Converting candidate responses from legalese to English, please wait...*
Question 1: Innovation and the Economy:
BO: I plan on dumping at least twice as much money into corporate pocketbooks via the continued fucking-up of the US intellectual property process. Oh, yea, and I plan on hiring a shitload of STEM teachers to prep future patent lawyers, er, "engineers" for this task.
MR: Less taxes and regulation for businesses, more H1B Visas and foreign "trade agreements" that take jobs away from Americans.
Question 2, Climate Change:
BO: Sure, it's a problem, but I've already dumped a shit-ton of your money into the "clean energy" companies my buddies own, as well as attempting to set up a "carbon credit exchange" scam, er, system, that would have funneled even more taxpayer dollars into the hands of my campaign contributors - what the fuck else do you expect me to do about it?
MR: Probably bullshit, but I won't let my disbelief in the concept prevent me from using this as an opportunity to badmouth my opponent and recommend further redistribution of wealth to my also-rich homies!
Furthermore, since China doesn't give a fuck about the environment, I don't think we should either.
Question 3: Research and the Future:
BO: Uh, like I said before - more of the public's money given to corporations so they can privately profit; seriously, what don't you guys get about that?
MR: Agreed, with the caveat of, you guessed it, less regulation for the same corporations. After all, corporations are people, and if you can't trust people with your money...
Question 4: Pandemics and Biosecurity:
BO: ... Pass.
MR: Less taxes and regulation on business... Oh, and more public surveillance. How are we supposed to know who's sick if we're not watching you all 24/7?
Question 5: Education:
BO: Earlier in my administration, I proposed adding 100,000 STEM (science, tech, engineering, and math) teachers... just don't ask how that's going...
MR: Education is a serious issue these days... which is why I recommend busting teachers' unions, defunding public schools in favor of private "charter" schools, and of course, blaming the current abysmal state of education solely on my opponent.
Question 6: Energy:
BO: Hey, I mentioned giving fuck-tons of taxpayer money to my buddies who run "clean energy" companies, right?
MR: I disagree with my opponent; I think we should be giving fuck-tons of taxpayer money to the oil companies my buddies run instead.
Can I getta 'Keystone Pipeline,' anyone?
Question 7: Food:
BO: Food safety was pretty fucked up when I came to office, so I made new rules that changes what qualifies as 'fucked up.'
MR: More government regulation and taxes. Hey, if those agri-business chumps want the same deal I give the oil and pharmaceutical companies, they need to pony up some campaign bucks, ya dig?
Question 8: Water:
BO: My administration has invested millions in fresh water conservation and restoration efforts. Granted, these programs would have existed anyway regardless of who held this office at the time, but hey - I do, so I get to take the credit. Suck it, Bush.
MR: Disband the EPA, less regulation on businesses, privatize the 'fresh water industry'.
What could possibly go wrong?
Question 9: The Internet:
BO: I promise to ensure online freedoms, granted they don't run afoul of all the new intellectual property and civilian surveillance we have/are coming up with.
Ha ha, remember when I told you I was going to veto CISPA? Suckers...
MR: The internet is for businesses to make money off of. Period. End of discussion. If you're somehow, some way preventing businesses from making as much money as possible from the internet, my administration will come down on you like fucking Mjölnir, you filthy fucking anti-capitalist pirates.
Question 10: The Ocean
BO: Funneling money into the Gulf to try and fix the problems caused by the Deepwater Horizon disaster. Also, I'll again take credit for several state-level programs I had nothing to do with.
MR: Government should handle this, never you mind. Seriously, we got this one, and unless you work for the government or the industrial fishery complex, it's really none of your concern. Now fuck off, peasant.
Question 11: Science in Public Policy:
BO: Science is, like, important, so I try to have my decisions guided by science. The decisions I let the media get wind of, anyway. Probably not a whole lot of science to, say, monitoring the communications of every American, so we just do it.
MR: Stupid nigger doesn't even know what 'science' is... If he did, he'd know the Earth is only about 6,000 years old, man rode dinosaurs, and Darwin was a Marxist.
Question 12: Space:
BO: Dude - Under my leadership, NASA put a fucking SUV equipped with some serious instrumentation on MARS. More in the works, stay tuned!
MR: Hey, so long as the military industrial complex and my campaign-funding buddies can make shitloads of money off of it, why not?
Question 13: Critical Natural Resources:
BO: Rare earth minerals are expensive, and the Chinese don't seem to keen on cutting us any deals, so my administration is looking into alternative materials that can be gathered domestically. We're also working on some electronics recycling programs that show real promise - stay tuned, more to come.
MR: Government regulation is the problem, not material scarcity; deregulate the mining companies, and the rare earth minerals will flow from the ground like water from a busted hydrant. Oh, also - Drill, baby, Drill!
Question 14: Vaccination and public health:
BO: Look, a lot of people don't get the proper vaccinations because they're just too damn expensive. So, I (and by I, I mean Congress) passed the Affordable Care Act, which... uh, which... OK, so it doesn't really do anything to get prices down, and in fact will likely increase the price of healthcare due to the compulsory insurance purchasing requirement... can't win 'em all! :3
MR: Less regulation for the pharmaceutical industry, and forced inoculation for the entire populace. Small government, you know?
--- END TRANSCRIPT ---