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The Physics of Santa

CmdrTaco posted more than 7 years ago | from the tachyons-and-jeffries-tubes-oh-my dept.

Christmas Cheer 172

Roland Piquepaille writes "If you don't believe that Santa Claus can deliver presents to millions of homes in a single night, Larry Silverberg, professor of mechanical and aerospace engineering at North Carolina State University (NCSU), explains that Santa's society of elves has an understanding of physics and engineering that exceeds our own. In fact, Santa Claus and his crew really can deliver presents in one night because of their advanced knowledge of electromagnetic waves, the space/time continuum, nanotechnology, genetic engineering and computer science. For example, he doesn't carry presents. He uses a nano-toymaker to fabricate toys grown atom by atom inside the children's homes. Very entertaining reading... Here is a link to additional details and pictures of Santa and his elves flying over New Zealand."

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And if you believe that.... (3, Funny)

Swimport (1034164) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354386)

Ive got a bridge and a Messiah to sell you.

Re:And if you believe that.... (1)

KarmaOverDogma (681451) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354418)

Ummm, Just who do you think Santa works for anyway? It stands to reason (and faith?) that given this, Santa would have more than a few tricks up his sleeve...

Re:And if you believe that.... (1)

Swimport (1034164) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354530)

-1 Troll? That was gold man, gold.

I didn't realize there were so many Santa believers in here.

Re:And if you believe that.... (1)

partenon (749418) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354710)

Bad, bad boy... No new gadgets for you this year.

And if you believe that....Wrench Wench. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355746)

That's ok. I'm still playing with last year's Gadget [wikipedia.org] .

--
My SD word for today is "sexual".

Re:And if you believe that.... (2, Informative)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354712)

Actually, Sinter Klass was a real person who was born in 280.
While the legends just grew from evolving story telling, the person did exist.
As for "Messiah" that you speak of, the same is true.

Most people grow out of believing in the magic legend of "Santa".

Sadly, a majority of people, believe that "Messiah" did things more magic than flying with a bright nosed caribou.

If this is possible (1)

MrCrassic (994046) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354394)

Then why am I not floating in a huge B-Field right now?

I feel the karma roasting ...right....now....

Re:If this is possible (-1)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354612)

You're not, you're floating in a huge BS-Field right now.

Why do we think its cute and sweet to lie to children. Its not? It teaches them cynacism from the get go.

There is no Santa Claus. No easter bunny. No unicorns, mermaids, dragons, fairies, space aliens we know of, etc...

Yes, these things have a real existence, in the sense an idea has a real existance in a patterning of electromagnetic fields and chemical connections inside the human mind... and yes these ideas have been replicated from mind to mind across billions of people. So in a bizarre way, you could say, all these things have a real presence in reality. But then, they don't.

To make up amusing stories to prop up and support these fancies and make a webpage about them... is just... more net dribble. How can someone new to this planet ever hope to seperate fact with fiction, when our world has become so inundated with fictions that their quantity often overwhelms and buries the truth.

Re:If this is possible (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354782)

> You're not, you're floating in a huge BS-Field right now.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from bullshit."

I noticed the article doesn't explain how Santa can simultaneously appear at 30,000 shopping malls!

Re:If this is possible (1)

tepples (727027) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355098)

I noticed the article doesn't explain how Santa can simultaneously appear at 30,000 shopping malls!

A slightly more believable lie is that each of the shopping center representatives of the organization founded by Nicholas of Myra [wikipedia.org] has his own sleigh, set of reindeer, and delivery route.

Wiki wiki wiki wiki, shut up. (5, Informative)

tepples (727027) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355072)

There is no Santa Claus.

But there was [wikipedia.org] .

No easter bunny. No unicorns

Is this close enough [wikipedia.org] ? Even the giant unicorn [wikipedia.org] is only as dead as the dodo.

mermaids

There are mermaids [bbc.co.uk] , but society doesn't know how to accommodate them, so the tail is split into two legs.

dragons

Commode? Oh. [wikipedia.org]

fairies

O RLY? [wikipedia.org]

space aliens we know of, etc...

Has there ever been an astronaut from one country lift off in another country's spacecraft? If so, that's a space alien [wikipedia.org] .

As Newcleus [wikipedia.org] put it, "Wiki wiki wiki wiki, shut up."

Re:If this is possible (2)

Nephilium (684559) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355702)

And I thought I was bitter...

YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
'So we can believe the big ones?'
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY...

Death to Susan... from Hogfather...

Nephilium

"I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn't care who knew it." -- The Big Sleep (Chapter 1)

Re:If this is possible (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355948)

>> Why do we think its cute and sweet to lie to children. Its not?

I think is in preparation for Christianity. Hey Billy, Santa didn't fly in the air, but angels do... Dragons don't exist, except in Hell where the fire and dragon people are.

>> There is no Santa Claus. No easter bunny. No unicorns, mermaids, dragons, fairies, space aliens we know of, etc...

Sinterklaas/Sint Nikolaas was born in 280, and died in 342.

The magic in the legend came from storytelling.

All great legends probably started with some reality.

There may have been someone that saved his family in a flood long ago, then story grew into the Noah legend saving the world from disaster.

Though Sinterklaas was a bit more recent, so if you want, you can find some historic information of him if you wish.

Re:If this is possible (2, Insightful)

E++99 (880734) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355962)

Yes, these things have a real existence, in the sense an idea has a real existance in a patterning of electromagnetic fields and chemical connections inside the human mind.

