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Comments

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Daylight Saving Time Linked To Heart Attacks

MillionthMonkey Re:A simpler cure (240 comments)

I guess you don't have a microwave.

about three weeks ago
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Daylight Saving Time Linked To Heart Attacks

MillionthMonkey Re:Sleep -1? (240 comments)

You mean they actually put clocks on the walls of solitary confinement cells?

about three weeks ago
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Daylight Saving Time Linked To Heart Attacks

MillionthMonkey Re:Sleep -1? (240 comments)

Until they go beep-beep-beep at 6 AM.

about three weeks ago
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Religion Is Good For Your Brain

MillionthMonkey Re:Being forced to submit... (529 comments)

So heaven is available to anyone whether or not they follow your God's law?

That's completely correct, sir. The heavens can no longer discriminate against people who have preexisting sins. See heaven.gov to see whether you qualify for a plan that has a maximum deductible of 5000 years in purgatory before you are 100% guaranteed entrance into heaven.

In Heaven you will sit around passing a bong back and forth with God until the end of time, with occasional teeth cleanings. Gold and Platinum plans are available that include options for 72 virgins, or for your own planet to rule over, or for the next in a series of afterlives as an elephant, then as a tapeworm, then as Ted Nugent, then as a cricket, and on and on until you achieve Enlightenment with an endless supply of meth and the memory of your life as Ted Nugent to serve as a guide.

Say, for instance, that I preach that your particular God sucks donkey balls, would he/she hold that against me?

If you like your particular religion, you can keep it. (Of course that's assuming that people wouldn't tolerate a religion where their God sucks donkey balls anyway- which it turns out, is false.)

We all know a human would, but what about a God?

Well that's the whole point- we obviously can't rely on God to fix the situation on his own behalf. He has his own interests, and would obviously like to discriminate against atheists and heretics, and keep them from entering heaven. After all hey arrive confused and with awkward questions for Him- especially assholes like Stephen Hawking who will instantly start quizzing Him about quantum gravity. He sees it as a waste of His endless time. That's why we needed to make it a law, with a mandate on God to allow all individuals into heaven. Even guys with more money than God now have to face the fact that this is working. So folks, just remember to check out heaven.gov or go to Hell.

about a month ago
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Elon Musk Addresses New Jersey's Tesla Store Ban

MillionthMonkey New Jersey's self / full / obese services (229 comments)

If you approach a gas station in New Jersey and the guy standing next to the pump is 300 lbs overweight, be careful- it could be an ex-governor. Make sure to pull in slowly, give him some clearance, and fill up with 93. He may give you a strange piece of metal as a "gift". If it doesn't enter your skull at high velocity, take it (WTC steel, baby!). Then hand him a nice tip. Otherwise you might have to put the gas cap back on yourself a few blocks up the road- i.e. "self-service".

about a month ago
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Elon Musk Addresses New Jersey's Tesla Store Ban

MillionthMonkey Is it wrong that I'm smiling? (229 comments)

You can't be serious, making an insinuation like that on a good man.

Governor Christie is just concerned about the changes in traffic patterns that would be triggered by allowing electric cars to enter the state's vehicle markets unimpeded. Christie has a vision for the future of New Jersey and it is deeply important to him that municipal leaders across the state share his enthusiasm and goals. Enforcement along these lines would be impeded. Specifically, if the governor were to block off lanes to a bridge within a mayor's district, and everyone was driving electric cars, the smog wouldn't be as good for intimidating or disciplining the mayor. Clearly the traffic issues need more study.

about a month ago
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New Blood Test Offers Early Warning for Alzheimer's Onset

MillionthMonkey What would I do? (86 comments)

I would volunteer for that one-way mission to Mars!

Of course the trip better not take too long, because of the Alzheimer's progression. If I get there too late, I might make a fool out of myself on the mission:

"Hi, Mars, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with us suicidal visitors and everything, but...could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but..."

about a month and a half ago
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Egg-free Flu Vaccines Provide Faster Pandemic Response

MillionthMonkey Re:Great news. (64 comments)

Is she taking time off?

about 2 months ago
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Study Finds Methane Leaks Negate Benefits of Natural Gas-Powered Vehicles

MillionthMonkey Bullshit. (102 comments)

Where you get your information, Rush Limbaugh?

about 2 months ago
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The JavaScript Juggernaut Rolls On

MillionthMonkey Re:SubjectsInCommentsAreStupid (505 comments)

Anyone with even 5 minutes of experience writing multithreaded code will realise that no shared memory, and message passing is far superior as a method of thread synchronisation.

Anyone with even 5 days of experience will come up against a task where it isn't an option.

about 3 months ago
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Device Mines Precious Phosphorus From Sewage

MillionthMonkey That's some funny shit (96 comments)

Good idea- replicate and rev up a natural system, and just farm the P from sewer plants in Jurassic Park. You ever run across a pile of dinosaur shit? It ain't pretty, but sometimes when I get the munchies I think of all that delicious P I could have scooped off, probably more P than those bags of Cheetos in my closet.

about 3 months ago
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Ask Slashdot: Educating Kids About Older Technologies?

