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I typically read about __ books per year.

AsnFkr Re:Not enough (363 comments)

Considering the number of posts you have on /. I think it's safe to say you might be able to re-allocate some activities to squeeze in a book or two a year. ;)

more than 4 years ago

Dubai's Police Chief Calls BlackBerry a Spy Tool

AsnFkr Just setup a VPN in the UAE for voice.... (215 comments)

Hilariously, I'm in the UAE at the moment and wanted to call my Dad (who is in the states) from my Skype account to his cell phone. Unfortunately, the UAE blocks Skype -> phone (oddly Skype -> Skype works fine) calls so I just used logmein to connect to a XP box I have in the states, flip on the VPN setting, forward the ports on the router and then connect to it from my win7 box here in the UAE thus mading the call with no troubles. Took 5 minutes total, and I had never once made a VPN before...so if they are trying to stop terrorist activity or whatever they are going to need to try harder.

more than 4 years ago

In 2009, I've donated (or will donate) to charity ...

AsnFkr Re:Make A Huge Difference - For Zero Dollars (596 comments)

I'd love to, but I've got a great business opportunity in Paris. I'll be staying at the Eiffel Towers.

about 5 years ago

ISS To Become Second Brightest-Object In the Sky

AsnFkr Re:Darkness (243 comments)

Chances are if he saw anything of Sputnik 1 (assuming 1 is what he was referencing) at all it was the second stage of it's booster, not the satellite itself.

more than 5 years ago

Tooth Regeneration Coming Soon

AsnFkr Re:Hooray (289 comments)

I gnash my teeth while asleep.

Seriously go get an occlusal guard. I went for a long time without one due to not having insurance/not having spare cash, and now due to the grinding I have a tooth that was fractured above the gumline that became infected. They had to slice a flap in my gums to get to the damaged region, then because the damage was so progressed it required a root canal which was the worst experience of my life due to the tooth being "hot" (read: It was numbed properly but I could still feel all the work being done). All this even after I meticulously care for my teeth on a twice-a-day regiment. It's frustrating.

about 6 years ago

Breaking Down the Dropping Parts Cost for Sony's PS3

AsnFkr Re:Any way you slice it.... (302 comments)

Are you nuts? The person who buys a PS3 as only a Bluray player is NOT who they want to buy it, as Sony will never make back the money they lost selling the unit to them as that consumer will never buy any additional items for it outside of the PS3 DvD/Bluray controller for it. That said, I have a Ps3 and I like it a lot.

about 6 years ago

Acorns Disappear Across the Country

AsnFkr Re:Let me guess... (474 comments)

It's a simple supply and demand thing. OAPT (Organization of the Acorn Producing Trees) decided that supply was too high and cut production. This has significantly increased the price per cheek full.

Yes, but even if the PPC goes up, the cost of shipment method goes up with it, for the less you ship the more expensive it gets, per nut. They can only cut so much before it becomes cost ineffective.

more than 6 years ago

Thanksgiving means mostly ...

AsnFkr Re:Tday is so much better than XMAS (586 comments)

Well, I don't call it Boxing day but I do take all the crap people give me that I don't want to Good Will every year shortly after Christmas, so it's about the same thing.

more than 6 years ago

Thanksgiving means mostly ...

AsnFkr Tday is so much better than XMAS (586 comments)

I hate Christmas. Seriously. I hate all the annoying decorations, social complications that come with gifts (1. If I want something I'll buy it, not wait all year for someone ELSE to buy it for me. 2. If I want to give someone something I'll give it to them when I want, why wait for some other dude's birthday to be nice? 3. I'm a grinch) traffic, traveling to see family you don't see but once a year to give gifts back and forth to each other...it all sucks. All of it except the spending time with family and friends. On the other hand Thanksgiving is awesome. Works well to just spend time with family/friends and have a meal, without all the crap XMAS brings along. The worst part of Thanksgiving is that XMAS is right around the corner.

more than 6 years ago

The ISS Marks 10 Years In Space

AsnFkr Re:Should it really cost as much as it does? (153 comments)

NASA peaked as Apollo and has been underachieving ever since.