Oh boy, I hate to be the one... but when mommy and daddy told you that the human mind is just a patterning of electromagnetic fields and chemical connections... they were lying. Chemical connections and electromagnetic fields becoming self-aware holds up about as well as the Physics of Santa.

Re:If this is possible (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354930)

NO U! .________________________________________________. | ______________________________________._a,____ | | _______a_._______a_______aj#0s_____aWY!400.___ | | __ad#7!!*P____a.d#0a____#!-_#0i___.#!__W#0#___ | | _j#'_.00#,___4#dP__##___#,__0#Wi___*00P!_"#L,_ | | _"#ga#9!01___"#01__#0,_"4Lj#!_4#g_________"01_ | | ________"#,___*@`__-N#____`___-!^_____________ | | _________#1__________?________________________ | | _________j1___________________________________ | | ____a,___jk_GAY_NIGGER_ASSOCIATION_OF_AMERICA_ | | ____!4yaa#l___________________________________ | | ______-"!^____________________________________ | ` _______________________________________________

Re:If this is possible (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355986)

The explanation of how Santa delivers all these presents is much simpler than most people think: He outsources all the work to India.

Wow (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354410)

This shit is incredibly stupid. And, I, for one, welcome our new Santa overlords.

Re:Wow (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354574)

All your Elve are belong to us?

Re:Wow (-1, Troll)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354644)

Fuck no, All My Penis Are Belong To Me. Once again there was nudity on the sky.

Long distance delivery (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354412)

>Science of Santa Claus: Jolly Old Elf Really Can Deliver Presents in One Night, Says NC >State Engineer

Your American tax dollars at work, everyone.

Please can someone work out how to deliver presents to Mars colonists in a night. It would be extremely helpful in the near future.

Santa

Re:Long distance delivery (1)

JackieBrown (987087) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354540)

I was thinking this guy has too much time on his hands.

Coming up next... (1)

x2A (858210) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354902)

While Santa was delivering presents, his famous book, which lists all the boys and girls as either being good or bad over the past year, was stolen. The book was protected with "Secure Present Flight" which should have kept it secure, but it is now believed that this information has fallen into the hands of advertising agencies, and the government, threatening privacy and personal freedom everywhere. This is the third theft of this kind just this month, all over the world people are asking "how safe is all this information being collected about me?", and all over the world they're finding the answer is a very certain "shhh!".

Re:Coming up next... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355334)

May I have a copy of the California, Female, 21 - 25 year old, 5'2 - 5'5, 110 - 125 pound, blonde, naughty list?

Roland the Plogger, cashing in on Xmas (0, Redundant)

Animats (122034) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354422)

Roland the Plogger even tries to cash in on Xmas. How tacky.

Santa DID show up my house last year - see video (4, Informative)

xmas2003 (739875) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354426)

The local paper wrote a similar story last year - my response from my Santa Tracker page [komar.org] is attached below ... and as noted, the christmas webcams [komar.org] are live again this year looking for the Big Red Guy.


Todd Neff from the Boulder Camera wrote a Christmas Eve article about the physics of Santa. [dailycamera.com] He included a "Parental disretion advised" notice, but the headline writer argueably got a little carried away. Needless to say, since I live in the Republic of Boulder, [blogspot.com] outraged residents wrote several letters to the editor [dailycamera.com] that were published on December 28th. So I wrote the following which ran on December 31st. [dailycamera.com] Great headline by the Camera and they printed my letter in its entirety (including some subtle attempts at humor) with minor grammatical edits.

HO, HO, HO - Yes, Virginia, as my Web cam shows

As a technologist, I enjoyed Todd Neff's piece on Christmas Eve about the physics of Santa; kudos to the Daily Camera for not just reprinting the AP article, but doing some local embelishment that added a nice touch to the story (and ditto in the Dec. 28 piece about the coming leap-second).

As reported by the Camera's Kate Larsen a week earlier (Dec. 17), I have three Web cams (three more than last year) at my house watching my 26,000 Christmas lights. Needless to say, my 7-year-old and 4-year-old sons were excited to see if Santa would show up on these Web cams. And, not surprisingly, the Big Red Guy (and especially Rudolph) are quite visible stopping by our Lafayette house on Christmas Eve. [komar.org]

So while it would be (way!) out of place for me to weigh in on journalistic reporting as other letter writers have, I thought I would write to say that while Todd accurately reported that the physics of Santa are a challenge, the conclusion is wrong. Yes, sometimes, the paper doesn't get the story right ... and yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

Santa does deliver presents on Christmas Eve to children around the world.

The magic/miracle is still alive, and I would suggest that Camera readers (and their kids) review the video at www.komar.org to judge for themselves.

And you'd better believe I'll be watching next year as Santa returns at Christmas.

Re:Santa DID show up my house last year - see vide (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354572)

Live egh ?

http://www.komar.org/christmas/hoax/media.html [komar.org]
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6761704/ [msn.com]

perhaps it would be best if WE DIDN'T BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD YOU SAY
and get our Santa Tracker from someone a bit more reputable
http://www.noradsanta.org/ [noradsanta.org]

Re:Santa DID show up my house last year - see vide (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354678)

Bravo on the work that you are doing. Please rest assured that not all /.ers heartless bastards!

For the rest of you, It's safe to say that most of the nay-saying geeks out there will wash out of the gene pool by virtue of being unable to procreate (you need to sleep with a girl to do so).

Re:Santa DID show up my house last year - see vide (1)

mackyrae (999347) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355558)

For the rest of you, It's safe to say that most of the nay-saying geeks out there will wash out of the gene pool by virtue of being unable to procreate (you need to sleep with a girl to do so).

