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Bionic Hand Makes it to Market

Zonk posted more than 6 years ago | from the we-have-the-technology dept.

159

root_42 writes "The BBC reports that a Scottish company has developed a bionic prosthetic hand, which is now going to market: 'The thumb and fingers can move and grip just like a human hand and are controlled by the patient's mind and muscles ... Mr Gow, who is the director of rehabilitation engineering services at NHS Lothian, told the BBC's Good Morning Scotland programme: "It's the first hand to come to the market that's actually had bending fingers just like your own hand."' The device really seems very "cool", compared to other prosthetics, and seems to allow the patients a wide variety of day-to-day activities. Also check out the patient gallery."

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FIST SPORT (1, Offtopic)

ringbarer (545020) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888753)

Inhale.

Take in as much air as you can. This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was 13 years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkout counter, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.

So my friend, he buys milk and eggs and sugar and a carrot, all the ingredients for a carrot cake. And Vaseline.

Like he's going home to stick a carrot cake up his butt.

At home, he whittles the carrot into a blunt tool. He slathers it with grease and grinds his ass down on it. Then, nothing. No orgasm. Nothing happens except it hurts.

Then, this kid, his mom yells it's supper time. She says to come down, right now.

He works the carrot out and stashes the slippery, filthy thing in the dirty clothes under his bed.

After dinner, he goes to find the carrot, and it's gone. All his dirty clothes, while he ate dinner, his mom grabbed them all to do laundry. No way could she not find the carrot, carefully shaped with a paring knife from her kitchen, still shiny with lube and stinky.

This friend of mine, he waits months under a black cloud, waiting for his folks to confront him. And they never do. Ever. Even now that he's grown up, that invisible carrot hangs over every Christmas dinner, every birthday party. Every Easter egg hunt with his kids, his parents' grandkids, that ghost carrot is hovering over all of them. That something too awful to name.

People in France have a phrase: "staircase wit." In French: esprit de l'escalier. It means that moment when you find the answer, but it's too late. Say you're at a party and someone insults you. You have to say something. So under pressure, with everybody watching, you say something lame. But the moment you leave the party....

As you start down the stairway, then-magic. You come up with the perfect thing you should've said. The perfect crippling put-down.

That's the spirit of the stairway.

The trouble is, even the French don't have a phrase for the stupid things you actually do say under pressure. Those stupid, desperate things you actually think or do.

Some deeds are too low to even get a name. Too low to even get talked about.

Looking back, kid-psych experts, school counselors now say that most of the last peak in teen suicide was kids trying to choke while they beat off. Their folks would find them, a towel twisted around their kid's neck, the towel tied to the rod in their bedroom closet, the kid dead. Dead sperm everywhere. Of course the folks cleaned up. They put some pants on their kid. They made it look ... better. Intentional at least. The regular kind of sad teen suicide.

Another friend of mine, a kid from school, his older brother in the Navy said how guys in the Middle East jack off different than we do here. This brother was stationed in some camel country where the public market sells what could be fancy letter openers. Each fancy tool is just a thin rod of polished brass or silver, maybe as long as your hand, with a big tip at one end, either a big metal ball or the kind of fancy carved handle you'd see on a sword. This Navy brother says how Arab guys get their dick hard and then insert this metal rod inside the whole length of their boner. They jack off with the rod inside, and it makes getting off so much better. More intense.

It's this big brother who travels around the world, sending back French phrases. Russian phrases. Helpful jack-off tips.

After this, the little brother, one day he doesn't show up at school. That night, he calls to ask if I'll pick up his homework for the next couple weeks. Because he's in the hospital.

He's got to share a room with old people getting their guts worked on. He says how they all have to share the same television. All he's got for privacy is a curtain. His folks don't come and visit. On the phone, he says how right now his folks could just kill his big brother in the Navy.

