I have some limited ability to use the computer again, so I'm gonna write something. I have no will to write, but I'm going to. I need to.
I am dying at school. I've screwed up, and I continue to screw up there, and I cannot handle the pressure of the whole situation. I hate 90% of the people. I do not understand the teachers. I cannot understand most of the decisions made by the administration. I cannot handle the constant reminders of how I've screwed up.
I cannot get over G1. I thought I had: For a while, I thought I would get together with G2 and put G1 behind me forever. I built up a case against her. Then I read her blog again, yesterday. I have no words to respond to it. I finally sent that e-mail. I'm kind of frightened of it. I don't know what she'll think... but then, who does? The world is a chaotic system.
I, for some reason, always seem to go after women with with self esteem problems. Every girl I've ever really liked has been terribly depressed.
I am an avid reader of online comics. I read all the standard Gaming strips (Ctrl-Alt-Del, Penny Arcade, VG Cats), some geeky ones (Userfriendly, GPF, Nukees), Some more general interest ones (Sluggy Freelance, Sinfest, and this bizarre little one called Sacred Pie), but the vast majority are love stories. Bad love stories. 90% have the basic premise of "Boy is geek, Boy meets girl, Fall in love, but never tell each other." it's sad, really. I'm sure I'm imagining everything I've seen with G1, and G2 is RIGHT THERE, but I keep waiting for signs from G1 and beating myself over the head with it. I'm really sad that way.
Grades came on wednesday, which is why I haven't posted. My grades suck, though they sucked worse than I thought they had...
Best christmas present my school could have given me, grounding and thoughts of suicide. I had been planning to go on a date with g2, but that's looking hard to do. Without my computer or video games, I don't really know what to do. I'm not much of one for the phone, so I don't know any of my friends phone numbers to call them.
I didn't really ask for anything for christmas. I don't care to get anything except out of that school. Contemplating it, which is all I've been able to do for the past two days, makes my head hurt. I'm now totally convinced I'm insane. I've contemplated a million ways to destroy it, to kill the teachers and staff who have haunted me since I got there. I cannot survive going back on the 3rd... I can't even contemplate what I'm going to do over break.
In latin for the moment. My shirt is wet. The EB had a mini super-soaker that he was squirting at people. I play acted play acting mad, so that he wouldn't realize what an ass I think he is.
G2 is getting scared, I think. She's been clinging, which I don't like. But she's also been getting more physical, which I do. J says that being physical with women is the trickiest part of a relationship, which is about the only bit of his dating advice that I'd agree with.
I think G2 has some clue that there's another I'm interested in, but I also think she's scared of turning into her sister, who is by all accounts a slut. I think I'm going to ask her out (again, though the first was vague enough that it quickly and painlessly turned into just a "movie with friends". Not a terrible outcome, all in all).
G1, though, will get that letter. I'm going to send it pseudonymously, and I'll probably post any replies to it. I dunno what the pseudonym should be, though. Probably "The Laughing Man", From "Ghost in the Shell: Standalone Complex", though that's entirely too obvious from me... Several others have seen it, but it's another one of our "in-jokes".
One thing I hate about being in high school, and being older in general, is how hard it is to build new friendships. In kindergarten, you could just go up and say "Hey, wanna be my friend?" and that was that. In high school, there's too much worrying about what people think and being "gay" and ... It would be nice if you could pick up and drop friends and friendships more easily. I really don't want to be friends with some of those who I'm friends with, but I am and I have to maintain the status quo to avoid awkwardness.
A love letter
Subject: Let me be with you
I love you. You're everything that anyone could ask for. Just so you know, in the dark hours, that you're special and someone cares.
Another blog entry today, because I feel like it.
I've decided, after study hall, that I'll have to just say something. Make it anonymous, but make it guessable. Include a calling card: Something that may let her guess, but not something freaky.. I don't want her to think I'm a stalker: She's had a problem with that. I'm thinking of referencing chobits: It's a common favorite.
Please... Let me get what I want
G1's finally gone from across from me in study hall. I can't get over her. Why I can't I can't fathom, but she just keeps running across my mind.
I didn't write yesterday. I probably should have, but I couldn't see a reason. All of yesterday was dreading school and trying to drown the anticipation all that would be due today in games.