That's why there's test tube babies--to counteract all the stupid non-geeks and their disgusting procreative sex crap. The more sex can be avoided, the better.

Evidence (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354430)

If anyone needs further evidence that Slashdot is not for adults, this should put the nail in that coffin.

Re:Evidence (1)

gusmao (712388) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354484)

The motto is not "news for adults", is "news for nerds"

Hey Mr. Professor, Santa does not exist (0, Redundant)

locksmith101 (1017864) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354436)

hey, hate to break it to ya - but Santa does not exist (and if he does exist he should be prosecuted for molesting little girls and boys - why do parents let their kids sit on grown weird fake beared people?)

Re:Hey Mr. Professor, Santa does not exist (-1, Flamebait)

Basehart (633304) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354452)

No presents for you fuck face.

Re:Hey Mr. Professor, Santa does not exist (1)

cjjjer (530715) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354604)

Depends on how you define santa [cnn.com]

I'm dreaming... (-1, Offtopic)

Frosty Piss (770223) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354462)

...of a Roland-free year. Yeah, I know, wishful thinking...

Colz Grigor: Santa is Magic (1)

Colz Grigor (126123) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354474)

All this debate about a "high-tech Santa" coming from the "Oh, we can't accept that he's a magical being" contingent is getting pathetic. All Heinlein quotes aside, the reason Santa can know who's naughty and who's nice without being accused of being a "Big Brother" by SlashDot and the reason that he can provide gifts to all the good little girls and boys in a single evening without being seen or captured is because he's magic! Get over it, all you hack scientists!

::Colz Grigor

Re:Colz Grigor: Santa is Magic (2, Funny)

partenon (749418) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354578)

Understanding *how* Santa Claus delivers the gifts in Christmas Eve can help us improve our engineering. Where do you think the idea behind Google Search [google.com] came from? Doesn't the pigeons idea looks like Santa's carriers?

Dr. Who (2, Insightful)

Ksevio (865461) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355120)

Obviously Santa uses time lord technology to fly his sleigh around and store all the presents inside it. It's bigger on the inside than the outside.

Not Science... Law! (1)

Belial6 (794905) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355870)

Yes. It is time to turn our attention to the evil that Santa commits. Does his magic also allow him to commit more acts of copyright, patent, and trademark infringement in one night than even the worst pirates do in a whole year? This red suited criminal is stealing millions of dollars of potential revenue from poor starving artists and RIAA executives.

Any decent artist out there want to make up a cartoon depicting the RIAA suing Santa in a courtroom?

Roland (5, Funny)

Lord_Dweomer (648696) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354508)

While this IS technically a Roland story and I should be refusing to post in it (don't be fooled that he has an original link in his post, he still has his ZDNet blog link in there as well) I'd like to take this opportunity to copy/paste one of my favorite Santa posts [slashdot.org] of all time that I found on Slashdot. Props to rev_g33k_101 for this one.

Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective I. There are approximately 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Jehovah's Witnesses, or Buddist religions, this reduces the workload on Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with at least one good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, jump out, go down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump in the sleigh, and move on to the next house. (That's why it's really pointless to stay up and wait for him....)

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom breaks. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For the purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 75.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child has nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull nothing more than 300 pounds. Even granted that "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the sleigh itself, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizibeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance; this would heat up the reindeer in the same fasion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and causing deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.2 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seem ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pound of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Don't forget to click my link and read some of the responses to the original post, they're great. Merry Christmas Slashdot!

Re:Roland (5, Informative)

Dirtside (91468) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354662)

The "Santa post" you quote is originally from the January 1990 issue of Spy Magazine.

Re:Roland (1)

tomhudson (43916) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354846)

As I previosly poited out to someone else when they posted something along the same argument i their journal:

  1. Santa is obviosusly a clone. Look anywhere - there are hundreds of them visible in every shopping mall. Or are you going to deny the evidence of your own eyeballs?
  2. Assuming an "even distribution: is the WORST POSSIBLE distribution, guaranteed to suck up the most time. The real distributin is much more optimal. You'll find most kids have a brother or sister, cutting the number of trips by at least half. Also, most kids live far less than 1 km away from any other kid - like "next door", "same apartment building", etc. The real-world distribution is two roders of magnitude better than "evenly distributed" (how many kids live in the middle of the pacific ocean, or antarctica, anyway)?
  3. Assuming only 5 million Santa clones, and a much more reasonable distribution, works out that each Santa only has to make 21 stops, all in the same neighborhood, that night. Chimneys? Come on, who has a working chimney nowadays, with the EPA, etc? He delivers to the door, same as FedEX, DHL and UPS.

Just let it go (1)

dubonbacon (866462) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354518)

This guy really couldn't let go his childhood beliefs.

Re:Just let it go (1)

ubuwalker31 (1009137) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354960)

Are you kidding? This author's name is Dr. Larry Silverberg. I somehow doubt that Silverberg's Jewish mother would have even allowed him near a Santa or a Christmas Tree. If anything, it is because his parents wouldn't let him participate in the Holiday Season that he feels a need to explain it scientifically. Or, he is just being a wiseass and trying to teach a little physics to the good Christian boys and girls :-)

A blast from the past (0, Redundant)

laing (303349) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354524)

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

  1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
  species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
  these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
  reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

  2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
  since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
  Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total -
  378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
  (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
  homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

  3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
  different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels
  east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits
  per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
  children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the
  sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
  remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,
  get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
  next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
  distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but
  for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now
  talking about...78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
  miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
  every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

  This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
  times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-
  made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
  miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per
  hour.

