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Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets

CmdrTaco posted more than 6 years ago | from the kinda-funny dept.

It's funny.  Laugh. 194

GnomeIllusionist writes "In their continuing tribute to Gary Gygax, Wired has created character sheets for nine celebrities. Apparently, Stephen Hawking can do 10D6 radiation damage to his enemies and Rick Astley is a 20th-Level bard. Steve Jobs' black turtleneck is actually magical armor with +6 against edged attacks." Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.

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CmdrTaco's Sheet (5, Funny)

eldavojohn (898314) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973328)

Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.
CmdrTaco

Web Master
Chaotic Basement Troll
Strength: Pi
Intelligence: 4
Wisdom: 12
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 7
Charisma: 1
Special Abilities: Posses the inability to discern between 'there' and 'their' while at the same time lacking any clue of what news is.

Re:CmdrTaco's Sheet (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973368)

"Posses" should be "Possesses" ...

Re:CmdrTaco's Sheet (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974100)

I always wondered what evaporating karma sounded like....

It's Only Funny When It's Not You (5, Funny)

eldavojohn (898314) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974202)

I always wondered what evaporating karma sounded like....
Right so remember kids, it's only funny when it's not you. Oh no, I'm going to be modded troll and then funny and then troll and then ... I don't really care that much about this site anymore or my karma. If you need proof, I'll just go on a bitchy little rant about how I've never once gotten mod points despite the number of posts I've made, my karma, my many meta-moderations or the fact that I'm number four or five on the list of top contributors.

But if I hurt Cmdr Taco's feelings, I'll make it up to him:

eldavojohn

Slashdotter
Narcotic Basement Sheep
Strength: i
Intelligence: 3
Wisdom: 4
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 19
Charisma: 2
Special Abilities: Will suck dick for karma. Extreme dexterity gives him ability to stick foot in own mouth. Often acts like a know-it-all about topics he has no right commenting on. When challenged, often flies into frenzied rage and adds +7 to defensive rhetoric with a tree hugging hippy slant to it. Member of Slashdot hive mind mentality.

Christ, if you can't laugh about everything what's the point of living?

Re:It's Only Funny When It's Not You (1)

wish bot (265150) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974758)

I'll just go on a bitchy little rant about how I've never once gotten mod points despite the number of posts I've made, my karma, my many meta-moderations or the fact that I'm number four or five on the list of top contributors.
You mean you don't know about the three shells?

This guy doesn't know about the three shells!

What would have made a better article (2, Insightful)

Gandling (899826) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973338)

The actual character sheets of celebrity players like Vin Diesel and Stephen Colbert.

Re:What would have made a better article (4, Funny)

dgatwood (11270) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973410)

Let's see... William Shatner has the ability to randomly pause; if you roll a 13 on a 13-sided die, he pauses and in spite of looking ridiculous, he is miraculously unharmed by any attacks for an entire round. Also, every round, he gains experience points through sleeping with every non-human female currently in play.

:-D

Re:What would have made a better article (1)

sapphire wyvern (1153271) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973674)

I'm pretty sure that only Shatner would have 13-sided dice; they're an exotic particle that has to be made by retuning the deflector dish and rerouting the emissions to the Enterprise's replicator banks.

Re:What would have made a better article (1)

Aglassis (10161) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973862)

Let's see... William Shatner has the ability to randomly pause; if you roll a 13 on a 13-sided die, he pauses and in spite of looking ridiculous, he is miraculously unharmed by any attacks for an entire round. Also, every round, he gains experience points through sleeping with every non-human female currently in play.



:-D

Actually it isn't a pause, it is a timestop spell that was put on Kirk by Charlie Evans when he wouldn't give into Charlie's pleas and let a Thasian ship take him away. At any time Kirk speaks a 5+D10 second timestop spell is randomly cast (intelligence save every 5 seconds) which always confuses the hell out of him. This is why it always appears that he is rushing to catch up with what he said before 'pauses'.

Re:What would have made a better article (1)

Kingrames (858416) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974234)

Non-human?

Wow, he got nerfed pretty bad.

Re:What would have made a better article (1)

sapphire wyvern (1153271) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973686)

That would indeed be interesting. Wil Wheaton, too, I guess. I wonder if any of them play anything but D&D? There's so many more interesting games out there.