On the phone, the kid says how-the day before-he was just a little stoned. At home in his bedroom, he was flopped on the bed. He was lighting a candle and flipping through some old porno magazines, getting ready to beat off. This is after he's heard from his Navy brother. That helpful hint about how Arabs beat off. The kid looks around for something that might do the job. A ballpoint pen's too big. A pencil's too big and rough. But dripped down the side of the candle, there's a thin, smooth ridge of wax that just might work. With just the tip of one finger, this kid snaps the long ridge of wax off the candle. He rolls it smooth between the palms of his hands. Long and smooth and thin.

Stoned and horny, he slips it down inside, deeper and deeper into the piss slit of his boner. With a good hank of the wax still poking out the top, he gets to work.

Even now, he says those Arab guys are pretty damn smart. They've totally reinvented jacking off. Flat on his back in bed, things are getting so good, this kid can't keep track of the wax. He's one good squeeze from shooting his wad when the wax isn't sticking out anymore.

The thin wax rod, it's slipped inside. All the way inside. So deep inside he can't even feel the lump of it inside his piss tube.

From downstairs, his mom shouts it's supper time. She says to come down, right now. This wax kid and the carrot kid are different people, but we all live pretty much the same life.

It's after dinner when the kid's guts start to hurt. It's wax, so he figured it would just melt inside him and he'd pee it out. Now his back hurts. His kidneys. He can't stand straight.

This kid talking on the phone from his hospital bed, in the background you can hear bells ding, people screaming. Game shows.

The X-rays show the truth, something long and thin, bent double inside his bladder. This long, thin V inside him, it's collecting all the minerals in his piss. It's getting bigger and rougher, coated with crystals of calcium, it's bumping around, ripping up the soft lining of his bladder, blocking his piss from getting out. His kidneys are backed up. What little that leaks out his dick is red with blood.

This kid and his folks, his whole family, them looking at the black X-ray with the doctor and the nurses standing there, the big V of wax glowing white for everybody to see, he has to tell the truth. The way Arabs get off. What his big brother wrote him from the Navy.

On the phone, right now, he starts to cry.

They paid for the bladder operation with his college fund. One stupid mistake, and now he'll never be a lawyer.

Sticking stuff inside yourself. Sticking yourself inside stuff. A candle in your dick or your head in a noose, we knew it was going to be big trouble.

What got me in trouble, I called it Pearl Diving. This meant whacking off underwater, sitting on the bottom at the deep end of my parents' swimming pool. With one deep breath, I'd kick my way to the bottom and slip off my swim trucks. I'd sit down there for two, three, four minutes.

Just from jacking off I had huge lung capacity. If I had the house to myself, I'd do this all afternoon. After I'd finally pump out my stuff, my sperm, it would hang there in big, fat, milky gobs.

After that was more diving, to catch it all. To collect it and wipe each handful in a towel. That's why it was called Pearl Diving. Even with chlorine, there was my sister to worry about. Or, Christ almighty, my mom.

That used to be my worst fear in the world: my teenage virgin sister, thinking she's just getting fat, then giving birth to a two-headed, retard baby. Both heads looking just like me. Me, the father and the uncle. In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

The best part of Pearl Diving was the inlet port for the swimming pool filter and the circulation pump. The best part was getting naked and sitting on it.

As the French would say, Who doesn't like getting their butt sucked? Still, one minute you're just a kid getting off, and the next minute you'll never be a lawyer.

One minute I'm settling on the pool bottom and the sky is wavy, light blue through eight feet of water above my head. The world is silent except for the heartbeat in my ears. My yellowstriped swim trunks are looped around my neck for safe keeping, just in case a friend, a neighbor, anybody shows up to ask why I skipped football practice. The steady suck of the pool inlet hole is lapping at me and I'm grinding my skinny white ass around on that feeling.

One minute I've got enough air and my dick's in my hand. My folks are gone at their work and my sister's got ballet. Nobody's supposed to be home for hours.

My hand brings me right to getting off, and I stop. I swim up to catch another big breath. I dive down and settle on the bottom.

I do this again and again.

This must be why girls want to sit on your face. The suction is like taking a dump that never ends. My dick hard and getting my butt eaten out, I do not need air. My heartbeat in my ears, I stay under until bright stars of light start worming around in my eyes. My legs straight out, the back of each knee rubbed raw against the concrete bottom. My toes are turning blue, my toes and fingers wrinkled from being so long in the water.