I agree with you (for the most part) on this statement relating to manned space exploration, but NASA has had much success in robotic space exploration in the past 40 years that should not be ignored.

more than 6 years ago

New AMD Processors Aiming Between Laptops and Netbooks

AsnFkr Re:Not underpowered - more like underfeatured (77 comments)

Some people will want more CPU power for ... games? Who knows...

Hi def video playback. I download everything in x264 these days as it looks amazing on my TV, but from time to time I want to take something with me to watch on my laptop and would like to be able to do so without down-converting the video first.

more than 6 years ago




By the way...

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 9 years ago

You know all those posts over the past four years where I was writting about my girlfriend Leah? Yea, we broke up. But I still meant them posts. It's just kinda strange to read them now. To make sure *ALL* my posts are now totally retarded looking I'm going to join a jebus-lovin' church of some sort. And put soap in my nose.


Darkest Hour

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 9 years ago I went and saw Darkest Hour live. They are freaking brutal. What I dont get is why the kids listen to all these other rehashed post hardcore ass bands when Darkest Hour is out there doing the same thing 100 times better. Kids, you are retards.


Perfect Albums

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 9 years ago

Here's a list of albums that are totally perfect in every way. - Let me clarify: These are albums that I never have to skip a track on. These are albums I very much enjoy the actual production and recording quality of. These are albums that at some point in my life have meant a great deal to me. These are albums that have stood the test of time and I still listen to frequently.

A Radio With Guts - Beat Heart Sweet Stereo
Alkaline Trio - goddamnit
Andrew WK - I Get Wet
Aquabats - Charge!
Aquabats- Vs The Floating Eye Of Death
Atom and his Package - Redefining Music
Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution - EP
Big D and the Kids Table - Gipsy Hill
Bjork - Post
Bloodhound Gang - One Fierce Beercoaster
Blood Bros - Crimes
Bomb The Music Industry - Anything they record
Bouncing Souls - How I Spent My Summer Vacation
Bruce Lee Band - S/T
Camera Obscura - Underachievers Please Try Harder
Cardigans - Emmerdale
Catch 22 - Keasbey Nights
Coheed and Cambria - The Second Stage Turbine Blade
Connie Dungs - ELBC
Dance Hall Crashers - Purrr
Darkest Hour - Mark Of The Judas
Dave Matthews Band - Crash
Descendents - Everything Sucks
Dido - Life For Rent
Dynamite Hack - Superfast
Estrella - Three Song Promo
Flaming Lips - The Soft Bulletin
Glasseater - 7 Years Bad Luck
Green Day - Kerplunk
Green Day - Dookie
Green Day - Insomniac
Hippos - Heads Are Gonna Roll
Junction 18 - This Vicious Cycle
Junction 18 - Heros From The Future
Kemuri - 77 Days
Less Than Jake - Hello Rockview
Less Than Jake - Losing Streak
Mates of State - Team Boo
Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies - Take A Break
Millincollin - Pennybridge Pioneers
Nerf Herder - How To Meet Girls
New Amsterdams - Worse For The Wear
New Found Glory - Nothing Gold Can Stay
New Found Glory - S/T
Nirvana - In Utero
One Man Army - Split With Alkaline Trio
Ozma - Doubble Donkey Disc
Penguin Cafe Orchestra - When In Rome
Pinhead Gunpowder - Shoot The Moon
Postal Service - Give Up
Presidents of The USA - Two
Promise Ring - Very Emergency
Proms - Helpless Romantic
Rancid - 2000
Rhapsody - Dawn Of Victory
Rilo Kiley - Take Offs and Landings
Rilo Kiley - The Execution of All Things
Save Ferris - It Means Everything
Saves The Day - Stay What You Are
Saves The Day - In Reveire
Screeching Weasel - My Brain Hurts
Spacehog - The Chinese Album
Squirrel Nut Zippers - Perennial Favorites
Strike Anywhere - Exit English
The Adventures Of Jet - Coping with Insignificance
Thrice - Identity Crisis
Thrice - The Illusion Of Safety
Unicorns - Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?
Vandals - Look What I Almost Stepped In
Vandals - Hitler Bad, Vandals Good
Vandals - Oi To The World
Weezer - Blue
Weezer - Pinkerton


Centennial of Terrorism

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago As of today it has been 100 years since the Wright Brothers flew their first plane down in Kitty Hawk North Carolina. It's nice to remember that without that historic flight we may of never had the dreaded September 11th attacks in 2001. For this I'd like to personally thank the Wright Brothers for being dirty fucking terrorists.