Should use Stormbringer System.... (5, Funny)

tjstork (137384) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973376)

Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (4, Funny)

cp.tar (871488) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973534)

Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

He's in a wheelchair.
Rolling is his only mode of transportation anyway.

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (0, Redundant)

gardyloo (512791) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973668)

Oh, yes. Thank you. We'd all forgotten about the wheelchair thing.

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974284)

My sister had this boyfriend one time that we made listen to MC Hawking all the time -- it took him 3 months to figure out that "all my shootings be drive-bys" was funny because EVERYTHING hawking does is a drive-by due to his wheelchair.

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (1)

Enderandrew (866215) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973562)

Hawking is a wild mage who creates branching realities with each roll, in some of which he fails or succeeds. Each possible outcome on the die roll exists simultaneously.

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (1)

ShieldW0lf (601553) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973766)

I would have thought Hawking to be more of a cleric, personally...

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (3, Funny)

StarkRG (888216) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974248)

Nah, I figure Hawking is like a Dalek. eh-leh-VATE!!!

Re:Should use Stormbringer System.... (5, Funny)

ggvaidya (747058) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974422)

Nonsense. Real theoretical physicists don't fear stairs: they level the building.

(You don't think Hawking radiation only applies to black holes, do you?)

Error in 'George Bush' (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973384)

His intelligence > his shoe size.

Some mistake, surely ?

Re:Error in 'George Bush' (3, Insightful)

cp.tar (871488) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973528)

AFAIK, his INT score shouldn't be higher than 9.

I'd also say 16 isn't his rolled CHA score; he couldn't possibly have rolled more than 12. At best.
All the rest is the doing of a few magical items, circumstance bonuses and followers.

Also, since he left my benighted country just a few hours ago, he also possesses a magical shield aura along with several hundred guards: no-one can enter the area within 300 m from him.
Setting your eyes on him can also probably turn you to stone or suffer the effect of Baleful Polymorph; what other reason could there be that people living in vicinity of the route he took were told to shutter their windows and stay inside?

Re:Error in 'George Bush' (3, Funny)

bjourne (1034822) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973670)

AFAIK, his INT score shouldn't be higher than 9.
I'd also say 16 isn't his rolled CHA score; he couldn't possibly have rolled more than 12. At best. All the rest is the doing of a few magical items, circumstance bonuses and followers.
Impossible, the Diebold optical scanner validated his character sheet. And you are just a sore loser.

Re:Error in 'George Bush' (1)

DeadDecoy (877617) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973672)

If he has a CHA above 16, it's probably from a party buff cast by a high level illusionist. Fortunately the Glamor is dispelled every time he tries to make a speech.

Re:Error in 'George Bush' (5, Funny)

Original Replica (908688) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973744)

I can't believe they forgot to mention his favorite spell:
"Fear and Confuse"- This spell has a nation wide area of effect causing any creatures with below 14 INT to see enemies in every shadow and to believe that the caster is their best hope of salvation. Any mage attempting to cast a "Dispel Fear" will immediately be lynched by the effected creatures. Duration: each effected creatures rolls 2d4 for number of years under the spell.

Re:Error in 'George Bush' (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973864)

That's not his spell, It belongs to Cheney. Bush is merely a focus required to activate the ability.

Re:Error in 'George Bush' (1)

CableModemSniper (556285) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974250)

Hehe. George W. Bush, material component for all Dick Cheney's spells.

Obligatory Onion reference (5, Funny)

Guppy (12314) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973386)

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma [theonion.com]

REDMOND, WA--Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.

Re:Obligatory Onion reference (4, Insightful)

sapphire wyvern (1153271) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973640)

That article is so much better than Wired's version.

Opens new tab to read article... (3, Funny)

The Ultimate Fartkno (756456) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973396)

...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x). Next story, please.

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (4, Funny)

Aglassis (10161) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973768)

...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x).

Next story, please.
That is only because you failed your Will save. Much like a tarrasque, she has a Frightful Presence.

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (1)

maxch (1264500) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973854)

Strange, same thing happened with me when I looked at her intelligence...

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (3, Funny)

CowboyNealOption (1262194) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974140)

Actually they simply forgot to put the decimal point in front of the 9.

