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We were walking along the backbone of the space-nazi's battle cruiser and we had 10 miles to go before we reached the patch-point susan had instructed us to patch-in to, via the patch kit and patch cable.
"I am a bit famished myself," I agreed. "It would be nice to have something to eat."
my brother turned around and asked, "you guys wan't to have some hotdogs?".
"Hell yeah!" bill gates said. and I said it too.
We sat down and cooked some hot dogs.
My brother, looking down, noted "hey! I can probably patch in right here!"
and bill gates and I were like, "dude, is that a good idea, susan told us to go 10 miles from here down this cavern of such emmensity that words cannot describe! what with the 2 miles up, two miles wide lookin' like we are in some kind of super-sized grand canyon turned on top of another grand canyon, all eeriely lit with the subtle mist and maintenance craft flying about."
So my brother used his crowbar to pry open a flexible piece of the several hundred meter radius backbone line and began ripping wires and fiber out with various suprising electromagnetic phenomena.
the hot dogs were finished! did you cook the burrito's too? was what I asked my brother.
but he was too busy putting wires on his tounge and kicking over toolboxes while cursing to notice.
so i plopped down next to bill who had 5 hot dogs on a plate.
"bill dude!" i laughed, "you are going to eat 5 hot dogs? I mean those are the sausage hot dogs you know, they're quite hearty."
Bill was like, "Dude, 5 hot dogs is all it takes to live."
"dude, I could have made a way better mars rover than the JPL labs". Bill Gates said between bites of his hotdog.
"HA! RIGHT!" I spewed relish and mustard over the exposed circuts of the space-nazi battlecruiser's communication backbone.
"DUDE!" my brother threw a 1/3rd empty can of mountain dew at my head. "DON't DO THAT!"
Bill and I stopped out little argument and I felt a little bit ashamed. "I'm sorry dude, I know you are counting on me not to get us killed. I'll try harder, really I will."
"good," my brother said kurtly, "I've almost got a backdoor installed on this bad boy".
My brother scraped away a few miniscule cubes of vegetable and rubbed the yellow condiment off of the lcd readout.
Bill and I silently watched and waited....
"I totally could have..." Bill piped up.
"Dude, NO you COULDN't have!" I turned my head toward him in frustration.
Bill muttered under his breath, "could'ave" and took a last bite of his hot dog.
My brother now turned his head in frustration, "you guys stop arguing and get serious!"
We were again quieted. My brother spoke, "have those burritos cooled down yet?"
"Oh, yeah the burritos" I had completely forgotten about the microwave burritos. I reached in my pack and extracted 3 microwave burritos wrapped in paper towels. "Cool, their cool. here ya go".
"Hey Bill, you want to put the final touches on this?"
Bill smiled, "oh you bet!" Bill gates took the small handheld from my brother and gripped the stylus. He signed, "bill gates" in his trademark average font.
Some red lights on the glowing circutry turned green, and some green lights turned red, then some purple lights appeared... then some mustard caught on fire, but it went out really fast, and didn't smell that bad.
"With my rover I would have had it flying and taking MOVIES in 3d, yeah! that's what I would have done. That's WAY better than what JPL has done." Bill stood up in the cramped access tunnel. "And it would have been easier to use too." he dusted himself off.
"well?" my brother questioned. "why didn't you then?! the rovers were only like 300 mil apiece! you have billions!" he threw up his arms to emphasize the point.
Bill turned his eyes away, "my idea was too expensive...."
"What!?" I asked. "HUH?" my brother further implored.
"look guys, I have a crapload of money right?" Bill stared at us.
"right." in unison.
"but I just can't bring myself to spend more than exactly 1/10,000th of my net worth on any one thing."
"......." my brother and I looked at each other. "WHAT?"
"well, in my younger days our class was asked to make a list of what we most wanted. I started on my list and a few weeks later I had exactly 10,000 items on the list. So I decided that I would never want something that cost more tha 1/10000th of my net worth."
"you knew what net worth was in elementary school?" I asked.
"pre-school" Bill corrected.
"you made a list of 10,000 things! in pre-school!?" my brother boggled.
"Well, 10,000 things I wanted...it's not really that hard...in fact.." BIll was having an obviously disturbing thought, "maybe I want more..." A troubled look was growing on Bills face as he began counting on his fingers.
a loud noise erupted, it was an alarm.
"intruder detection on zone b 1020304, service access. autonomous security active".
Bills troubled look changed to curiousity and then back to troubled and then to terrified.
Thousands of robotic poof-balls appeared and enveloped us. Within 10 seconds they dissapeared but we were now in some kind of spacecraft hanger. Alone.
