Manifesto de Vivando Merde
Recently there were some 'Parting
Words.' That got me thinking. Here are some "Staying Words"
Manifesto de Vivando-Merde (or, shit to
(1a) Want my respect? Earn it. You will get it no
other way. You will not get it because you have kids, because you are
black/white/male/female/christian/fag/short/fat or anything else. You will never
get any respect if you use of those things as a crutch or as a tool to get
attention. You have no right to my respect, it is a gift from me to you, a
reward for not being a dumbass.
(1b) If you get respect, you will know because I
listen to you, I will help you, and I might watch your back. You might even get
invited to lunch. But remember, you can lose my respect in a heartbeat. Just
like all things in life, earning it is harder than losing it.
(2) Want to get treated like you are worth
something? Do something worthwhile. Finish something before it is due, do it
better, do it well, or figure out how to do something more effectively. Above
all, do not inconvenience me, that makes you worth less than nothing to me, more
of an obstacle, to be dealt with accordingly.
(3) Want me to be friendly to you? Shut the fuck
up. I will come to you when I want to talk to someone. If I am not talking, it
is because I have nothing to say to you. If I am not listening, it is not
because I didn't hear, it is because you are blathering about nothing important
to me. I already know what is going on with you, because you told everybody else
three times already. I can hear, I can hear a lot better than you think. I can
hear you breathe in the dark. What makes you think I do not already have the
information I want?
(4a) If I want you to take something personally,
you'll know. Trust me, you will.
(4b) If you take something personally that I did not
intend for you to take that way, you are not only stupid, but also arrogant. If
I meant you, you would be painfully aware I meant you. There is no need for you
to assume I mean you. If I do, you will know.
(5) If you act like, or say you know something...
You'd better. If not, you will be made miserable and encouraged to go elsewhere.
How far you are forced to go, depends on how big your mouth is.
(6) You will get my attention when I choose to give
it to you. No sooner. You have no right to my attention, you will be punished if
you try to force me to give you attention. If you force me to pay attention to
you, you will not want the kind of attention you get.
(7a) Never start a sentence with 'Why didn't
you...' if you do not want a sarcastic answer. I do what is on my list, I
do what is important to get done. I do what I consider valuable or worthwhile.
None of the former includes what you want. If it should get done, it should be
explained to me, quickly, accurately, and without preconceptions how it should
be done. Then I will do it when things of that priority get done in the way I
see fit. I have no other system.
(7b) Things will get done in the order that I see
them necessary to get done. Yes, I may do them to get you to shut the fuck up,
however, be aware that you just forced me to pay attention to you, and that you
will suffer as a result.
(8a) Yes I make mistakes. Sometimes they are big
ones that cost time or money. I learn from them. Sometimes, I learn a lot from
my mistakes. Sometimes I learn nothing from them. When I learn nothing, it is
because I made the mistake of trying to work while you were yammering at me. So
shut your mouth and go back to work and we will ALL learn more.
(8b) I do not expect you to not make mistakes or to
be perfect. However I DO expect you to learn from your mistakes. Perfection is
not attainable, however it should be your goal.
(8c) If you make the same mistake twice, you were
not paying attention the first time. Make it three times, and you are plain
(9) Shit breaks. Get used to it. If you are lucky I
may help you fix it. However, I cannot change the fact that shit breaks. So shit
will break. Get used to it. If you don't like it, you were born in the wrong
universe, to fix that, kill yourself.
(10) If you do not know who is doing it,
I come to meetings to listen to what you are doing, and to share what I am doing
and so we can get some things done together. Pay attention, I assume you are.
There are only a few people in the building, most of them talk too much. You
have no excuse for not knowing what I am doing, and no grounds for complaining
that you did not know. I know what you are doing already, and I do not have to
leave my office to find out. You do not know because you do not listen.
(11) Weakness is not a virtue. Stop acting like it
is. Weakness makes you worth less to me, and beyond getting any respect, ever.
(12) Do not let me detect a sense of entitlement.
You will get what is coming to you anyway in one way or another, you do not need
to tell me what you should get. What you think you will get and what you
eventually get will never be the same.
(13) Do not ask me stuff that is on our web site, on
our support site, or on any web site, or newsgroup indexed by Google. At best,
you are wasting my time and making yourself look stupid and lazy. I learned much
of what I do and know by figuring it out myself. You should too. But I do not
expect you to duplicate my effort, so will share with you what you need to know.
(14) I do not care if you think you do not have time
to learn by yourself. I play dumb games on the internet, I watch 8 episodes of
Friends and Sponge-Bob Square-Pants every week, I mess around with my computer,
I have downloaded more porn than you thought existed, I read Slashdot several
times a day, and I stare off into space a lot. I STILL have enough time to learn
what I need on my own. You have no excuse not to learn what you need, aside from
weakness, stupidity or being lazy. This is not my problem, it is yours. Do not
expect me to act like it is anything other than your problem. If you do not
solve your own problems, they will follow you to your grave.