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (1)

pjt33 (739471) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974358)

Never mind that. What about Charisma 18? Gag me with a spoon...

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (1)

ScriptedReplay (908196) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974000)

Paris Hilton
Intelligence: 9
Wisdom: 8

George W. Bush
Intelligence: 10
Wisdom: 6

Wow. I mean ... wow. I thought Paris Hilton defined -inf for wisdom as well as intelligence, but man was I wrong.

Gotta go search for my jawbone on the floor now.

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (1)

Jurily (900488) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974764)

IIRC, 3 Int is necessary to speak one language. Spot on for wisdom however.

Re:Opens new tab to read article... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974366)

Ah, I see you've passed your save vs. skanks roll...

Gives a whole new meaning... (3, Funny)

zuggy40 (951875) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973428)

to being rick-rolled

Re:Gives a whole new meaning... (1)

detritus. (46421) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974274)

So is this:
(989) 272-RICK

And if you're deaf,
(989) 272-7426 (TDD)

Gaydar (0, Redundant)

Bodhammer (559311) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973438)

This article invoked my +12 gaydar of seeing.

Even for nerds... (2, Insightful)

Chonnawonga (1025364) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973440)

...I'm not sure this qualifies as news.

Re:Even for nerds... (1)

pembo13 (770295) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973552)

Some people seem to feel that AD&D is critical to being a geek somehow.

First ADHD post! (4, Funny)

tomhudson (43916) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973642)

Some people seem to feel that AD&D is critical to being a geek somehow.

Some people seem to feel that ADHD is critical to being a geek somehow.

There - fixed.

... unless you're an AI in which case ADD is just another instruction ...

Re:First ADHD post! (3, Interesting)

kesuki (321456) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973846)

Like they say, you don't HAVE to be crazy, but it HELPS. Especially if your life ambition is to play video games for FUN not necessarily to win, mind you but for fun. (mind you the 6 months in mental hospitals + 6 months in group homes is NOT FUN a 5 digit back pay check from social security, is something any geek who doesn't have a HDTV or a playstation3 yet dreams of. (plus my best PC only has 1 gig of ram and 300 GB of HD storage and a 3000+ (2000 mhz) processor)

We're dreaming quadcore with 4 gigs of ram and 3 TB of raid. and at least 128 pixel pipelines/shaders, haven't ruled out SLI for 256 pixel pipelines/shaders.. haven't ruled out BD-recordable yet either. especially in light of easter's BD+ cracked news from our friends at slysoft, Ahh a computer that might actually run vista slightly slower than it runs XP.

although i understand that cracked BD+ discs non-encrypted style require a laptop to watch them in the car, so that hasn't been ruled out either. although I'm not 100% crazy, so i won't get wireless N technology, i mean the Standard isn't even out yet, and i recall how well that worked for 56k modem users. I'm actually mostly paranoid so I'm thinking of using one of my old PCs as a smoothwall 3.0 before the wireless router, and using the best security on that wireless router.

(mainly i need wireless for my nintendo-DS, small apartment, where they base the rent on my Current disability check, so now it's free, i think it'll be 1/3rd my check, at most, maybe less)

Did I small town, awesome Cable internet?

no fiber to the home, but with me being the only guy who's even heard of bittorrent here, welll....

I'll take a nice decent cable internet any day.

Re:First ADHD post! (3, Funny)

pjt33 (739471) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974328)

Could you rewrite that after taking your tablets? At the moment I'm struggling to make sense of it.

Re:Even for nerds... (1, Offtopic)

electrosoccertux (874415) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973586)

I agree. I would like less Reddit/Digg style stories. That's not what attracts me to slashdot, it's the in depth discussion, which simply isn't generated by stories like this.

Re:Even for nerds... (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973858)

We have a new slogan:

Slashdot -- Entertainment for idiots

Re:Even for nerds... (1)

rob1980 (941751) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974240)

It's Saturday, let your hair down a little bit. Dang.