One of my friends, EC is arguing with a girl, Suzie (unimportant character, so she's getting a full first name), in my study hall. She's trying to get his crush out of him. It's kinda interesting to hear her opinion on the whole subject of dating. She's of the opinion that it's best to just say it, without fear of rejection. Of course, she's never had the fear of being rejected.
I'm perfectly happy today, except for my pining over G1. It's kinda sad. I had girls fighting over me (literally, g2 and one of her friends were having a mock battle over who I liked better.), but I don't care because I'm too deeply enamored with another.
Today was one of those "Uber" days. Truly awesome.
The start was kinda crazy. I drove to the mall, where I got Christmas presents for my family. "Princess Diaries 2" for my sister, "Rush Hour" (the silly puzzle game) for my little brother, "The Dark Tower" for my Dad. My mother's tea chest may not get here though... I'm gonna keep hoping.
Then it was off to Strikers, who I want to again wish a Happy Birthday. I got him "Aliens". Great movie, defines the "Sci-Fi Action" genre. We chatted and ate pizza for ~2:30, then went off to Dave and Buster's, which is THE best arcade in existence. I hope that when I'm off to college, there's one near me.
Then, upon coming home, I IM'd g2 and chatted for a while. Played my mad pimpin skilz, yo.
Better Living through chemistry
R has been throwing herself at me. I'm really not interested. She's a nice person, but.. I don't know.
I hate how high school has become a babysitting service. You crawl your way up on mounds of homework for an "A" to get into a good college. None of the teachers begin to teach anything. What you may learn you learn from asking around and from researching yourself to try and keep up with the tests and homework. Class periods are spend trying to stay awake while the teacher wastes time.
Forensics, which I'm in now, is an excellent example of this. There are no hard facts on tests, no real identification, no nothing. The teacher piles homework on us. The other students are morons. I've got no hope remaining for it.
All I've really talked about here is how I hate school and the girls around me. I need to change that. Tomorrow, I'll try and post something that's interesting.
Again in study hall. Packing up... I've got sci club this afternoon. Have I mentioned how g1 seems to run when g2 is around? It's really annoying. G2 is nice and all, but she's throwing herself at me too much...
What I really need to find is whether it's worth perusing g1 over g2, and whether I can convince myself to the result.
You've got to hide your love away
What is now yesterday has passed without an entry.
It doesn't feel like yesterday to me. I woke up at 6:20, as usual, but I went back to sleep before 7 because I was sick. I'm much better now.
Once again I'm feeling infatuated with G1. She's so quiet, calm, and controlled when she wants to be, but when she wants she can be loud, nasty, and psychotic. Better yet, she can find a perfect blend of those two personalities, not just switching but using them as if they were her right and left hand.
Being home was not as interesting as it should have been. I mostly lay in my bed sleeping and fighting off vomiting. It was, also, partly about a physics lab I should have done, but that was just the clincher.
I'm really going to start studying. Striker had a point: G1 is looking for someone studious but not too so, which is probably part of why she ended up with the EB.
Today hasn't been a good day for my thoughts. G1 totally ignoring me at a couple points (And I don't know why), g2 telling me, of all the odd things, that RS is hot, three tests... I've been cut off from sanity. As it is, I've got a huge lab report to do and two major projects to start.
First off: G2. She's probably just teasing me or trying to make me jealous I think her best friend has dibs on RS. Still, it was kinda odd having a conversation with a romantic interest about how sexy your best friend is.
G1: I don't know, I don't know if I want to know. I'd like to get her out of my head and be done with it. Of all the people I know, though, she's the one who understands me most. I can talk to her about anything, except how I feel.
Let me be with you
Yesterday's blog was not some of my best work. I was angry and upset at the time. What I said was true, but not the whole truth. But what is the whole truth?
Truth is a nebulous concept. I find myself constantly questioning it. To many, it is the truth that abortion is immoral, but to others it is the truth that denying the right of choice is immoral. Perspective affects truth.
So everyone has their own truth. What then, is my truth? What is love? What is hate? What is the point of living? What is the point of dying?
I think I need to go back and describe yesterday. I basically did only two things: Trimmed the tree and went to a party. Trimming the tree was... Interesting. I like Christmas, but I hate decoration. My family always gets a huge tree. 14 feet is a "Small" tree for us. Decorating it, therefore, is a hassle. If we spread it out over a couple days, it wouldn't be a problem, but the big "tree trimming celebration" bugs me. I can't stand being with my family for too long.