  4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
  (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
  who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional
  reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying
  reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we
  cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.
  This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh
  - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the
  weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

  5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous
  air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
  spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of
  reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.
  Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
  exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in
  their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26
  thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to
  centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
  Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his
  sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

  IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
  he's dead now.

Re:A blast from the past (1)

partenon (749418) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354610)

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
    times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-
    made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
    miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per
    hour.
That's the reason most people (perhaps including you?) have never seen Santa before...

National Security (1)

Joebert (946227) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354560)

Has anyone notified the President about this ?

Re:National Security (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354602)

Has anyone notified the President about this

Give him a chance he is still on page 11 of "My Pet Goat"

Re:National Security (1)

TodMinuit (1026042) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354676)

Of course! He can't wait to see if Santa brought him a Tickle Me Elmo.

Even NORAD tracks the old guy... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354584)

Just take a look at the Norad Santa scanner [noradsanta.org] . Now we'd better hope he won't be identified as a terrist and shot down when he makes is way into the US :-)

Please... (1)

amstrad (60839) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354588)

... won't somebody think of the children!

Re:Please... (1)

partenon (749418) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354692)

I think this can help our geek children understand that Santa do exist. Most of geek children don't believe in Santa anymore, and proving Santa is also a geek can help'em.

With all that advanced tech... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354652)

Santa could easily solve the world's oil and energy problems.

But, no; the world's spoiled brats complained when he gave them coal instead of the usual useless trinkets back in the day.
And now those same little bastards are all grown up, and killing people who don't give them enough oil.

Bah! Humbug!

The Real Story (1)

cirby (2599) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354660)

From http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/santaring.html [tiac.net]

(Don't bother hitting the link, here's the text from the page - the author who collected and organized the posts is Richard Harter, and everything from here on down is his effort, with some minor edits to make it past the filter on Slashdot):

Santa Claus: Lord of the Rings

In the rec.arts.sf.written newsgroup there was a disturbingly plausible thread connecting Santa Claus and the Lord of the Rings. Learn about fruitcake as mathoms, the sinister Tom Bombadil, Silmarils on the Christmas tree, reindeer as ringwraiths, and other horrors. The gruesome details follow:

Chad Irby
How do you think Santa got all of his workers?

He ended up with all of the Elven rings, and centuries of malnourishment and mistreatment has resulted in a flock of miniscule elf-slaves.

George Williams
"One ring to rule them all, and unto Christmas bind them."

Sea Wasp
The One wasn't destroyed... Santa got a hold of it.

Makes sense. All those paranoia-inducing lyrics ... "He sees you when you're sleeping... he knows when you're awake... he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake!"

Kyle Haight
Wonderful. Now I'm going to dream about Santa's terrible jolly red eye.

aRJay
I've just realised, it's worse than that, the books lied. Santa didn't get the ring. The ability to see everything he has an all seeing eye.

Santa is Saur...

*NO CARRIER*

Mark Atwood
"There is, in a tower, far to the north, an Eye, unblinking."

Niall McAuley
As to who Santa really is, which jolly character in LOTR actually gets to *hold the ring in his hand* at one point?

So, old Tom Bombadil does a little ring-palming and sends Frodo off with a lesser ring, then clears off to the ruins of Angband beneath the North Polar ice cap, there to use the power of the One Ring to draw the surviving Orcs to him, to toil beneath the ice in his grim, satanic toy mills.

Sea Wasp
Now THAT is a stroke of genius. And with Bombadil's power PLUS the One's, BombaSauron is able to cause Barad-Dur to topple, etc., at the appropriate time. This implies that Sauron himself WILL come back one day, since his Ring is still intact, though.

Michael S. Schiffer
Of course. "[T]he children know he'll be back again someday." Though that song reflects the conflation of multiple Dark Lords. The magic hat is, of course, the Iron Crown ("he began to dance around" is a memory of when Luthien sang for him in Thangorodrim), and the association with cold and snow is similarly obvious. But the "eye[s] made out of coal" are, of course, Sauron's, which glowed red and fiery like a live coal. And the pipe is, as you'd guess, from Saruman.

Andrew Plotkin
But there were only nine Nazgul -- oh, no, wait, Sauron also brought three of the dwarven rings to himself during the Third Age. Total: twelve tiny reindeer. (Three smaller than the others.)

The Christmas Tree is the sign of Bombadil's power, of course, but... um, why do we traditionally put a Silmaril at the top?

Sea Wasp
Morgoth's Crown, you fool.

Liz Broadwell
Specifically, it's a propitiation ritual -- we act out returning the one that Beren and Luthien stole, in the hope that nobody will blame *us* for the deed of some idiot hero. What'd they want it for, anyway? Not like they did anything useful with it once they'd got it ...

Jouni Karhu
No. Instead, when the Christmas Tree dies and we carry it outside, it symbolizes the felling of the Trees of Valinor.

John David Galt
Does that mean the Christmas feast celebrates the Kinslaying? As a sort of evil Miracle of Transsubstantiation?

Michael S. Schiffer
Swords and swan-ships, carving knives and turkeys (or geese)... the correspondences aren't exactly subtle. (And we probably shouldn't even get started on the fruitcake-- but think the Haudh-en-Ndengin.)

Charles R Martin
Yes, I think fruitcake is becoming increasingly important in this whole thread.

Brenda W. Clough
Obviously fruitcakes are mathoms, those presents which are passed around from hobbit to hobbit.

Steinn Sigurdsson
Hmm, so that is why we kill it before decorating it, to make the Ents cry some more?