Ballmer (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973446)

+5 missile attack

captcha: bashing

oh god (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973480)

Rick astley posted by: anon

They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (3, Informative)

UrinalPooper (1240522) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973514)

Bush would be lawful evil, not chaotic neutral... So few people seem to grasp precisely how that alignment works. The best description I one saw was in an old Dragon magazine: think Daffy Duck.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (4, Insightful)

Nimey (114278) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973574)

Neutral Evil. Lawful Evil types will follow laws & agreements to the letter, if not necessarily the spirit. Bush clearly thinks the law doesn't apply to him, so he's not lawful.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (2)

MostAwesomeDude (980382) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973716)

I would say that he's True Neutral; after all, puppets don't really have an alignment.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (1)

harry666t (1062422) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973876)

It just proves that "good/evil and lawful/chaotic" is flawed. There is so much more about characters than four bits of data.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (2, Insightful)

Dr. Evil (3501) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973840)

Naw, he's using the law to change the law. Sending people to Guantanamo, creating stuff like the Patriot Act, even using the presidency to accomplish his bizzare goals. It all reeks of Lawful.

Evil has an implication of his motives. I like to think he's lawful good, but profoundly unwise.

If I had to draw it up:

George W. Bush,
Human
Level 24 Specialty Priest of Republicanism, Level 1 fighter
Lawful Good (see further)

Str: 13 (he does ranching stuff every once in a while, slightly above average)
Int: 18 (he's president... freaky though it may be)
Wis: 2 (6 -4) (I hold hope that he's not evil.)
Dex: 6 (The Segway?)
Con: 10 (he's kinda small and wiry)
Cha: 18 (he's the president... that's not an accident)

George is on a religious crusade to preserve and spread American values and quality of life. He's an unfortunately powerful man who believes that he can do this by commanding armies to usurp governments and liberate oil.

George's already low natural wisdom has been reduced by his possession of a cursed (-4 Wisdom) "Crucifix of Divine Communion".

---

Clerical Spell: Conjure Bushism
Level 6
Components: V
Casting Time: Instant/Special

While in public, George can instantly disarm an audience, changing an unfavourable response into a favourable one, typically through verbal or physical comedy. Unless immune (see below) everyone who can hear or see George must save vs. spell at -8 or be distracted from the core issue for 1d20 days.

Casting time is instantaneous, however anyone who's affected twice by the spell (see above: 1d20 days) develops a permanent immunity from the affect. Perceiving further gaffes as evidence of incompetence.

--

Clerical Spell: Alter Fox News Broadcast
Level 8
Components: V,M
Casting Time: 8 hours

When cast, a Fox News broadcast will appear during prime time, extolling the virtues of George.

The material component is a telephone and a political favour. The telephone is not consumed in the casting.

--

Clerical Spell: Influence Election Outcome
Level 8
Components: V,S,M
Casting Time: 7 days

When cast, George will be able to alter an election outcome for a state.

The material components are electronic voting machines and money. The voting machines must be distributed prior to the election. Both the machines, the money and the reputation of the voting machine manufacturer are consumed in the casting of the spell.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974630)

So how do you combine being lawful good with influencing election outcomes? I see you're still under the effect of a Conjure Bushism spell (I think the name 'Invoke Stupidity' would be a better description of the spell, letting the Charisma score do the rest...).

The Influence Election Outcome spell is clearly [Evil] and, in the current 3.5 rules, clerics cannot cast spells opposite to their alignment, thus George can't be of good alignment.

Int 18 is ridiculous.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973692)

Or maybe, just for once - we could not have someone slip in their political opinion on Bush in one of these things? Yeah, you hate Bush and think he's evil - great. Not everyone has to follow you to the letter.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (1)

nurhussein (864532) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973914)

I've found that a suitable poster boy for Chaotic Neutral is Dr. Gregory House.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (1)

scooter.higher (874622) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974218)

I would disagree. I call House CG.

While he may not follow the rules, he is doing it to save the lives of other people.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (1)

CableModemSniper (556285) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974264)

Agreed. Not CN at all, his motives are always pretty clear.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (3, Interesting)

WK2 (1072560) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974526)

I disagree with CG, and agree with the GP poster, CN. Saving lives is only a natural side effect of what House does. He is only in it to solve a mystery, and he only does it for himself.