And then I let it happen. The big white gobs start spouting. The pearls. It's then I need some air. But when I go to kick off against the bottom, I can't. I can't get my feet under me. My ass is stuck.

Emergency paramedics will tell you that every year about 150 people get stuck this way, sucked by a circulation pump. Get your long hair caught, or your ass, and you're going to drown. Every year, tons of people do. Most of them in Florida.

People just don't talk about it. Not even French people talk about everything. Getting one knee up, getting one foot tucked under me, I get to half standing when I feel the tug against my butt. Getting my other foot under me, I kick off against the bottom. I'm kicking free, not touching the concrete, but not getting to the air, either.

Still kicking water, thrashing with both arms, I'm maybe halfway to the surface but not going higher. The heartbeat inside my head getting loud and fast.

The bright sparks of light crossing and crisscrossing my eyes, I turn and look back ... but it doesn't make sense. This thick rope, some kind of snake, bluewhite and braided with veins, has come up out of the pool drain and it's holding on to my butt. Some of the veins are leaking blood, red blood that looks black underwater and drifts away from little rips in the pale skin of the snake. The blood trails away, disappearing in the water, and inside the snake's thin, bluewhite skin you can see lumps of some half-digested meal.

That's the only way this makes sense. Some horrible sea monster, a sea serpent, something that's never seen the light of day, it's been hiding in the dark bottom of the pool drain, waiting to eat me.

So ...I kick at it, at the slippery, rubbery knotted skin and veins of it, and more of it seems to pull out of the pool drain. It's maybe as long as my leg now, but still holding tight around my butthole. With another kick, I'm an inch closer to getting another breath. Still feeling the snake tug at my ass, I'm an inch closer to my escape.

Knotted inside the snake, you can see corn and peanuts. You can see a long bright-orange ball. It's the kind of horsepill vitamin my dad makes me take, to help put on weight. To get a football scholarship. With extra iron and omegathree fatty acids.

It's seeing that vitamin pill that saves my life.

It's not a snake. It's my large intestine, my colon pulled out of me. What doctors call prolapsed. It's my guts sucked into the drain.

Paramedics will tell you a swimming pool pump pulls 80 gallons of water every minute. That's about 400 pounds of pressure. The big problem is we're all connected together inside. Your ass is just the far end of your mouth. If I let go, the pump keeps working-unraveling my insides-until it's got my tongue. Imagine taking a 400-pound shit and you can see how this might turn you inside out.

What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctors call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin, runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.

That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unraveling out my ass, me holding on to what's left, even then my first want is to somehow get my swimsuit back on.

God forbid my folks see my dick.

My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellowstriped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.

You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lambskin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.

A lambskin condom, that's just plain old intestine.

You can see what I'm up against.

You let go for a second and you're gutted.

You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.

You don't swim and you drown.

It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.

What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football scholarship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.

Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen telephone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellowstriped swim trunks.

What even the French won't talk about.

That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say, "I need that like I need a hole in my head...," Russian people say, "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole......

Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse.

Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.

Hell... even if you're Russian, someday you just might want those teeth.

Otherwise, what you have to do is you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.

It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night. If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.

It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trouble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my mom got scared. And said "You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near. The license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare. But I thought "nah forget it, yo Holmes, to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight. And I yelled to the cabby "yo Holmes, smell you later". Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me....

I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.

Nowadays, people always tell me I look too skinny. People at dinner parties get all quiet and pissed off when I don't eat the pot roast they cooked. Pot roast kills me. Baked ham. Anything that hangs around inside my guts for longer than a couple of hours, it comes out still food. Home-cooked lima beans or chunk light tuna fish, I'll stand up and find it still sitting there in the toilet.

After you have a radical bowel resectioning, you don't digest meat so great. Most people, you have five feet of large intestine. I'm lucky to have my six inches. So I never got a football scholarship. Never got an MBA. Both my friends, the wax kid and the carrot kid, they grew up, got big, but I've never weighed a pound more than I did that day when I was 13.