Michael Stemper (re Nazgul and reindeer)
No, nine is exactly right. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen make eight. Then, you add in the (non-canonical) Rudolph, with his glowing red nose, and you have nine reindeer for mortal men doomed to die.

George William Herbert
And, given the various Rings' proclivity for glowing with red elvish runes, and modern body piercing, we have a plausible theory for *why* Rudolph's nose glows red...

Lance Purple
How does Tolkien's "Father Christmas Letters" fit into all of this? Is the North Polar Bear one of the Beornings? Are the Goblins the same ones defeated at the Battle of Five Armies? etc.

Chad Irby
But since Tom Bombadil/Santa was already a major power before he got the Ring, Sauron is out in the cold, and would be stuck in some backwoods spot, getting less and less powerful. Which would explain where the Grinch came from.

Sea Wasp
Of COURSE! And the Hobbits are the Whos!

And when Sauron finally repents of his nature -- redemption of his Maia spirit -- he once more can access that part which was locked away, thus the strength boost he got.

Michael S. Schiffer
It fits-- from his interrogation of Gollum, he knew that the One had been a "present", so he contrived to grab all of their presents in the hopes of getting it back. (One may forgive him for not getting the distinction between Christmas presents and birthday presents, it had been so long since he'd gotten either.)

Re:The Real Story (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355064)

TL; DR.

Roland! (4, Funny)

Wellington Grey (942717) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354736)

I must say, I've never been one of the Roland haters on slashdot, but then I never knew that he wears orange glasses with a matching shirt [nyud.net]

-Grey [wellingtongrey.net]

infOrmative goatgoat (-1, Offtopic)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354768)

a super-organised as little overhead BSD culminated in I'm sick of it. continues toChew about who can rant has been my only turned over to yet the ooficial GAY FreeBSD had long

Zombie tradition (1, Interesting)

Solder Fumes (797270) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354840)

I'm not sure why people insist on keeping this farce alive. I think the parents are duped even more than the kids are, based on my own experience...long before anyone stopped pretending that Santa existed around me, I knew what was up. I got a bittersweet kick out of watching grown men and women tell bald-faced lies to my face. And I played them like marionettes, inventing new devious questions about Santa; just enough to make them visibly scramble for an answer, but not enough to make them think I knew the truth. Yet it was pretty disgusting to see adults try to pull one over on kids, depending on their innocence and lack of experience to bully children into nonsense for their own amusement.

Seriously...at what point does someone think it's a good idea to lie to their children like this? Don't give me that shit about it being a good life experience for children to realize not everything is true. You can find a million other examples to show them, without perpetrating a huge falsehood on your own. It's wrong, you know it's wrong, and you will still try to justify it. Because you enjoy, in a sadistic way, the total power you exert over your children. You love playing the propaganda machine and dictator, and threatening them with retribution from a farce you concocted, and watching them squirm. Yet ten years later, you'll be so fucking ignorant as to why your children never listen to you, or trust that what you have to say might be good advice. Well...they may be right.

Lying is wrong, and will have repercussions. Don't buy into this "magical experience" bullshit. You're setting the kids, and yourself, up for a totally unnecessary disappointment. Don't give in to your sick little urge to play god with the helpless, innocent natives.

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Wellington Grey (942717) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354926)

Seriously...at what point does someone think it's a good idea to lie to their children like this?


The problem is the other parents. Try raising a child not to believe in Santa and you will be quickly ostracized by other parents. Plus, you don't think any of those parents are going to let your kid play with theirs when the holidays roll around, do you?

-Grey [wellingtongrey.net]

Re:Zombie tradition (1, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354956)

> The problem is the other parents. Try raising a child not to believe in Santa and you will be quickly ostracized by other parents.
> Plus, you don't think any of those parents are going to let your kid play with theirs when the holidays roll around, do you?

s/Santa/Jesus/g

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Tony Hoyle (11698) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355088)

No problem. Tell them Santa is a game that parents like to play (which it is) and that some kids believe in him.

I think I stopped with the santa stuff myself when I was old enough to read (about 5 or 6) since it was obvious that if santa came he didn't actually leave any presents... they were already there under the tree and they were from my parents, not a guy in a red suit.

And that is the answer... (1)

Belial6 (794905) | more than 7 years ago | (#17356052)

Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. And that is the answer.

Re:Zombie tradition (3, Interesting)

Dirtside (91468) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355004)

We've taken a different tack on Santa Claus than most parents. It resembles your attitude, minus the bitter hostility and swearing. :)

Our son is almost 2.5 years old, and he can already identify Santa Claus as being the fat guy with the beard in the red suit. We haven't told him what Santa Claus (purportedly) is or does; he's simply got a label for the "fat bearded guy in red suit" image now.

We'll answer any questions he asks, truthfully; at most, we're likely to tell him that Santa Claus is someone who travels around each Christmas leaving presents for children, in order to celebrate the Winter Solstice. We're going to leave out the naughty/nice thing (punishments and rewards for bad/good behavior are, it turns out, not a good idea). We're definitely going to leave Jesus out of it (we're atheists), except maybe to explain that that's what certain people believe the winter holiday is about.

My mother-in-law once said that Santa is like a "practice God" for kids to believe in, and I pretty much agree; but I'm not going to pretend he doesn't exist as an entity in our culture, and our son is going to have questions about him.

Re:Zombie tradition (0)

E++99 (880734) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355856)

We'll answer any questions he asks, truthfully; at most, we're likely to tell him that Santa Claus is someone who travels around each Christmas leaving presents for children, in order to celebrate the Winter Solstice.