Then I went to my friend, RS's birthday party. He's probably the best of my friends, but he's also a bit of a misfit. I'm not sure why. We played Mario kart for a while, then went to see a movie. G2 was there, and I did flirt, but due to some weird circumstances I didn't manage to sit next to her. Funny story: There were three girls at the party. At the movie, during the trailers, some heartthrob came on the screen for literally two seconds (I didn't even know who it was. All three girls screamed, and I mean SCREAMED at the top of their lungs. The entire theater stared at the group, and all the guys were extremely embarrassed. Next trailer, though: Hitchhikers guide. It starts off with some text, then the earth explodes, and I immediately got it. Stood up, SCREAMED, Did my happy dance, and then my friends next to me pulled me back into my seat.
As I'm wtiting this, it's still early, so I may post two entries today. Probably this during lunch, and then another after school.
It's just after physics, which I have with g1. G1 is smart: Hands down, she's the smartest person I know. She's also very funny, and very deep. I see in her the same seeds of dissent that I have. However, we're both shy beyond belief. And I'm not sure... There is the EB between us. And I know there's some cultural pressure on her. I don't know if I could ever be with her. The funny part of it is one of our private jokes: The theme to "Chobits", entitled "Let me be with you".
But am I just seeing what I want to see? That's the rub. I know that people will see what they want to see. I know I'm not immune. I just wrote a biting essay for my LA class that criticized a poem for doing exactly that.
G2 is a nice person, but I wouldn't give her a second look romantically if I could be with g1. But I'm not sure. I'm not sure at all.
Secrets of the Final Chapter
Why can't my parents listen? I've been telling them for years I cannot survive this school system, and they keep sending me back. It's partially my fault: I want to try and live a normal life, but every year it becomes apparent that this will be no different than the rest and they force me to stick with it. Nothing is worth this. Not sex, not money, not even knowledge (not that I would get it here) is worth going back to the slog tomorrow.
Maybe I should cut. What can they do to me? Suspension: Been there, done that. Doesn't matter, I learn nothing in class anyway. They kinda overuse it at my school, and inappropriately, often it's more like a vacation. Detention: They don't give traditional detentions at my school, only Saturdays. And the penalty for missing a Saturday is just another pair of Saturdays. But, because of teachers union rules, they can't make you do them after the school year is over, so they're dropped. I could just cut those for the rest of the year, no problem. Expulsion: That's exactly what I want: Out of the school. I'd rather be expelled than go through it on more day, but I've been too much of a wimp to do it.
Just got home, and I'm not sure what to write tonight. Mostly, this blog has been about my pain and fears, my hopes and sorrows, and the people I interact with. I've interacted with others today, but it's been a bright day. Fun for all, I did some things I wanted to do, and I feel better. However, every Saturday I feel better, then Sunday comes and school is just around the corner and I get depressed again.
My Best friend, R, is having a birthday party tomorrow. He mentioned yesterday that he had been playing Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories (the GBA based sequel) on his GBA emulator, so I decided get him that. We're both collectors of games: Having them around and in a library is important. Piracy, while good for knowing what's good, is bad.
G2 will be there. The party is basically just going to a movie, so I'll probably sit next to her. She wrote about me in her blog today... Said she had had a dream where I had died (How, exactly, she didn't remember) and she was really sad. I'm going to take that as a good sign for romance, but I never like to have people predict my death.
I spent most of the afternoon playing D+D at a friend's house. It was fun... I'm the DM, which gives me a certain feeling of power. Currently, the party is trapped in a secret research facility where Mages were working on making larger, more powerful Gate spells when the demon wards failed. It took them a surprisingly long time to get that it was based on Doom, though one member kept saying that it must be based off something and suggesting books and games that it might be based on. I even played a little bit of music to give him some hints: A little bit of 9 Inch Nails, Sympathy for the Devil, The Doom Song, and then finally the Doom 3 theme. Nobody got it. None of them were big FPS fans, though, so I guess I can't blame them.