You can tell how "good" House is by how he treats everybody and everything else. He doesn't care about or respect them. He lied to everybody without remorse, and only decided to cut down on lying when he learned that he can get things from people if they distrust him less. He only serves his own desires, which are neither good nor evil.

Chaotic Neutral.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment (1)

scooter.higher (874622) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974614)

But the only mysteries he solves are those that save people's lives.

More on Rick Astley's char sheet (5, Funny)

Guppy (12314) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973520)

Rick Astley's character sheet neglects to mention a few things -- he is under a permanent Geas of loyalty. Rick is unable to abandon party members for any reason (although his party members may choose to leave him if they initiate the separation). In addition, he is unable to speak any untruth which causes emotional anguish to another.

Rick also has a compulsion to explain to others his emotional state and how he is feeling, which results in a penalty to all rolls involving deception (except vs. ducks). However, this feature is not a Geas and is merely a personality trait.

Re:More on Rick Astley's char sheet (5, Funny)

MoonBuggy (611105) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973590)

Can that be considered a rickroll even if it happened inside my head?

Re:More on Rick Astley's char sheet (1)

vyrus128 (747164) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974392)

Yes. It got me too. XD

Re:More on Rick Astley's char sheet (1)

CableModemSniper (556285) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974268)

*applause*

Don't bother visiting (4, Informative)

Sapphon (214287) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973538)

Paris Hilton
Actress
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Wiggling out of jail time for DUI charges, washing cars in an entertaining manner.

George W. Bush
17th -level politician
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Always wins eligible elections, takes no damage for corporate connections, has the ability to prevaricate perfectly, and always goes first in initiative in attacks via other countries.

Ron Paul
23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.

Steve Jobs
21st Level Paladin
Strength: 12 Intelligence: 15 Wisdom: 17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 20
Special Abilities: Reality Distortion field allows him to temporarily influence any character, if he rolls less than his Charisma, minus the target's Intelligence.
Special Equipment: +6 Magical Armor appears as a black turtleneck and blue jeans, but protects him from edged attacks.

Dean Kamen
43rd-Level Human*
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 22 Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 13 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two when riding the battle chair.
Magical "water box." Powered by fire. Makes clean water and provides a bright light that can be used to reduce an opponent's dexterity by two points.
*His exact origin/species is in dispute.

Stephen Hawking
25th-Level Cosmologist
Neutral Good Human
Strength: 3 Dexterity: 2 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 28 Wisdom: 20 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: Time dilation at will, and Hawking Radiation. Any nongenius within a 60-foot radius take 10d6 radiation damage. Base movement: 6 ft/round
Special Equipment: Wheelchair of translation.

Richard Dawkins
22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
Lawful Neutral Human
Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25
Special Abilities: Spell Resistance Infinite (because magic is not real).
All Cleric-Priest within 60 feet gain 2 negate levels due to logical paradox.
Special Equipment: Spectacles of Trueseeing (always sees things as they really are).

Rick Astley
20th-Level Bard
Strength: 8 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 10 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Uses Dex. bonus for all Dance-related checks due to years of training in the art of '80s pop dancing. Can rickroll targets for 5d6 of humiliation damage.

Mr. T
lvl9 Fighter / lvl7 Barbarian
Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity.
Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.

No, I haven't forgotten any stats: some people just didn't seem to deserve all 6, as far as Wired was concerned!

Re:Don't bother visiting (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973830)

paris hilton should have 1 for intelligence. she's got to be one of stupidest people out there. her iq is probably what, like 30 or something? 25?
same goes for george. that guy is the same as her. except he has no boobs. i think?

Re:Don't bother visiting (4, Insightful)

xZgf6xHx2uhoAj9D (1160707) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974068)

Why would you suggest Paris Hilton is stupid? It's an honest question. Because the character she portrays on "reality" TV is stupid? Because she doesn't wear underwear? Because she doesn't have a job? None of those suggest stupidity to me.

I'm not saying Paris Hilton is a genius, but I've yet to find any evidence that she's an idiot. People who accuse her of being stupid, in my experience, tend to be the type that are intimidated by or easily manipulated by the blonde, bubbly, slut stereotype. She's picked an image and exploits it to her full advantage. Yes, she's blonde. Yes, she toys with men. Yes, her childhood was handed to her on a silver platter. None of that to me suggests stupidity.