Tree Gods

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago People at some point thought that a good way to please their Jesus would be to sacrifice a pine tree, set it up in their homes, make it appear to be set ablaze and hang Joe Montana dolls off it's branches. Otherwise their Jesus may become enraged and throw a spear of lightning through their loved one's hearts of cold black coal. I love Jesus.


Nine *FUCKING* Years!!

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

I'm not married, but I may as well be. I live with my girlfriend whom I've dated for 9 years. I don't have any input on love aside from the following:

Guys, give up trying to find true love. Its futile. You won't ever find the perfect girl. I already found her and you can't have her. The race is over, I won. True love is dedicated directly and only to me. Second place gets a kick in the balls. (By the way, those are your balls..not mine...remember me? Mr. First place? Yea.) Sucks to be you fucks.


Married Fucks

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

Most of the people I know that are getting married are the people who think you have to be married to have sex. Little do people know you can actually have sex without being married. It's easy. Silly bastards. Sex without marriage is like downloading a MP3 without paying for it. It makes you feel good. Pirating sex rocks. Yaaaaarrrrr!!!


The Great Donut Explosion

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

I had a cherry filled donut at about 4pm today, while I was at work. At around 4:30 I was tossing Dr. Oink in the air to pass the time and I missed and dropped him on the ground. When I picked him up he was magically covered in red shit. It looked like he was bleeding, and much to my delight his blood tasted fucking awesome! You see, by this point I had forgotten all about the donut. I obviously figured it out pretty quick, but was a little stumped on how the donut's guts had found it's way to my pig. I spent a few minutes cleaning him up with paper towels, and he was as good as new. At about 4:55 I put my hand on my pants and...what's this? Cherry jelly all over my hands! Motherfucker! I clean off my hands and give my pants a decent scrubbing down. All good. I close up the store and head over to the gas station for a sub. While in line a customer asks me why I have blood on my foot. I look down, and there is like a GIGANTIC FUCKING SPLATTER of that GODDAMNED FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING CHERRY FUCKING JIZZ all over my right shoe. I check out the left shoe, he's clean as a whistle. I grab a paper towel and explain the great donut exlosion to the curious customer while I'm cleaning my shoe off. I get home and want to take off the funked shoe before I go inside, careful not to track cherry shit across my carpet. I get the shoe off and go in, one foot barefoot the other still captive to a shoe. I get in the kitchen and put the jacked shoe on the counter as I pull off my left shoe. Yup. Somehow there is now fucking jelly all over my left shoe. Sonofabitch. And now it's all over my hand. I take a glance back to the carpet between the front door and the kitchen. Yea, track of red left behind me. I hop to it and clean the carpet as quick as I can so it doesn't stain. All is well on the carpet, so I focus my attention to my shoes. I get them clean after ten minutes of scrubbing and dry them off, put them with our pile of shoes by the door. I wash my hands off and come to the computer to eat my sub. I sit down and have somehow gotten jelly on my hands on the trip from the fucking sink to the computer room (30 seconds). Of course I sat down and typed before I noticed, so now the shit is all over my keyboard. I jump in the bathroom to retrieve more paper towels to clean the keyboard and wash my hands...again. While I'm in the bathroom I look in the mirror and notice there is FUCKING JELLY IN MY MOTHERFUCKING HAIR. Fuck it, I have to go to the dump...I'll take a shower when I get back. How the fuck does this shit move from place to place on it's own? Quantum Jelly Teleportation I guess. I don't even remember any point during the donut consumption that any didn't make it's way to my mouth, so I don't even know how this all started. Fuck jelly donuts.



AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago This one time Clint and I put a dollar in the mailbox and then hid behind a bush until the mailman came, with hopes that he would take the dollar and we'd be able to jump out of the bush and chase him down the street yelling "SO YOU'VE BEEN THE ONE STEALING OUR DOLLARS!!". He didn't take the dollar. Asshole.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Chip, who lost his right testical in an awful Jet-Ski accident.


Nazi's were right.

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

The problem with the human race is it's getting dumber. The gene pool is getting stupidider by the day. Why's that you ask? Cause 90% of the people having fucking kids shouldn't be doing it in the first place. Most kids around here (Fredericksburg, Va..yes it's as stupid as it sounds) are mistakes. They are usually the product a scummy white or black dude whom drives a "pimped out" Honda accord knocking up a fucking 16 year old white chick with bleached blond hair, big thighs, an addiction to AOL 8.0, and enough "attitude" to scare off a herd of elephants. Hopefully by the time shes 17 she will have dropped out of school and gotten a job at Geico so she can order 10 pounds of Chinese food a day and dick out on the tip for the long haired white hippie delivery boy that actually listens to punk rock and plays in a shitty band....N-eee\/\/_a=Z...The ideal way of solving the problem of her reproducing in the first place would have been to leave her in the woods for wolves to eat while she was a child. And the same goes for her children. Listen up bitch - GET A FUCKING ABORTION. Use a fucking coat hanger if you have to. It's your own personal way of saving the world. Think of yourself as a hero. It will only strengthen the human race, and hopefully it will bring people into existence that won't do stupid shit, like "pimp" out a car.

On the flip side, the other part of the problem is smart people aren't reproducing at all. Why not? A couple of reasons actually...they know how to use a condom. They know the "pull out method" doesn't work. They know not to gangbang their best friends 13 year old daughter in front of the Christmas tree for New Years. They would rather spend time bettering themselves than wasting time on a hopeless child that will only show it's gratitude by shitting its pants. If I needed that, I'd buy a retarded person on EBay. Retards poop themselves a lot. And fat people poop their pants too. Can you fucking belive that? What the hell is wrong with people? Eric's tip O' the day - Shit with your pants OFF!


My interview with the President

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

Me: Mr President, whats it like to know you are the most powerful man in the world...you know...besides Batman.

Mr President: I'm pretty sure in a brawl I could kick the crap out of Batman.

Me: I'm not sure I agree with you there. I mean, Batman has that batass utility belt. What if he is packing anti-douche spray?! You'd be fucked...seriously!

Mr President: Are you calling me a douche?!

Me: Would you agree that if you were as rich and powerful as Bill Gates you'd build a batcave and pretend that you're batman?

Mr President: ..but...I am more powerful than..

Me: No no, you suck. I'm pretty sure batman could hand you your ass even as mild-mannerd Bill Gates, lacking batass utility belt and all.

Mr President: Can we talk about anything but Bill Gates?

Me: I see you have a boner.

Mr President: That will happen.

Me: That will happen.

Mr President: Is that a question?

Me: Is that a question?

Mr President: Oh...haha..I get it..Super Troopers! haha!! "FARVA"S NUMBER ONE!!!"

Me: Hell yea, nigga.

Mr President: Ever kissed a man before?

Me: A couple of ti...hey, I'm the one with the questions...Mr Fancy Pants!

Mr President: Oh yea...my bad. Go ahead.

Me: So....ever kissed a man?

Mr President: Not yet, but I have homo-erotic thoughts when I'm fucking my hot ass drunk daughters in their gravy flumes.

Me: Really?

Mr President: No, they arent hot. And they smell kinda weird....like Jason Alexander was all up in them.

Me: Word on the street is he's been selling his crotch sent as a rare perfume to stupid celebirties. Do you think you're a stupid celeberty?

Mr President: Yes.

Me: I agree.

Mr President: What?

Me: On to my next question....you really only blew up Iraq cause it's full of brown people, right?