MillionthMonkey I never had kids (208 comments)

I figured they'd just eat into my xbox time.

about 2 months ago
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Snapchat Account Registration CAPTCHA Defeated

MillionthMonkey Re:Small problem set (52 comments)

That's exactly what reCAPTCHA (which was acquired by Google) does. For example: screenshot of reCAPTCHA [wikimedia.org].

Sigh... I need a better job...

about 3 months ago
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Snapchat Account Registration CAPTCHA Defeated

MillionthMonkey Small problem set (52 comments)

There are two problems with higher-order processing CAPTCHAs like that. One is the small problem set. A human at the website has to actually think of those connections between plugs and sockets, or umbrellas and rainstorms, or pizza and ovens, or hair and shampoo, etc. So the problem space is small. Then, blindly guessing answers still yields a decent success rate. Your particular example can be guessed with a success rate of 1 in 256.

Blurring a pair of words from a dictionary onto each other automatically generates millions of possible challenges, and random guessing won't work as well- at least some image analysis is needed.

My own idea for a CAPTCHA is to use images from Google Street View. Show random street view images of a bunch of houses, and ask, "what's the house number"? That would probably take a while to crack, long enough for me to dump my startup site's shares before all the porn gets leaked- if not for those assholes at Google interfering.

about 3 months ago
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Snapchat Account Registration CAPTCHA Defeated

MillionthMonkey Re:AmIHotOrNot (52 comments)

Actually, if you do a google image search and actually look at SnapChat's "CAPTCHA", it's unbelievable, like a piece of work from the nineties.

It shows you nine images and asks you to select the ones where the ghost appears. (Random selections net 1 success in 512 right there, and they probably won't show you zero, one, eight, or nine ghosts, increasing success rates to 492 to 1.)

Notice that a ghost or its impostor is always the only white shape in the image. (Sometimes there are also a few white stars, moons, etc.) To improve from random guessing, isolate the white blob, select its center of mass, transform the outline into polar coordinates, perform a Fourier transform, prepare a vector from the Fourier coefficients, and all the ghosts will cluster together in that vector space. (There will also be a star cluster, an apple cluster, a tree trunk cluster, a top hat cluster, a full moon cluster, etc.)

about 3 months ago
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Office Space: TV Documentary Looks At the Dreadful Open Office

MillionthMonkey Re:I like the open plan (314 comments)

Cubicles really suck, especially if everyone has their own. The walls are just high enough so you can't see over them, giving the illusion of privacy. People get together and start gossiping about each other as if no one else can hear them.

about 3 months ago
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Snapchat Account Registration CAPTCHA Defeated

MillionthMonkey Re:"Hickson equates Snapchat's ghost very particul (52 comments)

EMFDYSI?

Fix his sentence by swapping two verbs and add a preposition:

"Hickson calls Snapchat's ghost very particular and equates it to a template that can be matched easily using a computer program."

See? I'm a human, man.

As for "EMDYSI?", I thought that was a CAPTCHA for a second and was about to prove my humanity with an eight-character response.

about 3 months ago
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Snapchat Account Registration CAPTCHA Defeated

MillionthMonkey AmIHotOrNot (52 comments)

One would think they would use an "AmIHotOrNot"-style CAPTCHA- show some snapped images, and ask "who would you most like to have sex with?"

about 3 months ago
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Facebook Is a Plague That'll Burn Out In a Few Years, Says Study

MillionthMonkey NSA is here to stay (338 comments)

You're already signed up. You don't need to press a "share" button for anything. There's no need to spend time wondering whether they're now sneakily holding on to info they shouldn't- the answer is just "yes". You don't get an annoying email every time someone you know gets heartburn. No dumb comments, no stupid advertising. There's no "friends list" to manage, no "unfriend this person" fights- they manage your friends list for you. Someone is always following you and finds you interesting. They're already synced with all your information from other sites. Their stuff works with your phone. New exciting data collection features are coming out all the time. You're already paying for it, so you might as well join, and in fact you did already. It's so easy to use.

about 3 months ago

Submissions

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MillionthMonkey MillionthMonkey writes  |  more than 6 years ago

MillionthMonkey writes "Internet star Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK), has been implicated in scandal: according to the Anchorage Daily News the senator had the first floor of his house lifted off the ground and a new floor put underneath it with the help of a top executive from Veco Corporation, a local oil company. The addition doubled the size of the house (assuming the honorable gentleman from Alaska can still make it up the stairs). The FBI and a grand jury are still investigating- although the Senator's role is still somewhat murky in the scandal, which had previously ensnared his son, Ben Stevens, an Alaskan State Senator. The initial inquiry surfaced last year in August when the younger Stevens' legislative office was raided by the FBI along with five other state-level offices. Four politicians have been charged and Veco executives have already pled guilty- testifying that Ben Stevens received $242,000 in illegitimate consulting fees. Ted has remained clean until now."

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