Another big problem was my folks paid a lot of good money for that swimming pool. In the end my dad just told the pool guy it was a dog. The family dog fell in and drowned. The dead body got pulled into the pump. Even when the pool guy cracked open the filter casing and fished out a rubbery tube, a watery hank of intestine with a big orange vitamin pill still inside, even then my dad just said, "That dog was fucking nuts."

Even from my upstairs bedroom window, you could hear my dad say, "We couldn't trust that dog alone for a second...."

Then my sister missed her period.

Even after they changed the pool water, after they sold the house and we moved to another state, after my sister's abortion, even then my folks never mentioned it again.

Ever.

That is our invisible carrot.

You. Now you can take a good, deep breath.

I still have not.

Re:FIST SPORT (2, Funny)

jollyreaper (513215) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889141)

Inhale.

Take in as much air as you can. This story should last about as long as you can hold your breath, and then just a little bit longer. So listen as fast as you can.

A friend of mine, when he was 13 years old he heard about "pegging." This is when a guy gets banged up the butt with a dildo. Stimulate the prostate gland hard enough, and the rumor is you can have explosive hands-free orgasms. At that age, this friend's a little sex maniac. He's always jonesing for a better way to get his rocks off. He goes out to buy a carrot and some petroleum jelly. To conduct a little private research. Then he pictures how it's going to look at the supermarket checkout counter, the lonely carrot and petroleum jelly rolling down the conveyer belt toward the grocery store cashier. All the shoppers waiting in line, watching. Everyone seeing the big evening he has planned.
It's nice to see that John Katz is still contributing.

Re:FIST SPORT (2, Informative)

Tyler Durden (136036) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889281)

It's nice to see that John Katz is still contributing.

More like someone copying and pasting the story "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk (author of "Fight Club"). Supposedly some people faint when listening to him perform readings of it. I have no idea why the GP posted it here, though.

Re:FIST SPORT (1)

jollyreaper (513215) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889353)

More like someone copying and pasting the story "Guts" by Chuck Palahniuk (author of "Fight Club"). Supposedly some people faint when listening to him perform readings of it.
Can you imagine that piece ever getting committed to celluloid? "The first rule of the invisible carrot is we do not talk about the invisible carrot!" I think it would take a David Lynch to direct it.

Hmmmm (5, Funny)

alexj33 (968322) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888763)

The important question is: does it come in shiny brass color, and can it hold a lightsaber?

Re:Hmmmm (2, Funny)

Red Weasel (166333) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889121)

I was more leaning toward a retractable spur and an integrated smart-link.

Now we just need a violin player and well be all set.

Two words: (4, Interesting)

ringfinger (629332) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889137)

"Awesome Attachments!"


I can't imagine making something like this without attachments that extend it's use beyond that of the human hand.

The goal shouldn't be to replace a hand, it should be to provide something much cooler.

Re:Two words: (2, Insightful)

TigerNut (718742) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889369)

Better think way out of the box then. We have about a zillion things that are designed to be gripped and operated by a person's hand(s). Removing that interface requires that you adapt all those tools to be compatible with the next physical interface point (such as the elbow or shoulder?), as well as figuring out a logical control scheme that is as intuitive as what everyone is familiar with. Direct neural control of an angle grinder, for example, isn't very compelling to me. If you had a hand with hardwired GPS (as another example) then you'd have to map its control functions into something that the user could learn, and it would have to use the arm nerves as the interface... and they're normally only used to position the fingers and relay back touch and hot/cold/pain sensations. An interesting problem but just because you can, doesn't always mean that you should.

Re:Two words: (3, Interesting)

SatanicPuppy (611928) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890277)

It's surprising how your brain adapts to process different types of nerve input. Like, if your prosthetic hand always gave you the sensation of cold when you pointed it in a northern direction, or the sensation of heat whenever you passed it near a "live" electrical source, or a strong magnetic field. They've got a device that allows you to "see" with your tongue [bbc.co.uk] , and brain scans of the people using the device show that the visual cortext is active and processing...even in people who are blind from birth.