Mr President: I fucking HATE brown people! They smell so weird...and hae those dots...the fucking dots look like a laser scope aimed just right to fuck them out of thier brains! I mean...they are practically *begging* to be killed! And they are the color of poop! What the FUCK is up with that?!

Me: Dude, you're on fucking crack.

Mr President: Yea, want some?

Me: Kinda...

Mr President: Ok, finish this Pepsi. Then smoosh the can down and poke some holes in it. Ill get some mesh wire and we will have a badass crack pipe.

Me: THats kinda....weird....

Mr President: Nah, the mesh works good. Here, I've got some in my pocket.

Me: Dude, are you gonna get me stoned and rape me?

Mr President: Im not gonna promise I won't.

Me: Dude, you are way fucking cooler than Vince Neil. That fuckin guys a dickface.

Mr President: He's got hot hips. I'd hit it.

Me: Word up.



AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago The new Dave Brockie Experiance CD came out yesterday, and after four (4!!) fucking trips to Best Buy the dumbassholes finally found it for me buried underneath a pile of dingo corpses. Here's a track that I'm currently hard for.

Dave Brockie Experiance-I Wanna Be A Squirrel

Oh yes I wanna be a squirrel

You know I wanna be a squirrel
Without a trouble in the world
I'd live up in a tree
And I'd be so happy
Yes I wanna be a squirrel
I also wanna be with you
Instead of haunting bars
We'd be out chasing cars

When we fall in love
We Can't pick the day
Squirrels they never fall
Happier that way!

Because I wanna be a squirrel

Oh yes I wanna be a squirrel
And would you be my squirrelly girl?
I'd throw my nuts at you
Then we'd have a chew
Because i wanna be a squirrel
I also wanna be a Narwhal
I'd swim around your boat
And you'd jump down my throat

When we fall in love
We can't pick the day
Squirrels they never fall
Happier that way!

Whistle while you work
Hitler is a jerk
Bit his wienie
Now It dosen't work!


My advice to you is...

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

...Some people are cunts. Don't be a cunt.

The following people have made a day good for me in recent time. These people are not cunts:

Miss Leah
Mary McD
Jason T.
Mulletfucker Mike


Fuck you..no....Fuck me.

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago I decided today that I don't give a fuck about anyone I encounter all day - unless they somehow can effect the amount of sex I have. Stupid twat cum-guzzling customers can shout all day at me, and I'll shrug it off until it somehow impedes on the quantity of sex I get for the evening. If somehow they negativity impact my pussy plundering they shall feel a wrath or rage that would make Stalin proud. But on the other hand (the one not covered in gooo) if they can find a way to positively effect my cunt napping, I'd love to offer then a handshake and a cookie (cream filled).Ultimately, this really means the only person I ever have to worry about is Leah. And also, don't fuck with Leah..cause when she comes home in a bad mood I never get any, no matter how tight the pants I happen to be wearing are.


The Band Formally...blah blah blah...

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago We got two rough mixes of songs up on the net. ROUGH i say! Some vocals will be redone, some mixing will be done, and some pigsticking will be done. In other news, Will and I wrote and recorded parts of a new song today. Rock and cock. Downloadage:


By the way....we still haven't come up with a band name yet. Its in the mail.

Update: June 21-The song "Chips and Salsa" has been removed due to Clint and I being the biggest wankers in the world.


The Triumphant Return of....some pigstickers.

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago Yea it's offical, The Jeff Mullins Band has reunited for another album (although we won't be called "The Jeff Mullins Band" anymore due to Jeff's current assumed hatred of me I'm worried I'd wake up with him crouching above my bed drooling blood with a knife in his teeth ready to slit my throat)...

N-E WAYZ...we have written about four songs and recorded parts of three. They are good. They are quite a bit different than the old cd though. Yesterday we put the finishing touches on a song about Will (that he happens to want to send Jeff after me for) that I think is pretty good! Today Will and I stood around the house in our underwear and recorded drums and guitar to a song we all wrote yesterday, and later Will's gonna add bass - hopefully in a thong. We will get Clint to put down his vocals sometime next week I suppose. When we get something totally mixed, I'll post it up for you eager kids. I'm off to the land of bacon, sex, and my mom. Latex.