I'm not sure how answering truthfully equates to saying that Santa exists; but more to the point, why on earth would you lie about what Santa is purported to give gifts in celebration of??? You think he's not going to figure out the truth of that at some point? And wonder why you lied to conceal the existence of Christianity?

We're definitely going to leave Jesus out of it (we're atheists), except maybe to explain that that's what certain people believe the winter holiday is about.

Which winter holiday is that? Oh, you mean CHRISTMAS? Am I following you correctly, that you are going to instruct you child that some people believe that Christmas is about Jesus, but it's really about the winter solstice???

We're going to leave out the naughty/nice thing (punishments and rewards for bad/good behavior are, it turns out, not a good idea).

WWWWOW. Very enlightened. Good luck with the age of three. Self control needs to be taught. It's not automatic. Children learn it primarily through consequences. Those who don't learn it, suffer from its lack for their entire lives. The age of three is the primary time for this to take place. If it's learned then, it's usually just a matter of very occasional reinforcement.

Re:Zombie tradition (0)

reddog093 (986138) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355022)

Well, by looking at it from a different perspective it seems to be more justifiable to support this "lie" to your children. Mainly, the look on your child's face when he opens up a present to see exactly what he wanted. Christmas is a time of family and, for our children, we instill a sense of "magic" to put the children in a wonderous awe. Sure it's a lie, but it's a lie that, for most kids, makes them very very happy. Sure, I was sad when I found out that Santa didn't exist, but hey I got about 9 years of belief when I was younger. I remember trying to stay up all night with my brother to see if we could "catch" Santa and trying to figure the fat guy out. I know when I have kids that I will continue with the tradition. Who knows, maybe I'll even get my kid "An official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time" Plus, it keeps the kids in line for about a month for fear of coal :)

Or would you rather tell your 6 year old that we live in a cold, godless, harsh world where evil and greed runs wild...I'll stick w/ Santa for now. When they find out, they'll get over it.

Re:Zombie tradition (0, Flamebait)

Solder Fumes (797270) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355078)

Christmas is a time of family and, for our children, we instill a sense of "magic" to put the children in a wonderous awe.

Such a revolting cliche, I'm sure you didn't invent it yourself. You yourself are mindlessly repeating the same bullshit that was crammed down your throat at some point. Surely the truth is closer to: Christmas is my vacation time and, for our own purposes, we lie to instill a sense of "fear" to get the little bastards to sit still once in a fucking minute.

Or would you rather tell your 6 year old that we live in a cold, godless, harsh world where evil and greed runs wild.

More like, at this point, you're trapped in your own lie and will procrastinate telling the kids you've been lying to them. You can't escape that eventuality. The stress must really be killing you. But then again, you get to use your advantage in years and intelligence to play mind games with them, isn't that fun?

Re:Zombie tradition (3, Insightful)

Tony Hoyle (11698) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355114)

Or would you rather tell your 6 year old that we live in a cold, godless, harsh world where evil and greed runs wild...I'll stick w/ Santa for now. When they find out, they'll get over it.

No I'd rather tell a 6 year old that that people care about each other enough to give each other presents.. proving that greed doesn't have to run wild unless you let it.

OTOH you can tell him about a guy in a red suit who gives children exactly what they want on demand, and turn them into greedy consumers before they're 8.

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

reddog093 (986138) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355192)

OTOH you can tell him about a guy in a red suit who gives children exactly what they want on demand, and turn them into greedy consumers before they're 8.
Touché :)

Re:Zombie tradition (2, Interesting)

kfg (145172) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355050)

Seriously...at what point does someone think it's a good idea to lie to their children like this?

And then wonder why their kids don't believe a word they say when they're a bit older.

Frankly I've always found the myth of people exchanging gifts out of love and kindness for each other far more asthetically pleasing than some fat guy trying to stuff himself down the chimmney, even if just as mythological.

KFG

Re:Zombie tradition (0)

Ctrl-Z (28806) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355162)

Sorry, but Santa Claus does exist. Sure, there isn't really a fat man in a red suit with flying reindeer. That icon is just a personification of the Christmas spirit. What he symbolizes most certainly does exist. At least it does for me. As far as I'm concerned, Santa Claus is inside of everyone. Except maybe cynical folks like yourself.

Re:Zombie tradition (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355276)

> As far as I'm concerned, Santa Claus is inside of everyone. Except maybe cynical folks like yourself.

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."
  - G. B. Shaw

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Trillan (597339) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355300)

The Santa people present to their children is not only not the personification of the Christmas spirit, but is counter to it. Part of the myth is that Santa delivers presents to good children only, and lumps of coal to the bad. If you carry this to the extreme, it means that if you do something really bad on December 25th, it means that a year later you get no present, and nothing you can do in that year will make any difference. Is the Christmas spirit that judgmental? Do you really think the personification of that spirit should be judgmental?

No, but... (1)

Belial6 (794905) | more than 7 years ago | (#17356070)

No, but it does prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that rich people are good and poor people are bad. Just look at how much more and better stuff the rich kids get.

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Zzeep (682115) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355204)

I couldn't agree more. More important, it is stupid to think that children enjoy it more when they think Santa Claus is real. We live in the Netherlands, so Sinterklaas is celebrated here more than Santa Clause. While most of the little children think Sinterklaas is real, I always told my kids that Sinterklaas isn't real. Yes, there was a bishop several hundred years ago that did good things, so we are celebrating his birthday, but Sinterklaas doesn't exist anymore now. Do they sing Sinterklaas songs less loud than other kids? No! Do they enjoy Sinterklaas less than other kids? No, I think the opposite. A lot of kids are afraid of Sinterklaas, my kids aren't, because they know it is just a guy in a costume. They also don't believe in the tooth fairy or easter bunny, like they also don't think little red riding hood is actually running around in the forest, and they know that if you kiss a frog, it won't turn into a prince or princess.

