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How Do I Talk To 4th Graders About IT?

ellem pr0n (531 comments)

Make sure they understand that Flash pr0n is not as good as mpeg pr0n and that it's OK to wait 10 minutes to get a whole DVD verses just 3:30 of a movie. Also remind them that EVERYONE on the internet is a 45 year old pervert who wants to touch their private bits. Oh and tell them you work on airplanes.

about 6 years ago


ellem hasn't submitted any stories.



[Danny Says] Who wants flies?

ellem ellem writes  |  about 6 years ago

Danny: Why should I?
Me: You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
Danny: Who wants flies?
Me: I have no idea.


[Sophie Says]This is a sad meal!

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 6 years ago

Me: Sophie what's wrong?
Sophie: You got me a Happy Meal, but there's no toy... this is sad meal!
Me: I'm sorry honey... that's very sad.
Sophie: You will be sorry.


[Danny Says] Danny's Fool Proof Excuse

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 6 years ago

Recently the family was at a hotel. I asked Danny to get me my shoes his reply was, "No. I can't. I'm naked." He was, in fact, naked at that point.

Several days later I asked him to do something:

Me: Danny, beer me!

Danny: No, I can't. I'm naked.

Me: (looking at him) No you aren't. You're totally wearing clothes.

Danny: Not anymore.

And then Danny was naked. In my living room. Naked as the day he was untimely ripp'd from mother's womb.


No, I can't. I'm naked.


You have to admit it's a pretty good excuse.



ellem ellem writes  |  about 7 years ago

So. I was really bored of seeing that other topic. So I started this one. It's not really a topic. It's place holder.


Replying to JEs

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

I don't seem to be able to respond to JEs! Punishment for spending time with Multiply? Hmmmm.


[Multiply] FINE - Update

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

OK, I did it. Now leave me alone!

Fucking fantastic... now I can't sign in at all!


What Is Anna Dead From?

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

What killed Anna Nicole Smith?

Broken heart?
Same drug mix that killed her son?
Howard K Stern?


[Danny Says] Pajamas

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

Me: Buddy, put your jammies on.
Danny: I'm too lazy and I can't float.
Me: fluh


Bill Gates Begs To Be Cracked On Vista

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

In a recent interview here Bill Gates had this to say about security:

Nowadays, security guys break the Mac every single day. Every single day, they come out with a total exploit, your machine can be taken over totally. I dare anybody to do that once a month on the Windows machine.

Listen closely! Can you hear the soft whirring of hard drives loading nessus in Norway and China :)


My VOIPmare

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

I have been looking into hosted VOIP for a little over one year. My company is spread across the US ( with offices from 4 people to 250. I do not have an IT staff that can support the phone systems we have and I need VOIP to attract the best talent in travel. Also this is an excellent opprotunity to upgrade all my switches, routers and add redundancy into an aging and non redundant network held together with SonicWALLs and slender GPOs. I have been through literally 37 different vendors from huge companies to startups. I have done ROIs and TCOs until I can recite them. I know everything that can happen to a VOIP call from a warble to a drop.

I narrowed it down to 2 companies.

Company A has a nation-wide network with PoPs in all the NFL cities and uses a Nortel/Cisco platform. From the outset they have consistently given me inconsistent answers. I am constantly having to ask the same questions over an over. Do we own the phones at the end of 5 years? Are there really VOIP guys on the ground in all the NFL cities? Company A also has a very easy to understand payment plan. In a nutshell give me X dollars per seat we'll give you phones, switches, routers and T1s.

Company B is a New York centric company that is highly regarded in the trades. They run a Cisco/Cisco platform. They have PoP through a 3rd party. They were originally asking us to purchase our own switches and phones. They are plain speakers and are all techs who know their products. They have a system and they run it. They don't deviate from it very much but they made several consessions to get our business.

In the past week I have come to find that Company A either confused or being less than truthful. I will not own the phones at the end of five years. Which is good and bad. Good because I won't own phones at the end of 5 years and bad because I'll be paying for them forever. I have also come to find they do NOT have VOIP guys on the groud everywhere. They will need to outsource some of their jobs. I have no problem with contracting... I have been a contractor! Why it has taken a year to get this answer is my problem. There are other smaller issues.

