re:ALS (Score:5, Interesting)
Actually, that's technically pulling an Occam, as it's a variation on Occam's Razor [wikipedia.org]. Yeah, yeah, Holmes said it like that, but Occam's razor is generally thought to be the foundation for Holmes' theory. Er...Doyle's theory, as it were.
Re:ALS (Score:5, Funny)
ya well... no shit, Shirlock.
Re:ALS (Score:4, Insightful)
Actually I think you are dead wrong here. Occam's razor states that you should always choose the least complicated explanation. With Holmes practice deductional observation the more complicated theory is just as or more likely to be the one that actually occurred. Just because it seems simple when Holmes is done explaining it doesnt mean that it was the less complicated scenario. The least complicated scenario, if you have actually read any of the stories, is invariably selected by Inspector lastrade.
Take the case of 'The six Napoleans'. Lastrade comes to holmes with a case where a man is breaking into peoples houses to smash their busts of napolean. One of the simplest explinations is Lastrade's , "he's a nut, simply a nut", if I remember right. As it turns out it is because the man is smashing the busts because there is the bounty from a robery hidden inside of the six napoleans that all came from the same mold where the man use to work.
I know that there are better examples than the one that I used but it is the first that came to mind and is the one that required the least typing. I suspect you misunderstand Holmes when he says stuff like 'simplicity my dear watson' which I beleive to be a sort of arrogant irony. I also suspect that you threw this out there because you wanted us all to think that you are smart, even though the only reason that you know the term Occamm's razor is because it has been popularized in many TV shows and movies(originally in Contact?). For that, I forgive you. But dont misanalyze the legend that is Sherlock Holmes
Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans? (Score:5, Informative)
The "advanced testing" of ALS involves demonstrated upper and lower motor neuron damage with all other known causes (Lyme's, etc.) ruled out. Professor Hawking has already had "advanced testing".
I know, because I was diagnosed two years ago.
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I knew it! He's just faking it all as a PR stunt!
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Thanks for the mental image, dude! Stephen Hawking.... *shudder*.
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And if you slip him off and he cracks his head you get a global ass-pummeling.
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Re:Does it involve emptying bedpans? (Score:5, Funny)
Hawking: I prefer to call it a Hawking hole.
You're Fired! (Score:5, Funny)
Re:You're Fired! (Score:5, Funny)
Re:You're Fired! (Score:5, Funny)
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Actually, "French Erotic Film" is not French, nor erotic, nor a film -- it's just the first episode in Andrew Kepple's animutation epic trilogy "Colin Mochrie versu [albinoblacksheep.com]
Fired or fried? (Score:3, Funny)
Actually he wouldn't say you're fired. (Score:2, Funny)
Mech Voice:Introduce yourself assistant (Score:2)
I am Hawking's bitch grad student assistant, BITCH!
Dear Stephen (Score:5, Funny)
Hope to hear back from you!
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I remember once reading an interview with him, in which it was mentioned that one of the first things he always likes to show visitors is the picture of himself with Marilyn Monroe.
Re:Dear Stephen (Score:5, Funny)
Which just goes to show he's not as smart as we thought...
*ducks flying crockery*
Re:Dear Stephen (Score:5, Funny)
But Stephen Hawking himself is Crazy As Fuck [mchawking.com]!
Straight out of Oxford a crazy motherfucker named Hawking.
When I be rocking the mic you be gawking,
at me 'cause I'm a bad mama-jamma,
you wanna lock me up put my ass in the slamma.
But fuck that shit 'cause no jail can hold me,
you can't even catch me much less control me.
So if you see me coming you better duck,
'cause Stephen Hawking is crazy as fuck.
Aspirin for Mensa members. (Score:5, Funny)
*sniff*
Mommmeeee!
The Apprentice (Score:5, Funny)
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Yes, but... (Score:5, Funny)
Sorry, couldn't resist. I understand if you have to mod me down.
Comment removed (Score:4, Funny)
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But it will live on as Hawking Radiation! A small comfort, yes, but still better than nothing.
Looking for what?? (Score:5, Funny)
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That was hilarious. I'm still laughing.
Just goes to show, real comedy happens in real life.
From what I understand... (Score:4, Funny)
The link (Score:5, Informative)
No way! I've heard... (Score:2)
One to two years? (Score:2)
Cool links. [blogspot.com]
Yeah, but go figure (Score:4, Interesting)
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One of the most cringeworthy pieces of television I've ever seen was when Hawking was on live TV in the UK. The bonehead presenter asked a question that wasn't prearranged. This was followed by the most awkward two minutes of standing around that I've witnessed.