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Coucho (1039182) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355210)

It sounds like you didn't get enough love from mommy and daddy at a young age.

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Trillan (597339) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355280)

Completely agree with you. If our kids can't trust us to tell them the truth about Santa, what can they trust us with? Do parents who lie to their kids really think there are no consequences when the kid finds out?

Re:Zombie tradition (2, Insightful)

localman (111171) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355372)

Wow, that's a pretty harsh reaction. I'm not a fan of lying to kids either, but I think you're forgetting some of what it's like to be a kid. I sure didn't take it like you're describing.

I don't actually recall my parents making a big story out of Santa; I think I learned most of the story from books like "The Night Before Christmas", various television specials, and talking with friends. Like most kids, fantasy blends with reality to a large degree and my world included lots of make believe. I didn't even really think about whether it was "real" or not until I was in the second grade. Up until that point Santa was in the same category to me as Big Bird on Sesame Street, my lego cars being real cars, and my teddy bear having feelings. These fantasies are all exploratory for a child, and I sure as heck wouldn't have wanted parents who blasted me with reality every time I brought them up. As it was they played along.

When a friend finally told me that Santa wasn't real, I was skeptical, but also realized that he might be right. I went home to my parents and they told me the truth (as they understood it): there was no more Santa, but it was a tradition of giving that was started by some old fellow St. Nicholas, and that what was important was the spirit of Santa Claus. Not the mystical spirit, but the spirit of giving to each other, particularly those in need. My young mind thought about it, and I think it was a perfectly reasonable growing experience. I didn't have any resentment towards my parents.

So I agree with you that lying to your kids is bad. But there is make believe play that is important for child development and Santa Claus seems a perfectly reasonable part of that. I've known people who had realistic and unplayful parents and they seem to have more resentment than I do. Think about it.

Happy holidays.

Re:Zombie tradition (3, Insightful)

Soko (17987) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355378)

Seriously...at what point does someone think it's a good idea to lie to their children like this? Don't give me that shit about it being a good life experience for children to realize not everything is true. You can find a million other examples to show them, without perpetrating a huge falsehood on your own. It's wrong, you know it's wrong, and you will still try to justify it. Because you enjoy, in a sadistic way, the total power you exert over your children. You love playing the propaganda machine and dictator, and threatening them with retribution from a farce you concocted, and watching them squirm. Yet ten years later, you'll be so fucking ignorant as to why your children never listen to you, or trust that what you have to say might be good advice. Well...they may be right.

Have issues with our parents, do we? I haven't heard such vitriol in quite some time. Power? Sadism? Please put down the broad brush you're painting with. It's filled with venom.

It's not a lie - it's a fantasy. It's an opportunity to experience innocence before it is too quickly gone. I didn't lie to my kids - they knew early on that Santa wasn't a real person, but even after they knew, they still played along because it was fun. Fun for them, fun for us. How am I being a dictator doing that?

I hope you can let go of some of your anger before you have your own kids, friend, lest they be immune to the spirit that St. Nick is supposed to represent - giving, sharing and caring for our fellow humans.

Soko

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Trillan (597339) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355396)

Although I agree about the anger, "it isn't lie, it's fantasy" doesn't help. The difference between a lie and a fantasy is that people know that fantasy isn't true. If your kid knows the truth, there's no harm in sharing the fantasy. If your kid doesn't know the truth, it's a lie.

Re:Zombie tradition (1)

Trillan (597339) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355408)

Oops. Came across a bit wrong there. If I could edit my post, I'd add this to the end of that post: You are playing it as a fantasy. That's exactly how I plan to do it with my son. But I think "fantasy" is also too broad a brush to paint everyone with. It's clearly a lie for some.

Re:Zombie tradition (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355514)

;) Probably the same that play WoW for days....

Forget Santa... (0, Offtopic)

creimer (824291) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354850)

What's the deal with the Easter Bunny and eggs?

Re:Forget Santa... (1)

Tablizer (95088) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355184)

What's the deal with the Easter Bunny and eggs?

That is how they grow and hatch elves. Elves cannot grow in cold climates so they put elf eggs all over warm suburban yards where little kids find them and break them open when they are ripe. Then the 4th of July scares the elves back to the North Pole. Like dogs, they hate loud sounds. It's all part of Krebb's Holiday Cycle.

(Yeah, I know, my kids are gonna be F'd up. That is my revenge for them trashing my music equipment and losing the TV remote control.)
       

Re:Forget Santa... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355376)

I'd be careful. Because their revenge for your revenge will be to put you in the cheapest retirement home that's ever been featured on a 60 Minutes Elderly Abuse Special :)

All I know (1)

shawn443 (882648) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354878)

Is that the first time one of my boys asks me if Santa is real, I will confirm his suspicion. If I play cute, and my boy goes on the playground saying "My dad says Santa is real!", I am doing neither of us a favor. I will also threaten him not to tell is little brother. Santa is easy, I imagine when they starting asking me the same questions I have about God.

Well (1)

doomy (7461) | more than 7 years ago | (#17354908)

I don't believe Santa exists.

Santa also knows your income. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17354980)

Which is why poor kids get Sweet F.A.