Consider that Paris Hilton is rumoured to be dubbed "the most overrated celebrity" by the Guinness Book of World Records. She has attained a huge amount of fame and fortune (not all of it inherited) by doing absolutely nothing but playing the media. That doesn't sound like stupid to me.

Re:Don't bother visiting (1)

wanderingknight (1103573) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974388)

Thank you. I feel the same when people call Bush an idiot. He's bad news, but he's certainly not an idiot.

Re:Don't bother visiting (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974774)

DUI.

Anybody who drives while they are intoxicated cannot be particularly bright. She was also busted on driving with a suspended license at least twice afterwards.

Let the nitpicking begin! (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974162)

> Paris Hilton
> Chaotic Neutral Human
> Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18

That's way too high an int & wis.

> George W. Bush
> Chaotic Neutral Human
> Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16

Ditto. Also, I'd lower that charisma a bit.

> Ron Paul
> 23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
> Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
> Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon
> 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at
> delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.

Lawful NEUTRAL. A person of good alignment (which is not the same as being "good") would act to help others EVEN IF IT HARMED THEMSELVES. Ron Paul opposes welfare and other government programs which do exactly that (helps others at his expense) on the grounds that they're unlawful (unconstitutional). That may be a good thing to some, but it is NOT of good alignment.

Charisma would have to be about two points lower, per that special ability, because he only got ~10% of the Republican vote nationally. And those are just from the primaries, which only encompass half the voters.

He's more of an economist than a wizard, for that matter.

> Dean Kamen
> Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
> Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two
> when riding the battle chair.

> Stephen Hawking

These two should pair up!

> Richard Dawkins
> 22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
> Lawful Neutral Human
> Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25

Charisma is too high; he's not quite that influential. Certainly not more so than Steve Jobs! Speaking of which, it would be interesting to see him paired up vs. Jobs' RDF.

> Mr. T
> Level 9 Fighter / Level 7 Barbarian
> Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12

Both int, con and level are too low. He's NOT dumber than Paris Hilton and George Bush! He also should've been able to roll for exceptional strength as a fighter.

Sheesh, I've only played AD&D once and I know more about the rules than these folks...

Re:Don't bother visiting (1)

Machtyn (759119) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974198)

How in the world did Paris Hilton score anything above a 4 on intelligence and a 2 in wisdom? If she rolls a 4, then she flips a coin, tails she gets -1.

GW Bush (3, Funny)

Entropius (188861) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973580)

Aristocrat (Neoconservative) 10/Clr2 of Jeebus

Str: 13
Dex: 8 (choked on a pretzel)
Con: 14 (able to stomach sight of Laura Bush)
Int: 8
Wis: 9*
Cha: 14 (people still like him)

HP: 10d6+2d8+24

Skill points: 13*2 (Ari) +2*1 (Clr) = 28

Profession (failed businessman) +3
Craft (ridiculous speeches) +4
Knowledge (torture methods) +5
Knowledge (religion) +2
Knowledge (pseudoscience) +3
Perform (monkey faces) +7

Neocon Bullheadedness (Ex): Analogous to the Madness rule for clerics of Tharizdun (see RttToEE), Neoconservatives add half of their Neocon level to their Wisdom for the purpose of Will saves and any checks related to avoiding changing one's mind, but subtract this number from their Wisdom for all other purposes except spellcasting. Neocons who worship Jeebus count their cleric levels as Neocon levels for this purpose.

Cause Fear (Ex): By invoking the sacred name of Terrism, Bush can cause a disturbed fearful state in those who hear his speeches. Anyone hearing such a speech for five consecutive rounds must make a Will save (DC 18) or be shaken for 24 hours. In addition, for the next four months the victim must make a Will save (DC 13) upon future mention of Terrism, or be shaken for 10 minutes. Listeners with Intelligence 12 or greater are unaffected; listeners with intelligence 16 or greater are highly amused.

Feats: Courteous Theocracy (background feat), Dodge Draft, Thrall to Demon (Karl Rove), Weapon Focus (flag lapel pin), Dodge (for hunting with Cheney)

Typical cleric spells prepared: **can't cast spells, Wis10**

Re:GW Bush (5, Funny)

MoodyLoner (76734) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973688)

You forgot his Unitary Executive, Misunderestimate Me and Appoint Lackey feats:

Unitary Executive: Ignores rules for character generation. Can ignore any or all rules of combat, at will, as long as Memo of John Woo is in possession.

