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The Turd Report 06/13/2004
Harris Teeter has these vividly colored cupcakes. I surmised that if you ate several (3+) of them, it would turn your poop colors. I had noticed this before, but was uncertain if the cupcakes were the source. So, I did not eat for 24 hours before the cupcakes. I ate 6 cupcakes (vivid blue) and this was the result. If you do not see them for sale, they will make them for you.
The Turd Report 11/21/2003 (Double Ed.)
I had a ham & cheese sandwich and a salad (again) for lunch yesterday; I had 6 cookies as well. My ass has decided that ~5:30am is pooping time. This morning's poop took some work to get going. This turd was odd in the fact that it wasn't cylinder shaped, but like a ribbon. It was flattened and about 6" long and looked fiberous. The turd was a medium brown and had a healthy earth smell to it. Clean up took a few extra passes and it flushed easily. I rate it an 8.
I took a rare second poop today as well. This one was while at work. Nothing worthy of note, except for the actual 'event' and what went on during the poop.
I don't like pooping at work. The bowl is too shallow and sometimes my balls dip down in to the water. So, I have to cup my nads what I shit. This is not comfortable. I also have my cell with me at all times. Naturally, it rings just as I settle in. I *have* to take it:
Me: "Uh...Hello, TTR speaking."
Droid: "Hey, this is Joe Salesdroid. I have DonkeyPunch Networks on the phone and they have a big spam problem. I hear your the guy to solve these types of problems."
Me: "Yeah, but I am in the mid..."
Droid: "Great, this is a big customer, I'll bring them on."
Me: "But, I am taking a..."
At the point the customer comes on. I am sitting in a toilet, with my balls in one hand and my cell in the other. I am just gonna have to wing it and try to hold on.
*fast forward a few moments*
Customer: "...and most of what we are seeing there is coming from..."
Me (no longer able to hold on): "Uuuuunnnggggghhhh...*Faaaarrrrrtttt!*...*plop*...Oy..."
Customer: "...asia and we can't determine where..."
Droid: Um, TTR, what is that noise?
Me: "Oh, I am in the crapper."
Me: "I have to wipe here, guys, can I call back in a few minutes?"
I can't rate this turd, because the auto-flush took it away before inspection. I do rate the fact that a customer had got to hear me take a shit as a '10'.
The Turd Report 11/20/2003
The binding effects of the Percocets has passed. (pun not intended) Yesterday, I had a ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread and a small salad. I also had a craving for milk and drank a half gallon after work. I was awoken at 5am by my cat meowing by my head. I woke up, rolled over and started to let a 'Good Morning' fart. I felt a gurgling and welling up in my gut. "That's no fart", I thought to myself as I hopped up and staggered into the bathroom half awake. Everything seems to have left my ass at once. A sudden rush and a sound like that of a potato gun firing mud at a wall and it was over. There was a strong sulphur smell to it. The turd wasn't solid, but it wasn't liquid either. It was a semi-solid; solid enough to plaster itself to the back of the bowl. Clean up was a bit of a mess, but the wet-wipes cleared everything out. Upon flushing, the semi-turd clung defiently to the bowl. A second flush sent it to its fate at the waste treatment plant. I rate this turd as a 7.
The Turd Report 11/10/2003
There is something up with a muscle in my upper leg; the pain is like a punishment from God. My doc perscribed Percocet for me; they tend to bind me up. I hadn't pooped for almost 2 days and this morning the pain in my gut was unbearable. In the past days I had eaten the buffet at Charlie Chang's, a roll-up from Harris Teeter's, 2 cheeseburgers from McD's, and 2-3 pounds of red, seedless grapes. This sat in my gut, like a lead weight. Sitting on the can was painful as the muscle is very tight. Being backed up, I had to push like I haven't pushed a turd in a very long while. After a few minutes, it all rushed from my body in one explosive load. I instantly felt 5 pounds lighter and 100% better. The turd was shaped like grape-shot that they used to use in cannons and was a uniform brown color. I can't comment on odor, as the cat had just taken a poop right before me (and my cat's poop reeks like hot death). Clean up was very easy. The almost painful level of pushing does hurt the over all rating of this turd, but I felt so good afterwards, I'll give it an 8.
The Turd Report 09/21/2003
Yesterday, I had blue crabs and steamed, spiced shrimp from the DC Wharf. I had a bit of tea this morning and that got my ass in gear, as it were. I also had a craving for milk for some reason, I must have drank a gallon of it yesterday. Anyway, this mornings turd started w/o any assistance, but there was a bit of pushing towards the middle. It went quick and there was no gas. I have a touch of a cold, so I can't give a good report on the smell. the turd itself was very loose, but not diareah. There was still a turd shape to it. It was very broken up and it was hard to determine length, but there was a fair amount of poop. It was a light brown color, almost tan. Clean up was easy with 2 whipes and a wet-wipe/dry-wipe finish. I rate this turd a 6.
The Turd Report 09/08/2003
The Turd Report 09/07/2003
This mornings turd was rather solid. It took a second of pushing followed by the relief of the turd breaking thru to splashdown. The turd was in two peices, the main one was kinda ice-creamcone shaped (at 5") and the other was a mini-turd (at 2.5"). They were both uniformly a generic brown color. I found this to be odd, because the roast beef roll I had has these long strips of lettuce in them that stay intact thru the digestive process; this usually gives the turd a racing stripe of green down one side. The odor was masked by the orange floor cleaner that I had mopped with the previous night. Clean-up was very easy and only took a couple of wipes followed with a wet wipe. I rate this turd an 8.