It was quiet. My brother asked.
"What was the first item on your list Bill?"
"Oh, a hotdog".
Then a door flew open and a beautiful gigantic blonde woman stood in the opening.
"SUSAN!?" Bill gates look of terror could never be matched...it was a terrifying chapter to be sure.
"Susan, look. I'm married, and a faithful husband to melinda, so I would really apprieciate it if you would put a shirt back on and stop rubbing my my pant's crotch."
Bill Gates was obviously trying his hardest to be nice about this situation, but Susan, the super sexy space nazi turned cohort, was in some kind of genetically induced heat. Bill Gates was trying to force the temptress off of him, but aparently her genetic modifications made her quite the amazonian. "guys! guys! crap! get her off me! shes ripping my shirt!".
I turned to my brother, he turned to me. I spoke, "dude, she's going to totally do Bill Gates if we don't do something about this."
My brother pondered on this as sounds of ripping clothes made their way to our ears. "well, yea. but I really don't see whats so bad about this. I mean, we are stuck in this spacecraft hanger bay without any idea if or when the decryption process will complete...and Susan sexily gave us her user account for this whole process so I think we kind of owe something to her."
I spoke, " well, I mean, that's a good point," Bill was screaming and Susan was grunting as she struggled to tear Bill Gate's belt in two, "but man, he's a married guy, and he's obviously very faithful. I mean, can't you go over there and try to...oh, I don't know...seduce her or somehting?"
My brother rubbed his chin. "well, I mean... I could give it a shot I guess." he shrugged.
My brother then walked over behind Susan and tapped her on her shoulder. Susan swung her head around to meet my brother with a crazed stare. My brother stretched his arms our wide. Then he cried. "TAKE ME MAN-WOMAN! I AM YOURS!"
Susan released her Grip on Bill Gate's belt and Bill fell two feet to the ground in a shredded heap of suit. Susan then lunged for my brother and began ripping his clothes off like a child frantically opening christmas presents.
What followed next, I will not describe.
20 minutes later Susan was lazily smoking a ciggarette peering out at the vast expanse of space. My brother was hastily putting the finishing touches on the piece of code that was to cause a catostrophic explosion in the main reactors of the space nazi's space ship.
Beep, beep, doink. The console my brother was resting his feet on piped up and my brother exclaimed, "hey! it worked!". He quickly transcribed the information from the ships console to his small handheld, beeped a couple buttons and click whoosh, the side entry door across the hanger floor flashed a green light above it.
"ah there you go Susan, that should do you." My brother beamed, susan gave him a sidelong glance, stood up, threw her cigarrette to the ground and waltzed up to the side entry door. She blew my brother a kiss and then dissapeared through the door.
Bill Gates said, "what are we waiting for?!" and began to run for the same door.
"NO BILL wait!" I screamed. "you can't go through there dude, that's space nazi territory!" Bill looked confused. Bill questioned, "then how the freaking heck are we supposed to get out of here?"
"Like this!" said my brother and with the press of a button a house-sized box opened up. Bill Gates jaw dropped to the ground.
Bill Gates stood with his mouth agape. Slowly he raised a finger and pointed, words came slowly from his mouth."I paid for you guys to make a gigantic spider?"
My brother nodded, "yup, a gigantic, REMOTE-CONTROLLED spider!"
I was still pretty impressed we pulled it off. I turned to my brother. "I'm still pretty impressed we pulled it off you know, I mean spider and gigantic translucent oxygen suit and all."
Bill Gates was walking around the behemoth, "it's a wolf spider is it?"
I shrugged and mumbled "i dunno, ask my brother."
Bill Gates said his initial question was intended for my brother.
I apologized and turned to my brother, "It's a wolf spider?"
"What?" my brother asked.
"Is it a wolf spider?" I announciated, "The big ass monster in the translucent oxygen suit."
"oh yea, it's a wolf spider." said my brother as he was making some fine tunings on the remote contol device. "I like wolf spiders, and they are much more amiable than a black widow."
"Amiable, right" it wasn't the choice of words I would have chosen for this tank sized arachnid. words that would have described it better in my opinion would have been...oh... scary as all freaking hell!
beep! The device in my brothers hand made the small beeping noise that I had come to associate with some of the more frightening experiences in my life.