(15) If you are shown, taught or given documentation
on something but don't know it tomorrow; do not be surprised if I act like you
are stupid. My cat has a brain the size of a walnut, yet she knows what
"NO" means and changes her behavior based on the word. If you cannot
translate words on paper or in a classroom into real life actions, die now
please, you are a waste of biomass that could be used for roaches or something
else more useful than you are.
(16) If you do not take care of your own data,
nobody will. Don't stick files in stupid places then act all surprised when they
are lost. Do not take risks with your data, I don't. Do not ignore what I say
when I tell you how to deal with your data. Do not complain when shit breaks and
your data is gone, I told you how to keep it safe and you fucked yourself
anyway. How is that my problem?
(17) I do not send you pointless emails. Read all
that I send you, I promise I will make them worth your while. Respond to them or
delete them, or keep them, print them, pound them up your own ass, do whatever
suits you. However, you will be responsible for the information contained in
(18) Feel free to make judgments about me, as I will
make judgments about you regardless of your wishes. Deal with it. You will be
judged to my standards as I judge myself. Deal with it. I will act on my
judgments. Deal with it.
(19a) Your problems are yours. Do not agonize over
them in front of me. The answers are obvious to me. You are not solving them
because you are weak, pathetic, or stupid. Talk too much about them, I will give
you the answer, in a way you will find unpleasant or rude.
(19b) I didn't come to work today to hear about your
goddamn garden, your wallpaper, your bathroom, your new car, what you did last
weekend, or what that stupid fuck you married did, or how big your boyfriend's
cock is. I don't give a shit about your kids, and I don't want them here,
especially if they are spoiled or unsupervised. I came here to do some tasks,
sometimes I do them well. Ultimately, I do this work because I can get some
things done and get paid for it. Do not think for one moment I would stop and
give you the time of day if I did not work with you. If you are an exception to
this rule, you will know. If you are unsure... then you are not an exception to
(20) If you need to spend time/do something with
your kid or family. Fine. But do not expect me to do more work due to your
choice to have children or finger-fuck Christmas presents with your family. I
make my own choices, I deal with them. You make your own choices, deal with
them. I will not deal with your choices for you.
(21) Do not, ever, ask me to do something you would
not do yourself. I will do the same for you.
(22) Do not have contradictory opinions. I will
notice them. I will exploit them to make you feel as worthless or stupid as you
really are. Do not think that I do not have contradictory opinions. I have them.
Exploit them if you can.
(23) Do not expect me to do more than you do, even
though I often do more than you do the entire week in one day. Your expectations
are your own, my interaction with them will only to be to cram them back down
(24a) Do not complain about being busy. I know what
you are doing, what you did, and what you ate because you are NOT busy. If you
were busy, I would not know these things. If you were truly busy, you would stay
later. If you were truly busy, you would be at your desk all day, not out here
talking about your child, your club, you church, your car troubles, or the play
you went to last week.
(24b) The only response to a high workload from you I will
respect is more work, more efficient work, faster work, and more accurate work.
When you are out going to that play, going to your club, or flicking your own
clit, I was at home doing stupid grunt work and making up for shit you didn't do
during the day. Do not expect me to be happy about that. Ever.
(25) I know when you show up, I know when you leave,
I know what is on your hard drive and what you download on the internet. I know
this, because you do not clean up after yourself. Generally, I do not care about
these things. However, I will use them against you should I so desire. Remember,
every mistake you make is another tool for me to bludgeon you with when the time
comes. For your own protection, do not attack my faults if you have any of your
own. I retaliate.
(26) The computer in front of you is the most
complicated device you will ever encounter in your entire life. Treat it that
way. I can make it work, but you might not like how I get it working. So do not
break it in the first place.
(27) Do not complain about scarcity and then waste
yourself. Do not whine about how much you get paid then waste company money. Do
not bitch about what you think you deserve, how much memory you need, or how
your computer works. If you cared about these things, you wouldn't download
stupid screen savers, you would take care of your computer, you would turn out
the lights and your monitor at night, you would close your window when air
conditioning is on, and above all, you would be working and making some money -
not complaining. The company cannot give it to you if you don't make it for them
in the first place. Learn that. It may keep you from getting laid off some day.
It might have kept you from getting laid off last week. (ha ha!)
(28) Do not send me jokes. There is nothing on the
internet that you can find that I have not already seen. The only good an email
joke does for me is give me more ammo to get you booted from the company when
the time comes. Remember, I can complain just as well as you can. If management
acts on your irrational whining, they will act on mine as well. Do you really
want me to have that kind of power?
These are "Staying Words". They may
seem harsh. The world is harsh place. Earn my respect and I will watch your
back. Lose it and you are cast to the random wasteland created by your own
weakness and ineptitude. Deal with it.