The "Not a Meme"
x\\ spell your name backwards: k2_ih
x\\ have you ever had a song written about you: Just a really bad rap by a drunken friend.
x\\ what song makes you cry: Tiny Dancer, Elton John
x\\ what song makes you happy: Digital Love, Daft Punk.
x\\ what's your all time fav. song?: Walking on the Sun, Smash Mouth. Though Sandstorm by Darude comes close
x\\ what do you listen to before you go to sleep: too much. I've got several day's worth of OGG's on continuous loop
x\\ height: 5' 6
x\\ hair color: Brown, for the moment
x\\ piercings: none
x\\ tattoos: none
r i g h t _ n o w . . .
x\\ what color pants are you wearing: blue jeans
x\\ what song are you listening to: Secrets of the Final Chapter, Chaosmachine
x\\ what taste is in your mouth?: Pure water
x\\ whats the weather like?: Really disgustingly rainy
x\\ how are you?: Pretty OK.
x\\ get motion sickness?: Nope
x\\ have a bad habit?: Scratching my head
x\\ get along with your parents?: Pretty well. As well as a teenager can
x\\ have a current crush: Heh. My previous journal entries handle this one pretty well
x\\ have a big regret: Going back to school.
f a v o u r i t e . . .
x\\ tv show: TV? You mean the playstation monitor?
x\\ conditioner: Whatever is on the shelf
x\\ book: Enders game
x\\ non alchohol drink: Mountain Dew
x\\ alchohol drink: Not really applicable, but I happen to find a good Sam Adams summer brew quite pleasing
x\\ things to do on the weekend: Curl up under a blanket and play a Square RPG
h a v e _ you _ e v e r . . .
x\\ broken the law: Many a time
x\\ snuck out of the house: No.
x\\ ever gone skinny dipping: Only accidentally
x\\ made a prank phone call: No
x\\ tipped over a port-a-potty: No
x\\ use your parents credit card: All the time
x\\ skipped school: For all I hate it, no
x\\ fell asleep in the shower/bath: Every morn
x\\ been in a school play: Nope
x\\ had a boyfriend/girlfriend: no...
x\\ had children: Only in The Sims
x\\ been in love: SamTheButcher and Organized Konfusion are still debating that one
x\\ have a hard time getting over someone: Most certainly
x\\ been hurt?: too often
x\\ gone out with someone you only knew for 3 days: No
r a n d o m . . .
x\\ have a job: Kinda.
x\\ your cd player has what in it right now: Been ogg only for a year
x\\ if you were a crayon, what color would you be?: Blue
x\\ what makes you happy?: Making others happy
x\\ the next CD you're going to buy: Buy?
w h e n _ was _ t h e _ last _ t i m e . . .
x\\ you got a real letter: All the time from colleges
x\\ got an email: 5 hours, 11 minutes ago
x\\ thing you purchased: A bunch of Teddy bears from the Breast Cancer society
x\\ Tv program you watched: Kingdom Hearts?
x\\ movie you saw in the theaters: Spongebob Squarepants
x\\ kissed: ...
x\\ hugged: Yesterday
x\\ song heard: The Chain, Fleetwood Mac
x\\ place you were [ besides home ]: A client's house
x\\ phonecall: Called some friends over for starcraft this afternoon
x\\ you were depressed: This morn. Waking up
x\\ you were in the hospital: Cannot remember.
w h a t _ comes _ t o _ mind . . .
x\\ car: pet
x\\ murder: OJ Simpson
x\\ cape: may
x\\ penis: freud
x\\ cell: phone
x\\ shoe: lace
x\\ fun: key
x\\ crush: G1
x\\ music: video
x\\ chalk: bored
n u m b e r . . . :
x\\ of time you've been in love: One? Two? Zero?
x\\ of girls you have kissed: none, unless you count my mother.
x\\ of boys you have kissed: None
x\\ of times your name has appeared in a newspaper: 4. For math team awards
x\\ of scars on your body: Don't keep track.. Probably around 5
x\\ of things in your past you regret: too many
d o _ you _ t h i n k _ you _ a r e . . . :
x\\ pretty: maybe
x\\ funny: Looking
x\\ hot: I'm too sexy for my shirt
x\\ friendly: 90% of the time
x\\ ugly: Maybe
x\\ loveable: I guess
x\\ caring: As much as possible
x\\ sweet: Whenever I can
x\\ dorky: I'm doing this, aren't I?
f a v o u r i t e . . . :
x\\ actor/actress: The Rock
x\\ least favorite day: Tuesday. Always worse than monday.