"ok, cool, here we go" my brother stuck a small suction cup to his right temple and extended the antenna from it. Strange subsonic sounds tinged with ultrasonic hisses emminated from the creature as the gigantic spider in the translucent oxygen suit began moving it's front legs up and down. "perfect!" my brother added. Now, go, kill, not us, the door. My brother pointed at the locked doorway in front of us and placed the remote device in his front pocket. About 5 seconds for the spider to process and it sprange to life, pounded the steel floor with its legs, turned like a tank on treads 180 degrees to face the blast door, then charged with biological speed that no fabricated machine could ever hope to muster. The 3 foot thick round steel door buckled like tin foil under the assault of the spider. Three ear splitting hits, and the round door busted open, slamming against the hallways wall. A space nazi guard ran in through the wrended doorway. "what's going on here!?" he asked almost simultaneously as he was splattered against the adjoining wall.
Bill gates had not become un-agape the whole time, but now he looked pale as well. "that was the single most horrific and disturbing thing I have ever seen in my whole life." he said very matter of factly.
My brother looked a little shocked too, "yea, that was pretty gross. I don't feel very good."
I, secretly, thought it was pretty cool. But it was really really messy and I too felt the nausea welling up inside of me.
"Ok, we better get out of here" I said as I slowly inched around the creature and into the hallway. I was making a great effort to not look at the peanut butter and jelly-like remains of the space nazi guard and in doing so stepped on his dismembered arm. "GAH!" I said, "this is not the sort of thing I though I would be doing this evening you know!"
my brother, who seemed to be trying even harder not to look upon the mess on the wall, said "Ok, no I just tell the spider to guard and we should have a clear shot down this hallway to one of the main interface hubs for the ships communication system."
Bill Gates was staring at the the horrific, nacho-esque morbitity before him. "You know, all that rotten.com and steakandcheese must have jaded me, because that is gross. but its not that gross..".
I looked at bill and then I looked at the corpse-spread before me. "Well, yea, I mean, it's not as bad as that bloated fat corpse guy the police found in the hotel room with the porno mags and he had been in there for a week in 100 degree heat. But, that was just a jpeg, this...oh man, look at his intestines.."
My brother grabbed us both, "you guys are going to make me freaking PUKE! have you forgotten that any minute now there will be more space nazis? and they will most certainly make us look alot like homes here on the ground......and er, the wall...and my shoe."
"you're right!" I said. "let's get going billy!"
"don't call me billy." Bill turned a bit red.
"ah bill, sorry man" my brother said. "love you san!"
and my brother and I burst out lauging until a laser bolt flew past our heads.
"to the communications hub!" we all declared in unison, as the spider began attacking like an armadillo in a ketchup-filled-water-baloon store.
"I can't belive you have to use Linux." Said Bill Gates. "I mean, what is so special about this spacecraft's systems that Linux is the only OS that can interface with it?"
I turned to bill and said, "Because my version of XP is cracked the spaceship will be able to tell that something is not right. Because Linux is free and such the spacecraft will do a routine check of the system and judge it to be a valid host."
Bill's mouth dropped open, "you pirate software!?" He was obviously quite shocked.
My brother answered, "of course we do, haven't you ever pirated software?"
Bill gates replied, "heavens no! I can't believe you pirated XP! how could you? it had a serial number that was 25 alpha numeric characters long, there is no way you could have guessed it!"
"Dude," my brother stated. "It's like the easiest piece of software to get a pirated version of. Didn't anyone tell you?"
Bill Gates looked flabbergasted. "My guys told me that it was virtually impenitrable. That no one would be able to crack it. I mean, you know... Because I'm so rich!"
My brother looked at me and I at him. Then we both looked at Bill Gates. My brother spoke.
"Now Bill, while being rich is a reason for a lot of things happening it has very little to do with the propogation of ISO images and serial numbers. I know this may be a bit hard to comprehend, but just becuase you are so nauseatingly rich that I could shit doesn't mean that your employees werent lying to you about the impenitrable security of windows. In fact it's pretty full of holes, don't you read slashdot?"
Bill stood up a little straighter, "of course I read slashdot, just no articles with my cyborg picture above them. They make me mad and I cut my hand once when I punched my monitor. I hate that COYBOY NEAL!!!"
Bill was jumping up and down repeating his deep loathing for slashdot and Coyboy Neil, the.
My brother put his hand on bills shoulder. "Bill, man, don't worry about it. 2000 server was a great operating system. Your NT 5.0 kernel was great. Besides, even though we have to use linux to interface with this spacecrafts systems the virus we are loading into it is written in Visual Basic! doesn't that make you feel better?"
Bill Gates sniffled behind his fogged glasses, "really?" he asked.
"yes bill," my brother responded. "It's a 5k file written completely in VB. See? you did make something good."
Bill gates cheered up a little, "well, that's good news then. Let's blow up these space Nazi's spacship shall we!"