So a limited signal palette is not necessarily a handicap, though the bandwidth obviously depends on nerve density, etc.

Re:Two words: (3, Funny)

hey! (33014) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890333)

Great. Instead of cursing because you can't find you box of drill bits, you can curse because you can't find your fingers.

Imagine having to walk around all day with your "ribbed for her pleasure" attachment.

No, the important question is.... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889261)

will it blend?

Re:No, the important question is.... (1)

AgentSmith (69695) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889447)

I beg to differ. We should be asking the Dave Letterman question:

Will it float?

Re:Hmmmm (1)

orielbean (936271) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890453)

I am far more impressed that it got all the way to the market by itself, without a foot or wheel or anything.

No Longer Will I Live in Fear (4, Funny)

eldavojohn (898314) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888769)

Finally, I will no longer live in fear of being introduced to counts [runleiarun.com] , those cute lovable jawas [runleiarun.com] , having a drink at the Cantina [runleiarun.com] , bringing prey [runleiarun.com] back to my cave [runleiarun.com] , being reunited with my father [runleiarun.com] or vice versa [runleiarun.com] !

Yes sir, I can now tell the next robed guy where to shove it when I'm told his aren't the droids I'm looking for.

How Star Wars should have ended (1)

Spy der Mann (805235) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889053)

(a little off-topic, but...)

Ben: These aren't the droids you're looking for (waves hand).
Officer (grabbing his chin): Hmmm, no, they're not, but they look.... close enough (I'll get a good bounty for them). "ARREST THEM!"

THE END

Cost? (3, Insightful)

u-bend (1095729) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888793)

Anyone know anything about the cost of these things? The cynic in me is imagining lawyers feverishly rewriting health insurance coverage clauses. I hope that as it becomes widespread, that "joe war-amputee" can afford it.

Cost (2, Funny)

bdjacobson (1094909) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888937)

Anyone know anything about the cost of these things? The cynic in me is imagining lawyers feverishly rewriting health insurance coverage clauses. I hope that as it becomes widespread, that "joe war-amputee" can afford it.
Just a ballpark figure--

My friend's bionic arm cost him ~$45k. I don't think his can move individual fingers though. So this one could cost even more.

Re:Cost? (1)

FinchWorld (845331) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889159)

Oh no, I can almost hear thousands of keyboards around the world furiously typing "Arm and a Leg" jokes. You've opened the floodgate now!

Re:Cost? (1)

Politburo (640618) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890429)

They won't have to rewrite anything. They'll just call it 'experimental' and deny coverage. Check out the last paragraph:

Mr Gow, who works at a new state-of-the-art centre at the Astley Ainsley Hospital in Edinburgh, hopes the bionic hand could be available on the health service within two to five years.

6 million dollars? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19890501)

N/T

But will it make them better Jedi? (0)

haplo21112 (184264) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888825)

Luke, loosing a hand runs strong in our family, join your fake and with mine and together we will rule the Galaxy. Well Unless we get to close to a microwave or something then we will just jerk out hands spasmotically.

Re:But will it make them better Jedi? (1)

jollyreaper (513215) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889429)

Luke, loosing a hand runs strong in our family, join your fake and with mine and together we will rule the Galaxy. Well Unless we get to close to a microwave or something then we will just jerk out hands spasmotically.
(looks down at bionic hand, looks at microwave, slips hand in pants, puts microwave on for five minutes) Giggity-giggity-goo!

Feedback or Senses? (4, Interesting)

tb3 (313150) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888829)

It sounds from the article ("Now I can pick up a Styrofoam cup without crushing it. With my other hand, I would really have to concentrate on how much pressure I was putting on the cup.") that there's some form of feedback mechanism, but I thought that was years away. Without pressure sensors, a you really have is a 'Waldo' attached to your wrist, you've got no way of knowing how much force you're exerting on an object.

Then, of course, you really want the rest of the sensory package, touch, temperature, pain feedback, and all the other things your hands do for you.

Re:Feedback or Senses? (1)

morgan_greywolf (835522) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889441)

Then, of course, you really want the rest of the sensory package, touch, temperature, pain feedback, and all the other things your hands do for you.