Not scientific (2, Funny)

LGagnon (762015) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355080)

This article seems quite preposterous. As Richard Dawkins points out, belief in Santa is unscientific. [mcsweeneys.net]

Re:Not scientific (1)

Tony Hoyle (11698) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355140)

No shit batman. Of course it's unscientific. So is caring about your family, eating turkey, giving to charity.. millions of things are unscientific. Doesn't make them bad. Not everything has to be about science.

Re:Not scientific (1)

LGagnon (762015) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355504)

Check the link. I was making a joke based on the parody of Dawkins in the link.

Santa has kept up with the times (1)

istartedi (132515) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355130)

Oh come on. Everybody knows that Santa has kept up with the times. The sleigh and reindeer were used at first. At the dawn of the industrial revolution he switched most of his distribution network to rail. Hence the recurring motif of toy trains as a present--they were tchachkis(sp?) that rail executives gave ol Nic when they were competing for his business. He re-gifted a lot of them, the kids turned out to like them, and the idea got traction. The sleigh does, and continues, to make "good will" tours and show up in various random locations; but Santa contracts most of the delivery out to UPS and Fedex, and the list is maintained by a peer-reviewed volunteer staff who also maintain the "naughty or nice" database. I think it uses MySQL. Santa is up on all the latest tech. He ain't no Luddite, so sleep in heavenly peace tonight. Christmas will come.

Re:Santa has kept up with the times (1)

Tony Hoyle (11698) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355166)

Santa uses MYSQL? Oh god, we're screwed.

I'm sure there's a... (1)

Tablizer (95088) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355144)

...beowulf cluster involved somehow!

National Santa (1)

wayward_bruce (988607) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355164)

Silverberg is not so naïve as to think that Santa and his reindeer can travel approximately 200 million square miles - making stops in some 80 million homes - in one night. Instead, he posits that Santa uses his knowledge of the space/time continuum to form what Silverberg calls "relativity clouds."
Ho ho ho, this Santa seems to care only about American kids. USA != World. For the last time.

Re:National Santa (1)

Tony Hoyle (11698) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355186)

It seems to me someone capable of manufacturing stuff with no raw materials and going that fast could do something worthwhile with it rather than giving rich kids more junk that they don't need (he doesn't visit poor kids. Gotta keep the workers down y'know).

Santa is a selfish bastard really.

Hell, even Bill Gates manages to give to charity... what has Santa ever done?

Tom Servo explains (1)

jeffkjo1 (663413) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355176)

Mystery Science Theater explains Santa Better than anyone:

Tom: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight, because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the porthole, offering me a Coke and a smile... (gradually becoming upset) ...of course, his cheeks WOULD be rosy because it's a VACUUM out there! I mean, Santa's HEART would explode! (becoming hysterical) But HE wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers (Joel tries to calm him down) due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper...OH THE HUMANITY!! (Now both Joel and Crow are trying to calm him down.) And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER--OH THE REINDEER!!!--keep bloating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails! Prancer--BOOM! Dancer--BOOM!...
Joel: HEY!
Crow: Tom!
Joel: Tom, take it easy! Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom: Phew, what a relief!

I have four words for you: (5, Funny)

TeknoHog (164938) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355338)

Rudolph the Red-shift Reindeer.

Logic of Santa (1)

archeopterix (594938) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355352)

I prefer a much stronger, purely logical proof that Santa exists, which I read in a respected mathematical journal a few years ago. We will prove that Santa exists by proving a stronger statement, namely that an existing Santa exists. Clearly, exactly one of the following holds true:
a) Existing Santa exists.
b) Existing Santa does not exist.
Consider b. It is a contradiction, so it is false. Then a) must be true, therefore existing Santa exists, therefore Santa exists. QED.

its all lies (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 7 years ago | (#17355602)

santas bag is just like dr whos tartis - bigger on the inside than the outside.

Santa Claus WTF ???? (0, Troll)

eyeb1 (522766) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355866)

anything to perpetuate this Bull Shit holiday ..

" the retail holiday sales season still is extremely important to retailers. It can account for up to 40% of annual sales but more importantly up to 75% of all profit. "

BUY .. BUY ..

I wonder what jesus thinks of the christian worlds way .. of celebrating and honoring the reported day of his birth ..

and why anybody wonders .. why some in the muslim world want to destroy the christian and jewish infidels .. for hum the christmas and other holidays are a year round reason for shopping and self gratification .. as apposed to a day of prayer and worship ..

and who talk of the spirit of peace and brotherhood but one day a year .. otherwise it's business as usual .. ME ME first .. shopping and WAR=We Are Right ..

consumer capitalism the biggest cause and reason for WAR=We Are Right ..

money .. money ..

I Thought Santa Was Dead! (1)

Master of Transhuman (597628) | more than 7 years ago | (#17355884)

Lobo - "Hit Man to the Stars" - was contracted by the Easter Bunny to hit Santa. Lobo killed Santa after invading Santa's heavily defended compound along with his bulldog.

Lobo and the bulldog slaughtered the heavily armed (with pop guns) ELF (Elf Lethal Force) militia, then Lobo called Santa out. Santa, appearing as a burly, cigar-smoking, tattooed biker, whipped out a kukri, whereupon Lobo followed suit, and it was on. Both sides got in a few licks until Lobo chopped off Santa's head.

Afterwards, Lobo took over the advanced manufacturing facility and converted it to making nuclear and chemical weapons.

So anything you get from "Santa" tonight is likely to make you - and the rest of your town - glow in the dark.

George Bush, informed of the nuclear capability of the North Pole, has dismissed the threat, saying "Lobo is not a Shiite - or a Sunni - or whatever that religion is."
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