x\\ flower: Camellia
x\\ jello flavor: Grape
x\\ summer/winter: Summer
p e r s o n _ who _ l a s t . . . :
x\\ slept in your bed: Me
x\\ saw you cry: I don't cry when others are around
x\\ sent you an email: Someone I'm doing some work for
h a v e _ you _ e v e r
x\\ said i love you and meant it: Yes
x\\ went out in public in pjs: In first grade, we had a PJ day
x\\ kept a secret from everyone: All the time, but never. All my secrets are stored out in the open as jokes
x\\ been to new york: All the time
x\\ to california: Never
w h e n _ was :
x\\ last cigarrete: Never
x\\ last cry: On the question about crying
x\\ last book read: the fourth gunslinger novel by Stephen King
x\\ last curse word uttered: Who gives a fuck?
x\\ last beverage drank: water
x\\ last food consumed: Chicken burritos.
x\\ last phone call: this afternoon
x\\ showered: 6:30 this morning
x\\ last shoes worn: Sneakers, driving earlier tonight
x\\ last cd played: Vegas, Crystal Method
x\\ last thing written: a couple minutes ago
x\\ last word spoken: good night to my parents at around 10:30
x\\ last sleep: 6:00 this morn
x\\ last im: Half an hour
x\\ sexual fantasy: During study hall.
x\\ last ice cream eaten: Three weeks?
x\\ last time wanting to die: Just before I started writing in my journal.
Once again in study hall. G1 is playing a game right next to me. I think anything with her is just a pipe dream, but I just can't stop thinking about her. I don't know if it's love or just mental lust, but every waking moment she's running through my head.
I talked to R some more today. She randomly was in my study hall: She normally has a class, but her teacher was unexpectedly absent. We chatted for a while, then when she left J came up and teased me about her again.
J thinks himself a pimp, but really falls flat. He never seems to have a clue and has decidedly chauvanistic tastes. I mentioned G1 to him once and he just laughed. Luckily, he'd never figure out where this is. Striker knows, but wouldn't tell him (Btw: Striker is short for Striker770S, one of my RL friends. He may be reading this.)
I don't know what to think about OK and STB's discussion on unrequited love. On one hand, I don't think it's productive to spend time loving someone who doesn't love you back, but that doesn't make it any easier to quit.
Here come the warm jets
As I write this, g1 is close enough to touch but out of reach. I'm on the late bus heading out of hell. My sister just got on, but thankfully didn't see me and charged right past. G1 is seated back one row on the opposite side, normally perfect for conversation were it not for my friend J who is sitting next to me, blocking the conversation angle. I've written all of these so far on the bus. Oddly enough, I'm flirting with this girl named R, who is ranting about human behavior. She's kinda interesting, since I swear I've met her a year ago on this same late bus. She suggests her identical twin, which is a possibility. Note: She lives between the chens and p. oaks. Now that she's gone, J is talking about another friend, M's dating problems. Kinda ironic, when he's right in the middle of mine. Now we're almost at G1's stop. Too bad.
This morning started with me over where G1 spends her mornings, in the decidedly nerdy area in the back of the school. She is a studious one, but I think it's mainly based on her locker, which is right in the middle. One of the problems with having a "C" last name. It was going well, the evil boyfriend was busy and not around, but then G2 came up and g1 moved away. Kinda too bad. G2 is getting a little grating, but... I'm not sure. She is just over an extended relationship, and I don't know what that means for the us, present or future.
I've decided, since I'm having trouble coming up with subject lines, I'll just put up a song title.
Luckily, nothing terrible seems to have happened yet.
I was flirting with g2 in study hall today. She is a flirt, but I think I may have something going. KH yesterday was a nice touch. She's insistent that I not get her anything in return, but I'm gonna anyway.
I still haven't gotten over G1, though. What is Knowing someone? I don't think physical contact is necessary. I'd say I Know a lot of the people whose journals I read better than I Know people I've met in real life. I think the anonymity allows people to say things they wouldn't if they were to see someone everyday. This can be good, and it can be bad.
I bring this up because I read g1's blog. I know her in real life, but I think she's more real to her blog than to reality. I don't know, however, if the online persona will ever come out in real life, and I don't know how to merge our online friendship with real life friendship.
Music is a great mood enhancer. It's almost like a drug. It changes, on some fundamental level, how your brain works. The right song at the right time can make all the difference.