Talkin' With The Turd Report
Many of my fans and friends have asked me various questions during my stint as The Turd Report. I would like to take some time and answer those questions. The fisrt qusetion I would like to answer is: "What is the correct way to wipe?"
Wiping is a critical part of the excremeditation ritual that is performed every day. Having the correct wiping style helps you to have a clean and odor-free butt.
First, make sure you have the supplies that you will need. namesly, you will need toilet paper and wet wipes. I don't have any recomendations for wet wipes, but I do have some suggestions for buying toilet paper. I prefer the cheap 2-ply paper. No lotions, no quilting, no prints. I recomend the cheap paper due to it producing almost no lint when rubbed against your butt. Excessive lint in your butt can cause irritation as the day goes on.
Now, after you have dumped you load, as it were. You are going to need to clean up. First off, determine how messy your turd was. If it was diarhea, or very loose stool, you will need to start off with a large wad of paper. The paper should cover your hand and be thick enough so stop liquid from soaking thru to your hand. This large wad of paper will be used to get the big and messy stuff off of your butt. Once you are starting to get deep into your ass crack, you will want to start using smaller and smaller wads of paper. But, be sure that it is still covering your hand. (You don't want to get a piece of poo on your hand and throw everything off.) Once I have actually wiped my anus with the paper a couple of times, I will break out the wet wipes. Take out one wet wipe and wipe around you anus. You can either use a new one for each pass, or you can fold it over and use the other (clean) side. After 2-3 wipes, the wet wipe should come out clean. At this point, I like to take a small wad of paper and dry off and do a quick spot check.
Now, all that is left ot do is to flush and make a journal entry.
The Turd Report 11/22/2002
The Turd Report 11/11/2002
Oh, my Karma is now rated as 'Excellent'! Wh00t! :)
The Turd Report 11/05/2002
* Teocali was recently reviewed in the Washingtonian, so all these yuppies from DC have oozed into the place. There used to be no one in the place. Now it is wall to wall trendy fuckheads.
The Turd Report 11/01/2002
Yesterday I had two tuna salad sandwiches and a pickle for lunch and a pear afterwards. I also had some zuchinni bread I bought at the farmers market. I didn't feel the need to take a dump until I was at work. I had eaten too much bread so I had to do a bit of pushing to get this on going. It was about 10 inches long and was a light brown with nuts from the zuchinni bread embedded in it. It kept it's shape well and was easy to clean up. It stayed underwater, so there was not much smell to it at all. This was a little better that the average turd, so I give it a 7.
The Turd Report 10/08/2002
I am on a call with a customer about a security concern when it hits. I tell him I need to go look something up and that I'll be back in a bit. I rush to the bathroom. Like Sunday, the turd is quick and sudden; it does not feel like it is a big turd. There is a bit of friction, but then it just slides right on out. I wait a few moments for any stragglers, but that is it. The turd is coiled like an angry cobra with it's head sticking above water. Uncoiled it must be a good 2 feet long and is unbroken. It is a generic and uniform brown color. It has a light 'turd' smell to it, but is not overpowering. My implant has healed up, so clean up was easy and pain free. The auto-flush took the turd 10 seconds after I stood up. It struggled against the current; the head almost grabbed on to the side of the drain. But, it went down in one flush. I feel like I have lost 2-3 pounds with just that one turd. I rate this turd as a 9.
The Turd Report 10/06/2002
Friday, I had 2 Whoppers with Cheese, with no lettuce or tomatoes. I did not have to shit on Saturday nor did I eat on Saturday. This morning, I woke up and started my day. After about an hour, I had a massive urge to take a dump. I scurried into the bathroom and got ready to let one go. It was slow at first then came out all at once. It did not feel as if there was a lot there. But, upon inspection, there was a massive pile of shit rising out of the water. The pile was cone shaped. It was about 5 inches in diameter at the bottom and was 4 inches tall. It covered the drain. I decided it would be best to just flush the turd, wipe, and re-flush. I flushed and the toilet clogged. I was in awe. Just my shit had clogged the toilet. A few moments with a plunger solved that problem and the massive pile went on it's way.
Clean up was ok, but difficult with my implant in my left arm. There was an almost rotten smell to the turd that was very pronounced after the plunging stirred it up. I rate this turd as a 9.
The Turd Report 04/04/2002
The Turd Report 03/29/2002
I have had some exelent turds lately. I ate a spinach salad for lunch and a 1/2 lb burger at Mosley Burger, in Herndon. The mornings turd was a two stage turd. The first was small. Very disapointing. But, 10 minutees later, the main turd arived. It was pretty big, about 18 inches. It was a deep green-black in color. There was a sharp dirt smell in the air. Clean up was not too bad, but not the easiest. It flushed well. I rate these turds as 4 and 8.
ADDED 9:54 3/29:Damn typo...
The Turd Report 02/26/2002
The Turd Report 02/19/2002
Come visit me on Trollaxor.com!
The Turd Report 02/07/2002
The Turd Report 02/05/2002