Misunderestimate Me: Is underestimated for the wrong reasons. Add +6 inherent bonus to Bluff, and a -6 inherent penalty to all Diplomacy rolls made on his behalf, even by another PC or an NPC.

Appoint Lackey: Anyone he appoints to an Administration position takes a -8 inherent penalty to all relevant skills. The only way to avoid this penalty is to not have any skills applicable to the position.

Re:GW Bush - you missed a couple (1, Funny)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974174)

If he is riding a mountainbike he has to roll a 20 to prevent a 10d6 chin bash.

If pretzels are in the room he must make a saving roll or suffer 1d8 choking.

When running for election he gets +2 votes every time he rubs his diebold device.

All members of his party suffer a -1 constitution drain per day, unless they resign.

When speaking to world leaders he loses 10 charisma and all exit doors become illusions.

JCx

Could do better (1)

sapphire wyvern (1153271) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973628)

Ok. Two problems here. Firstly, these are so very far from being character sheets. They'd be useless stat blocks for an NPC, let alone a decent character sheet. Sadly inferior to the Onion article.

Secondly, AD&D. WTF? That was 2.5 editions ago. I thought Wired was supposed to be about the cutting edge!

And, now that I've completely overreacted, I'll switch out of Comic Book Guy mode and return to you to your regular programming.

Re:Could do better (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22973774)

It's Wired. They've degraded a lot over the last decade.

Re:Could do better (1)

thephotoman (791574) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973888)

Well, AD&D may have been a long time ago, but newer versions are far too legalistic for many players' tastes.

Additional character (5, Funny)

MarchTheMonth (1232442) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973666)

no disrespect to Mr. T, but Chuck Norris would have been much better. Chuck Norris Lawful Good Superhuman Strength: 20 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 12 Constitution: 16 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 15 Special Abilities: Tears cure all afflictions. Roundhouse kick, if rolled higher than 1d4, defeats enemy. Beard has special powers not yet seen.

Re:Additional character (5, Funny)

fyrewulff (702920) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973708)

I thought it should be

Chuck Norris:

Strength: Chuck Norris
Wisdom: Chuck Norris
Int: Chuck Norris
Dex: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris

Re:Chuck Norris (5, Funny)

tomhudson (43916) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973750)

Everyone knows that as soon as you introduce the Chuck Norris character into the game, it ends as all the other characters get roundhouse kicked into another alternate universe.

Also, Chuck Norris always wins, even with a 1. Nobody else dares roll the dice to counter. It is said that someone tried once - they rolled a blank - the pips on the die had turned white in fear of Chuck Norris.

Re:Chuck Norris (-1, Troll)

Phrogman (80473) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974426)

I think you will find that if someone finds any humour in Chuck Norris jokes, they have an INT of less than 8, possibly 5. Anyone with a higher INT value suffers a temporary -6 penalty to their INT score that will last at least 24 hrs.

Chuck Norris is a mediocre martial artist - his only claim to fame and popularity is due to being American. If you want real MA skills, check out Jackie Chan or Tony Jaa, both of whom could kick CN ass without effort :P

Re:Chuck Norris (1)

phantomfive (622387) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974576)

Dude, it's funny. Get over it.

Re:Additional character (1)

Hassman (320786) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973790)

Wouldn't Chuck Norris be maxed out on all stats and professions?

Re:Additional character (1)

Nimey (114278) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973992)

Are you implying that Chuck Norris is a munchkin?

You can't run far or fast enough, me bucko.

22th? (5, Funny)

crossmr (957846) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973680)

"22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist"

how about 22nd..
looks like an editor just failed an intelligence check.

Re:22th? (3, Insightful)

ultranova (717540) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974324)

How about "22nd-Level Troll" ?

Dawkins isn't best known for his scientific work. He is best known for his crusade against religion. Publishing one tirade after another about the subject is hard to consider anything but trolling; and he's been pretty succesfull in that, as proven by books like "The Dawkins Delusion" - how many Slashdot trolls can say they got dead-tree books published just to counter their posts ?