Be careful. This is Slashdot, after all. Unless they start making bionic penises ...

Re:Feedback or Senses? (4, Funny)

jollyreaper (513215) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889487)

"Now I can pick up a Styrofoam cup without crushing it. With my other hand, I would really have to concentrate on how much pressure I was putting on the cup."
A bionic hand that cannot crush a styrofoam cup? Worthless! I want one that can crush coal into diamonds! I just need to remember to use the other hand for, well, you know...I don't know what gonads turn into when you crush them with 500 tons of pressure and I don't want to find out.

Re:Feedback or Senses? (1)

jzeejunk (878194) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889861)

if you are crushing gon ads, i don't think you are doing it the right way ... but then this is slashdot

Re:Feedback or Senses? (3, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889921)

I don't know what gonads turn into when you crush them with 500 tons of pressure and I don't want to find out.
Well, since we're all ultimately carbon based lifeforms, they'll probably turn into smaller diamonds with interesting impurities. Or, as in your case, a pair of very very small diamonds.

Re:Feedback or Senses? (1)

pragma_x (644215) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889633)

IIRC, there are proshtetics available with tactile feedback - so I think you're right about the styrofoam cup thing. I wouldn't be suprised if that's pretty much a standard part of the package with something this advanced.

But you'd think they could at least wire up some temperature feedback with some peltiers or something.

Oh God (0, Insightful)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19888831)

I'm already shuddering at the thought of the comments about to befall this story.

Re:Oh God (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889155)

Like how this will make masturbation seem more like a hand-job from someone else?

All nerds think alike? (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889615)

Funny. The first thing I thought of when I saw Lindsay in the patient pictures was "bionic handjob...."

Yeah. Welcome to slashdot....

But... (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19888841)

does it make that cool "na na na na na na" sound like Steve Austin's bionic implants made?

Use for non-organic manipulation (3, Interesting)

dada21 (163177) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888845)

I have a mentally retarded brother-in-law who has hands we call "the grips of steel." He's mentally like a 2 year old but physically like a 25 year old in great shape. When he grips onto you, he can break bones, and leave a bruise at the minimum. It's impossible to get out of his kung-fu grip, so we don't hold his hand anymore but his wrist.

I always think of prosthetic hands when I have to help him into or out of a car or down steps. If the hand doesn't respond to the user, or if the user has a bad mental reaction, I wonder how much force can be applied by the prosthetic. Car windows aren't supposed to choke you if they're closed around your neck, but a prosthetic hand has to have the right balance of strength AND speed. What is the back-up release mechanism if there's a problem?

Re:Use for non-organic manipulation (1)

phantomfive (622387) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889109)

Check out the pictures, [touchbionics.com] man. While I see you have a point, if I were missing a hand, I would be totally overjoyed to get one of these. There is a picture of a person using a blackberry. It is sensitive enough to pick up a Styrofoam cup without crushing it. Sure there MIGHT be some weird defect that MIGHT make it go crazy and MIGHT get someone hurt, but I've had weird defects where I accidentally slammed the door in my brother's face. He got pretty hurt. By and large this is a massive improvement, especially since there were already other bionic hands (not nearly as good) available which could potentially have the same problem. Of course I know you were just being a good engineer and looking for the drawbacks, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents.
--
Looking to trade in your girlfriend? Now you can!! [usedgirlfriend.com]

Re:Use for non-organic manipulation (1)

suv4x4 (956391) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889227)

Car windows aren't supposed to choke you if they're closed around your neck, but a prosthetic hand has to have the right balance of strength AND speed. What is the back-up release mechanism if there's a problem?

So it's technically a weapon that could malfunction in the right circumstances.. I wonder if he should leave his hand at the reception before entering a bank or a bar.

However given that this thing is supposed to be useful for casual activity, for extended periods of time, mobile, I doubt it has huge horse power built into it, for the same reason your phone doesn't have quad Xeon in it.

Re:Use for non-organic manipulation (1)

multipartmixed (163409) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890303)

> I doubt it has huge horse power built into it, for the same
> reason your phone doesn't have quad Xeon in it.