Star Wars: Stephen Hawking style (Score:5, Funny)
Stephen Hawking: Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.
Stephen Hawking: Why wish you become physicist?
Graduate Student B: Well, mostly because of my father, I guess.
Stephen Hawking: Ahh, physicist. Powerful physicist was he. Powerful physicist.
Graduate Student B: How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here! We're wasting our time!
Stephen Hawking: [Looking away from Graduate Student B] I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience.
Albert Einstein: He will learn patience.
Stephen Hawking: Much anger in him... like his father.
Albert Einstein: Was I any different when you taught me?
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While travelling near FTL-speeds could help you travel to the future, I don't think it's possible to travel back in time. In short: your script sucks! Back to the drawing-board buddy!
Requirements (Score:5, Funny)
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> the other end of the chess table.
Assuming you could get pawns that far on Hawking... Why the fuck not?
Qualifications updated! (Score:2)
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Not a student.. (Score:5, Informative)
If you read the advertisement, it seeks a "recent graduate", not a "graduate student". This is definitely a job, not a studentship. Do not expect to come out of it with a graduate degree. That aside, there are plenty of other reasons to see it as an appealing opportunity.
Re:Not a student.. (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Not a student.. (Score:4, Interesting)
"Must be young, attractive, and female" (Score:4, Informative)
add this caveat: (Score:5, Funny)
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Yeah, cause every time you meet someone with an assistant, some lame cartoon is the first thing that comes to mind.
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"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a herd of yaks, a box of latex gloves, and a swimming pool filled with vaseline at this time of night?"
I thought he had a titanium exoskeleton... (Score:5, Funny)
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Re:I thought he had a titanium exoskeleton... (Score:4, Insightful)
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39133
I wish more people read the Onion.
Stellar oppurtunity for some lucky person (Score:2, Interesting)
My sincere and most envious congratulations to whomever gets this position,
Jim
Wanted: Personal nurse with PhD in Physics & P (Score:2)
That's exactly what I was thinking, except for your use of the word "quotidian" which I don't think I've ever seen used in conversation before. Encountering new words is fun, especially when encountered "in the wild" so to speak.
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All that from emptying bedpans?
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Then for the other 99.9999%. For math things and my mind. I create a mental ball within my mind, a virtual brain if you will, and let that intuitively come back with my answer. One of my proje
maybe not (Score:2)
I mean, fair enough. He was talking to
Stephan Hawking needs respect too. (Score:5, Insightful)
Here we have a man, who perhaps because of his disability, is giving his brain exersize that the rest of his body will never get, a man who has contributed much to our knowledge of the universe, and who may yet deduce the causitive reason for the accelleration we are seeing of distant objects before he passes.
As for his passing, I'd imagine that his health is monitored at least 10 times more diligently than any of us do for ourselves. That will see to it that the age related degenerative things are kept in check as best we know how to do. However, the real monitoring is more likely concentrated on the treatment of bedsores and that sort of thing, as well as maintaining his immune system as best we (the medical professions 'we') can. However, he has a resident rn to handle the bedpanish and bedsores sorts of things, so those duties would not normally fall to the assistant.
If I were 50 years younger, I'd kill for a chance at that job. Unforch, my experience level at 50 years ago wouldn't have allowed me to do what he needs done today. Without formal schooling, it does take a while to arrive at that point of having the knowledge needed.
--
Cheers, Gene
Re:Stephan Hawking needs respect too. (Score:5, Insightful)
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and what state of mind drives a Geek to make Hawking's disability a frat house joke?
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That's correct; Slashdot has deftly changed from being a discussion of those metaphorical front-benchers, to bar-room banter from the backbenchers. Nerds have become bullies at roughly about the same time when geekdom became mainstream.
As for me, I came into this discussion trusting that the Slashdot hive mind will use its Google-fu and find the only link [slashdot.org] I'm really interested in. The rest is all hubris.
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No one should be above ridicule (Score:5, Insightful)
We human beings make fun of our own. We human beings kid around, tease, and poke at each other. Did you see the American show, "Last Comic Standing"? Josh Blue, a comic on there, had a solid case of cerebal palsy, as evidenced by his constant, jerky motion.
You know why he won?
The guy could laugh at himself. He could laugh at us laughing at him. He could laugh at stereotypes. He could laugh.
Maybe you could learn something about yourself from Josh.