Initially I thought Company B was infintely more technologically skilled than Company A. I think now Company A may be more technologically adept with a better network but I simply don't have any confidence with them. At the end of the day I suspect either company can do this job. I just don't think I can deal with Company A.

The sad part is if Company A had been prompt and correct with their answers I'd probably already be using them.


ellem's Profound Statement V011.001

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 6 years ago

Never let a pretty woman cut in front of you in traffic. They never pull over and give you oral sex. It never happens.


Saturday Morn @ The Moran's

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

Lynda: Want tea?
Me: Yeah. *strum strum strum*
Lynda: Sugar?
Me: No.
Lynda: So two sugars?
Me: No sugar.
Lynda: Sugar?
Me: No, no sugar.
Lynda: I'll put sugar in.
Me: *strumstrumstrumstrum*
Lynda: Don't you play "I Used To Love Her" menacingly at me mister!
Me: I hate sugar.


[Book Review] Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

Lamb is an excellent book and I really can't recommend it enough. Lest we forget it was recommended to me by ShadowWrought.

While you need not be a Bible or History Scholar to really "get" this book it helps some. There are sly nods and asides that you'll know get if you know the New Testament and generalities about Christ that are hysterical. On the history side you must be willing to forget a few things like Kung Fu being invented long AFTER Christ was dead... but come on you need to know what Christ would do if he knew Kung Fu!

And that's Chris Moore's style in a nutshell. The entire book is written from Biff's (Levi Who Is Called Biff) recollection in a very offhand sarcastic (Biff invented Sarcasm) manner that is fun and easy to read. I found Chris Moore stylistically closest to BB King. That's right, BB King. Moore, like King knows when to shut up.

And fear not Christians this is gentle text and while not for the prudish or moral maniacs it is not a Christian bashing book in any way. In fact it's a nice look at Jesus (or Josh) as a human being. And should you be a Buddhist there a really well done section in the book for you too. Other religions don't fare nearly as well but Christ if the section on The Untouchables doesn't make you laugh out loud, you might be dead.

I don't want to give away a lot I just want to highly recommend this book. I got mine from Amazon but you can probably get it used or whatever really cheap. Worth whatever you pay for it.


[Stomach] Vomitfest 2007!

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

So yeah... My new vomiting day is now Monday. So basically I wake up at about 2AM knowing I'm going to be throwing up until about 8AM. Yeah, no I hate that too.

The order has changed though. Used to be:

Acidy stuff w/ food
Foamy stuff / no food

Now it's:

Foamy Stuff w/ no food
Acidy stiff w/ no food

This is especially inconvenient because I generally need to work on Monday Mornings.

The puking is also annoying because it is preceded by searing lower back pain. I'm no manlier than anyone else but I'm pretty numb to most of this pain but the timing is very off-putting. I'm hoping to have this puking moved to Friday.

Yes, I'm going back to the Drs.


Promotion and Raise...

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

I'm now a CIO and I make fuckload more money.

I'm really uncomfortable with the title. I don't think I'm a CIO. I'm not even a CTO. I only have like 11 people directly under me and I only support about 700 users (UK to CA).

I'm really a Sys Admin with a tie.

I'd be embarrassed to put CIO on my resume. I'm so not a CIO. I saw one once. He looked wealthier than me.


[WTF] What the fuck is this thing?

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

This makes Mr Sparkle seem coherent! I am disrespectful to dirt! can you not see I am serious?

WTF is this?


The 9th Circuit Court Needs To Stop

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

What has the 9th Circuit Court done to forward jurisprudence exactly?

I mean why?

A federal appeals court on Tuesday vacated the sentence of "millennium bomber" Ahmed Ressam, who was arrested near the U.S.-Canadian border and convicted of plotting to bomb Los Angeles International Airport at the turn of the millennium.

I am open to hearing the good they are doing.


[WGAS] Scientists to Move Doomsday Clock

ellem ellem writes  |  more than 7 years ago

Except for a really good Iron Maiden song about the clock and the really great image on the back of each Watchmen comic Who Gives A Shit about the Doomsday Clock? These chicken littles have been wrong for over 50 years.

Read if you Give A Shit here.

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