Because it might burn his penis?

No, wait, you said Xeon, I was thinking Pentium IV. Never mind.

Nice (2, Funny)

suv4x4 (956391) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888849)

This makes Terminator's job in Judgement Day harder: peeling off your hand no longer means you're a killer robot from the distopian future.

Wow (4, Insightful)

lancelotlink (958750) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888859)

These people look really happy. I'm so excited for them. To have regained this much manipulation is amazing. Best of luck for these patients and this company

Scotland is more than Bagpies and Tartan (1)

blowdog (993153) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888863)

Sorry the stereotype Scotland really annoys me. No matter where it was developed this a great development that will help many many people. "Bionic Hand" Made in Scotland :)

Re:Scotland is more than Bagpies and Tartan (1)

iknownuttin (1099999) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888941)

Sorry the stereotype Scotland really annoys me. No matter where it was developed this a great development that will help many many people. "Bionic Hand" Made in Scotland :)

How could you not mention Scotch?!? And I mean real Scotch; not the crap named after colors and owned by an English conglomerate.

Re:Scotland is more than Bagpies and Tartan (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19888991)

Aye, laddie!! You canna forget about golf!!

Re:Scotland is more than Bagpies and Tartan (1)

phantomfive (622387) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889151)

Scotland is more than Bagpipes and Tartans
True, there's also haggis. Good stuff.
--
Looking to trade in your girlfriend? Now you can!! [usedgirlfriend.com]

meh (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19888913)

Wake me when the prosthetic arm can turn into a big sword, or a plasma rifle or something cool like that.

Re:meh (2, Funny)

Spy der Mann (805235) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889129)

Wake me when the prosthetic arm can turn into a big sword, or a plasma rifle or something cool like that.
Yes, it can already, but first you have to take this blue pill :)

The important question is... (-1, Redundant)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19888925)

... does it go "da-na-na-na-na-na" when used for a feat of super-strength?

'Cause it's not really a bionic hand if it doesn't...

barroom hero (-1, Offtopic)

goarilla (908067) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888981)

one of the guys in the picture gallery is a dropkick murphy's fan so here it goes the lyrics of one of my favorite
dropkick murphy's song

Face down in the gutter won't admit defeat
though his clothes are soiled and black,
he's a big strong man with a child's mind,
Don't you take his booze away! (hey!)

He's been at it for years drinking balls and beers
hes a hero to most he meets
but inside he cries black swollen eyes this man he sheds no tears
Now his wife & kids sing a different tune
as they worry about their daddy dying
but this arrogant fool breaks every rule
it'll be nothing but pride that kills him

Chorus 2X

Could he listen no he won't
that's all she wrote
he'll be dead before the daylight shines
cause the thoughts and prayers of a million strong
might keep this fool from dying

He's a legend in the bar with every scar
fights a thousand bigger men,
now he fights and looses got all the bruises
will someone please step in?
This Irish fools got a great big heart
he keeps climbing back into the ring
In the low down circles where he holds his court
this man he once was king

Chorus2X

this one goes out to the Boston punks and skins... vary from CD

This one goes out to everyone at six fifty six Adams street...how you doing? fellas

Verse 2

Chorus2X

Woohoo! (1)

GungaDan (195739) | more than 6 years ago | (#19888985)

Cyborg fisting porn!

Re:Woohoo! (1)

iadude1010 (966243) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890031)

I want the one that sings 'I can't get no satisfaction' during use. No mention of battery life. Do you have to send it back to apple to get the battery replaced?

how strong? (3, Interesting)

icegreentea (974342) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889023)

does anyone have any idea how strong (grip strength, shock resistant, etc) these hands are? i notice theres diagram in the article showing a 'power grip', but it doesn't go into detail on its limits.

Uh-oh (1)

ehaggis (879721) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889059)

The picture [bbc.co.uk] at the bottom says, "i-limb" project - Apple may have something say about this!

Autonomous... (5, Funny)

i3spanky (191866) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889067)

...did anyone else reading the headline first think that the hand escaped and found its own way to the market?