And with that My little brother double clicked on his desktop icon of Tux the linux penguin who was holding the microsoft logo and imediately the lights dimmed and a low rumbling started from deep within the spacecrafts bowels.
deathcloset writes | more than 12 years ago
"So even now as we crawl through these vents the space ship is exploding right?" Asked my brother rather earnestly. "right," I affirmed."In fact because this space ship is so many light seconds long as soon as the main reactor goes we will have 1 and a half seconds before we see the blast." "But I bought us these space time shields you guys developed at such a high cost, and they are going to keep us safe right?" Bill gates asked. I responded, "I hope so. In true cinematic fasion we havent gotten a chance to try them out yet."
Bill gates thought for a second and then responded, "cinematic, like the proton packs in ghost busters right? they never tried those out before they tested them right?" "oh, you betcha!" I said, "and I think a malfunction could be pretty much as bad as what egon said in ghostbusters..." "what did egon say?" bill gates asked "shit I don't know." I said. "I don't have access to the internet right now." "well," answered bill gates."We spent a shitload of money on them so I am going to turn my shit on!" And with that bill gates flipped the little switch on the little pager-sized device on his belt and space and time were innefectual against him. He was outside of all, but able to filter the spectrum to allow visible, non harmful light and audible sound - as well as smell, though the gigaton hydrogen bomb explosion of the ships main reactor may not be the best smelling of events. "fuck yea!" I said to bill gates."you totally didn't phase your own ass out of exsitence!." Bill Gates looked kind of mad. "yOU Mean that I could have been destroyed!" I answered coolly, "Bill, my brotha" I gave him a handshake, followed by a reversal to Thumb-grip, followed by a slideout/snap moving to a double fist punch then we shouldered each other and ended with a two hand slap. "No worries fool, we were here in the space time envelope with you, we would have desintegrated too." Bill sniffled, "good man, I thought you were playing a trick on me." "Aww bil...buddy!" I gave Bill a hug. "Don't worry about it, I like you just the way you are." Bill looked up at me and said, "Thanks bro, that means alot to me. My self-esteem is kind of low at times, I mean, billionare thing aside and all. I then sang "stand by me" as the ships main reactors armor had been pierced and meltdown had led to reaction had finally led to gigaton hydrogen bomb explosion. "We better get to a ship!" I said, "otherwise we will have to float out in space for a while and that would suck, I want to be on the planet when the carcass of this ship goes down." I said "Dude, I totaaly agree" said bill gates. so we found a ship and flew to the planet below.
deathcloset writes | more than 12 years ago
"it's really amazing how the space nazi's spaceships all look just like the Empire's space ships from star wars eh?" Said Bill Gates. We stood atop a moutain watching the flaming remains of the Space Nazis spacecraft falling to the planets surface. I said, "it's a good thing we have these space-time shields around us, because objects of that mass," I pointed to the triangular spacecraft, which was so exactly like a super star destroyer that It was a practical copyright infringment, fracturing the crust of this planet like a knife cutting a pie, "Carving up the crust of this planet like that with all that magma," I said magma like dr evil from austin powers but neither Bill Gates or my brother laughed. I continued. "As I was saying, these space-time shields will allow the super dense mile high waves of magma, sections of earth and other super-physical phenomena of this event to pass by and around us while we watch through visible light and comfotable audio filters." "and I payed for them right?" asked Bill Gates. "yes, you payed for everything homeboy" I responded. "Dope., good times." and we gave each other the esoteric, hip-pop-esqe handshake we had invented earlier when were crawling through that same gigantic, exploding-spaceships vents.
deathcloset writes | more than 12 years ago
So that's the story of how I, Bill Gates, my Brother and all those other people beat the space Nazis and saved the multi-verse. Had the amazing deductive skills I posses coupled with the super dope spaceship piloting and all the other stuff I, Bill Gates and my brother not been, then the whole of the Multiverse would certainly have come under the clutches of the space Nazis. And The simple answer to our amazingly clever way to outwit those who would rule the multiverse/all of creation!?.. we did everything in reverse time with my reverse time machine, and some AI help:) - also pot.
deathcloset writes | more than 12 years ago
One good thing about slashdot is the fact I don't have to worry about it closing down and deleting everything I have posted and created on it. Domainvalet.com was not so accomodating
deathcloset writes | more than 12 years ago
You know. Ternary logic doesn't really seem to apply specifically to AI at all does it?
Basically I just want some damn AI! Like the benevolent kind that runs a perfect technocracy and keeps humans around as pets...Pets with massive bandwidth!