If one wanted to be really nasty - considering his convictions - one could even call him a "22nd-Level Crusader" :). Also, I seem to recall there was a prestige class which concentrated on jamming the powers of clerics and denying that deities were anything worth worshipping, as opposed to simply powerful but ultimately ordinary beings; I can't recall what it was called, thought.

Re:22th? (1, Interesting)

glwtta (532858) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974528)

Publishing one tirade after another about the subject is hard to consider anything but trolling

What makes you think he isn't sincere in his beliefs?

I'm just curious. I personally don't have much interest in the field of "pop-evolutionary biology" but I think it has its place, and serves a useful purpose.

What a cop out! (4, Funny)

26199 (577806) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973806)

"Good and evil need no explanation" ... if you've figured out what's good and what's evil in this crazy world, please share!

Not funny! (3, Funny)

johnwbyrd (251699) | more than 6 years ago | (#22973836)

Augh!

Slashdot is an awesome place to find out about the latest Internet Explorer vulnerabilities and the hippest Linux distros. But it's a truly dreadful, forsaken, necrotic place for getting legal advice and for finding the funny.

Funny is embedded in an underground cavern on the dark side of the moon from Slashdot. Funny is being cryogenically frozen in carbonite while Slashdot looks on and taunts funny with the voice of James Earl Jones. Funny is imprisoned in Florida, recounting hanging chad from the 2000 election, while Slashdot rules the country for eight years and mispronounces the word "nuclear".
King of the Hill, My Name Is Earl, Wonder Showzen, Look Around You: all funny! Linux startup scripts, Microsoft patent trolling, packet sniffers going 1.0, DVORAK keyboards, anything written to be sung to the tune of anything else, parodies of Magic cards depicting tech moguls: all not funny!

There exists a damned fine reason why the Slashdot moderators are making millions writing PHP and perl scripts, and not making millions writing Hollywood sitcoms. 'CAUSE SLASHDOT IS NOT FUNNY!

Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

Re:Not funny! (1)

Dunbal (464142) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974074)

Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

      No, because by slashdot standards, your post was actually quite funny.

Re:Not funny! (4, Funny)

kvezach (1199717) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974244)

Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

I am the very model of a modern Slashdot forum troll
and when I post and moderate I always will be very droll...

Darl McBride (0)

Anonymous Coward | more than 6 years ago | (#22974120)

+6 immunity to reason

The day ... (1)

ari_j (90255) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974142)

The day that Slashdotters come up with something better than Wired magazine does, I'll tune in to watch the original showing of the last episode of TNG.

Steve Ballmer with 10D8 chair attack (1)

Joce640k (829181) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974164)

Too easy...

Mr.T? I thought he'd be... (1)

RyuuzakiTetsuya (195424) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974380)

A nightelf Mohawk. =) Although maybe they grabbed his real sheet, i mean, Mr. T IS handy with computers and has an antiquated hairstyle.

Priceless (3, Funny)

EdIII (1114411) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974416)

Mr.T's Character Sheet (TFA)

Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity. Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.
I think I almost peed myself that was so funny.... yeah just a little :) They did forget a persistent Fear of Flying (no saving throw) and the complete inability to detect sedatives in any fluid.

awesome (1)

kris.montpetit (1265946) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974428)

this totally made my day. Sadly none of these characters are capable of casting resurrection on poor Gary :(

No, No, No! More Cheese please! (1)

Zero__Kelvin (151819) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974432)

"Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better."
Trying to do this, but in a less cheesy way, is like going on a diet and trying to figure out how to loose less unwanted fat. There is a reason why Kraft doesn't have a slogan: "Now with less cheese ..."

That being said, here is my contribution, which his hopefully way more cheesy . Everyone knows that John Holmes [wikipedia.org] had (at least) a +5 wand!

Stallman the wizard of gnu (1)

garlicbready (846542) | more than 6 years ago | (#22974728)

I can't believe they didn't mention Stallman the almighty wizard of gnu (come on he does have the beard, and I wouldn't be all that surprised if he had a funny looking hat)
chaotic good

not forgetting the omnipresent torvalds (if that isn't a magic sounding name I don't know what is)
chaotic neutral
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