Re:Autonomous... (1)

The_REAL_DZA (731082) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890495)

No, that would be the bionic foot

Oh, you know: "This little piggie went to market...this little piggie stayed home..."

Re:Autonomous... (1)

gardyloo (512791) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890579)

Yes, only I was more imagining "This little alloyed, pneumatically-driven, semi-adaptive-neural-net-controlled piggy went 'Wee! Wee! Wee!' all the way home."

Not the first (3, Informative)

Pedrito (94783) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889073)

This isn't the first myoelectric (muscle-powered) prosthesis to make it to market. There have been a few. These devices basically work by detecting electrical signals in muscles near the end of the remaining limb. What's really cool is the stuff in development using actual nerve signals instead. These could prove to be much more powerful because the nerves carry much more information and would allow for much finer control than you can get with myoelectric prostheses. Still, myoelectric is significantly better than passive prostheses.

convenient for touch typing nerds like me (2, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889077)

Now I can type with both hands while viewing porn and still have an extra hand available (and one that doesn't tire)!

But does it have bluetooth? (2, Insightful)

jollyreaper (513215) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889093)

It would really suck to lose a hand but it would be awesome to gain a remote-controlled Thing. I for one welcome our scampering disembodied robotic hand masters. :)

six million dollars (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889119)

you realize that my the time we can really make a bionic man/woman like the series, "six million dollar man" will sound like "3 hundred dollar man"

This deserves a... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889221)

High Five!

A great first step (1)

fishthegeek (943099) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889333)

Well guys, it looks like they've made the first 9% of what could be the best thing for slashdotters since vi!

My doodle is afraid (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889367)

If I lose my hand, and I am forced to employ this device... will my doodle be safe for the jacking?

forensics (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889755)

now i know that fingerprints are not the only (primary?) item during an investigation nowadays, but damn do these people have an advantage ;-p

That nice tingley feeling (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889761)

This is great. Now I won't have to sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is jacking me off.

Skiboxing (1)

Doc Ruby (173196) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889805)

When they get a bionic arm together, we'll have one of these installed for skiboxing.

No, we won't, that's a stupid SF gag.

Yes we will.

Look, I'm running the arms, you've got the legs.

But that was when it was 2 limbs each...

minus 1, Troll) (-1, Flamebait)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19889895)

and financial i8c.easynews.com MOVIE [imdb.com] 200 running NT this post up. Both believed that any doubt: FreeBSD in any way related troubled OS. Now working on varihous

Alien hand syndrome? (1)

Merkwurdigeliebe (1046824) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889907)

Will the makers ensure it won't suffer from alien hand syndrome and go nuts knocking things over or from doing things the owner simply didn't intend it to do ^-^?

Why is it always plastic? (2, Funny)

DaleGlass (1068434) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889979)

If I needed something of the sort I think I'd prefer something shiny and futuristic looking. Maybe something like from the Fullmetal Alchemist [infostore.org] anime. If it's going to look obviously artificial at least it could be something that looks cool.

a hit with Slashdot (4, Funny)

pete.com (741064) | more than 6 years ago | (#19889995)

Well if they aren't going to create a Bionic women, a Bionic hand is the next best thing I guess. This may cause some very interesting trips to the ER.

Buster (1)

hansamurai (907719) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890017)

They wouldn't have had this problem if they had just stayed away from the ocean and loose seals like their mother had told them in the first place.

Obscure Movie Reference (0, Flamebait)

rlp (11898) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890087)

"We are building a fighting force of incredible magnitude!
  You have our gratitude!
  Give him a hand!"

The perfect soundtrack to this article... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19890211)

... would be the song "Bionic Hands" [sprites.org.uk] by the Sprites.

No good for dual use.. (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#19890261)

- Man, my left hand just died. Not to worry, I have the spare battery in my pocket.

- Oh man, my right hand also died..

Big Deal (1)

PPH (736903) | more than 6 years ago | (#19890375)

The Addams Family had 'Thing' years ago.


Now, when they figure out how Uncle Fester powered that lightbulb in his mouth, the energy crisis will be over.

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