Annoy the Neighbors

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

I have a new house.
I have new neighbors.
I like pirate flags.
The neighbors don't.
I like to play drums.
The neighbors don't.
I like to have my new driveway installed at 7am.
The neighbors....don't.
I am ok with all of these things.


Definition of the Day: God

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago

-An imaginary father figure used to scare little kids into not masturbating.

-A clever illusion designed by the mentally ill to keep human civilization from reaching the stars. An illusion created to prevent humans from accepting that they die and decay away like every other living being, and to effectively control the gullible, stupid majority of the human species.

-Takes full credit for your accomplishments, but is never to blame for your failures.

-Billions and billions of people all sharing an imaginary friend.

-A phrase that people repeat over and over during sexual intercourse.

-An old man in the sky who cares *way* too much where you put your penis.

-Something people look for but find religion instead.

-The universe's first pimp, he created Earth as his crib to hang with his homies and hos.

-Invisible Grandpa.

-A fictional character created by early human beings of many cultures and locations around the world to explain their existence and natural phenomina they do not understand

-An uberleet haxor (You may be root, but I am God)

-Idea used to control men, women and children into believing they should follow rules and regulations created by man so they will not go to an imaginary location (hell, heaven, etc.)

-That guy who looks at you when you're touching yourself. He also has the power to shrink male gentails at his will.

-A really tall dude that will pimp slap you with a lightning bolt.

-My cat.


Yo Check Out This Ride

AsnFkr AsnFkr writes  |  more than 11 years ago I fucking love The Aquabats. They released a few new demo songs. The recording is rough, but the rock is present.
Download this song:
Aquabats-May 9 2003-Yo Check Out This Ride (Demo).mp3

Sing Along:
Yo, I'm A freak.
I'm so unique.
I'm rockin' dubs
On My Honda Civic
My woofers woof
My tweeters tweet
I've got A different ride
For every day of the week

So where my ladies at?
Well comeon ladies lets go for a ride
Cause we got stoopid cash
we're gonna throw it out the windows tonite

So check it out
What exactly are we checking out?
We're just cruzin around
Checking out each other
Checking each other out!

This car (This car!), I drive in
This vehical, that I ride in
So hard (So hard!), So Stylin'
Makin all the ladies we pass start cryin

Yo! Yo do you want to take a ride?
Lets go baby!
No she dosen't want to take a ride!
You gotta check out this ride!

Yo check out this ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!
Yo check out this ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!

I'm wicked sweet!
I'm rollin deep
More rap cd's than I got seats
My Kias smooth
I've been approved
This credit card, will put you in the mood

So where my ladies at?
Well comeon ladies lets go for a ride
Cause we got stoopid cash
we're gonna throw it out the window tonite

So check it out
What exactly are we checking out?
We're just cruzin around
Checking out each other
Checking each other out!

This car (This car!), I drive in
This vehical, that I ride in
So hard (So hard!), So Stylin'
Makin all the ladies we pass start cryin

Yo! Yo do you want to take a ride?
Lets go baby!
No she dosen't want to take a ride!
You gotta check out this ride!

Yo check out this ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!
Yo check out this ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!

I bought a 91 Celica
I lowered the back
I drop some duece
With some juice on the front of my gat
And I ain't braggin'
My back is draggin'
I got this fresh whale tale on my lowered covered wagon
You peeps is getting panic attacks
When i roll thru Iraq
With a sack of fat stacks
An airbrush of Shaq
On my Cizzadillac
And you know it's hard
I got A haunted house black light under my car
And I'm freaking people out dawg!

This car (This car!), I drive in
This vehical, that I ride in
So hard (So hard!), So Stylin'
Makin all the ladies we pass start cryin

Yo! Yo do you want to take a ride?
Lets go baby!
No she dosen't want to take a ride!
You gotta check out this ride!

Yo check out this ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!
Yo check out this ri-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ide!

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