Nothing in this thread so far - my earlier jest included - is so spiteful and cruel that even Steven himself couldn't get a chuckle from it.
Maybe the problem is that some people in this world take themselves and their conditions too damn seriously.
Strike that, I'm sure that's the problem.
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Re:Stephan Hawking needs respect too. (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Stephan Hawking needs respect too. (Score:4, Funny)
Academic Title nazi (Score:2)
It's actually the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucasian_Professor [wikipedia.org]. Sir Isaac Newton was a previous holder of the position.
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Thanks for the link that clarifies that, I hadn't thought to lo
The best science is understandable science! (Score:2)
The guy has done something that even einstein couldn't do: He made serious physics breakthroughs accessible to and understandable for the little guys, those of us who DON'T get it and need someone to not talk down to us while we try.
he's almost unreal for most of us, a kind of science god. His illness is our only reminder that he's one of us at all. I applaud him for being able to laugh at it, while i am overwhelmed by his science-fu.
I'm not qualified for the job, but i envy t
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--
Cheers, Gene
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Why should one respect a CHAIR? The higher the chair, the higher the likelihood that the position was not obtained due to skills, but politics. You can respect Stephen Hawking for his works -- or not, depending on whether you fin
Re:Stephen Hawking needs respect too. (Score:2)
--
Cheers, Gene
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Don't take me too serious, I could be jealous, of the people who do have that luxury, usually with daddy paying the bills. Me? I had a health problem that ran me out of school back in '48 or so, and I've been chaseing electrons and making t
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missing requirement (Score:4, Funny)
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Can I use that sweet wheelchair? (Score:2)
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It's a really tough job to fill... (Score:5, Insightful)
Hawking's ability to use his clicker to pick-up words on his computer has deteriorated and making a sentence is a really tough job for him: you have to guess what he wants to say and watch his eyes for confirmation... it must be a maddening thing to know all that knowledge and all those ideas bottled up inside that brain that can barely communicate a few words a minute...
With all our technology, you'd think that we could do a better job of helping people with such crippling diseases to allow them communicate more fluently.
It's sad that this great mind may never be able to give us all it can, even if some of his ideas end up being wrong, there is still enough material there to make great advances in science.
Re:It's a really tough job to fill... (Score:4, Funny)
But, as for reading eye movements and guessing words etc, he's obviously after a male who's been married for years. That should get me modded down by half the population. :-).
But seriously, eye and facial (of which, SH must be slowly loosing both) movement is a significant slice of communication and more so with people who know each other well/long. What's gotta be troublesome is communicating complex ideas like physics. Baffled as to how he can continue to work.
Just remember... (Score:4, Funny)
Been there, done that (Score:4, Informative)
I was Hawking's assistant a few years ago. It's a great job, but one that I would not want to revisit. For a smart young dude it provides a great opportunity to travel and grow personally whilst dealing with some of the greatest and ost disparate minds and egos on the planet.
As for what I had to do for him, remember that there is a team of equally dedicated nurses to attend to personal needs.
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And that's the real rub - his ego can be a bit, shall we say awkward. I'd expect you'd need a very thick skin to deal with him on a day to day basis, unless he's mellowed a LOT over time.
Cheap Bastard! (Score:3, Funny)
Nah. He should post it on Monster.
He can get tens of thousands of cookie-cutter CVs that say "I studied Java, which is a lot like Cosmology. No one understands it either."
"I did some C#, which is a lot like Creationism."
Discuss.
Playing BOFH? (Score:4, Funny)
The Head of the Group is Professor Stephen Hawking who is disabled and communicates using a computer system and speech synthesiser. If you were accepted for the post you would be responsible for maintaining and improving this computer system as well as other pieces of support equipment.
#$recorded_msg_1 = Synth.Say("Good bye");
$recorded_msg_1 = Synth.Say("Asta la vista, baby!");
#$recorded_msg_2 = Synth.Say("Yes, please");
$recorded_msg_2 = Synth.Say("Go ahead punk, make my day!");
Oh... priceless!!!
Curriculum Vitae (Score:5, Informative)
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I quit. =/
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Now there's a guaranteed way for someone to not get a job as an assistant professor. CVs are trimmed by senior people who are famous enough to not need to list their little poster publications. But your advice should apply to no one else. A typical CV is eight pages lo
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"For millions of years mankind lived just like animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination. We learned to talk."
Not as funny as the simpsons but far more ironic.
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That, at least, I can believe.