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Stephen Hawking Going To Canada

plone Kidnapping Stephen Hawkings (204 comments)

Yeah, my name's Josh Beltash. I've been in a wheelchair for just over three years. I get by. I make quite a lot of inventions for myself. I made a little pantograph lift that'll take me up and down for the right level for the sink, but I think that this has got to be the best. That wheelchair will do best part of seventy mile an hour. More into seventy-two, we clocked it on the bypass, Gabriel timed me and, er, I reckon we could do eighty on a good day. But I'm not really a speed king myself, you know, so I'm going to give it away to Stephen Hawking, 'cause he's coming to London on June the second to do a talk, and Gabriel and me have got backstage passes. So when Hawking comes out into the car park for a piss, like he normally does before he gives his speech, we're going to jump him. Gabriel is going to bundle him in the van; we're going to drive up to an old airfield in Bedford and we're going to give the little fucker the ride of his life!

I've always seen him as a bit of a Brandoesque kind of a figure, so Gabe's going to thread him in the van. I reckon with a fair wind we could probably get him to do a hundred. We're going to film it on video. I'm not going to all that trouble just to see it once! And that will also help us shut him up, 'cause we're going to film him with his cock out, so if he ever does get any ideas about talking to anybody about it, he knows what we're going to do with the pictures. Fucking jumped up little spider!

(Thank you Chris Morris)

about 6 years ago

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