You Are All Being Open-Sourced
Dear Development Team Members:
As you well know, we have had some departmental budgetary challenges in the past year, which have led to cutbacks in such
items as Monday donuts, Starbucks-brand coffee in the cafeteria, and pizza parties to celebrate meeting project milestones.
Fortunately, we are still able to provide the free Mountain Dew fountain drink machine, and a half hour of Laser Tag on
Unfortunately, the economic slump continues, and our budget for next year is even more challenging. As a result
of decreased revenues, it will be hard to even meet our current payroll.
Fortunately, I have a brilliant solution to this
problem. As you know, we recently installed Interweb Security Content Filtering for websites accessed through our internet
connection. While perusing the Interweb access reports, I came to find that a significant portion of our department reads
the website "SlashDot.Org".
Following the links, I found that our department members were also participating in
discussions on the website. Through copious reading I was introduced to the concept of "Open Source Software", which is
apparently a philosophy which some of our team members agree with. In posts under the pseudonym "Anonymous Coward", it seems
that employees of this company felt free to enunciate their frustration with being forced to use Microsoft's operation
system and suite of development tools, and also espoused that they would be far more productive if they were allowed to use
"free software" tools such as "EMACS" and "Python".
After doing a "self-360", I realize that my own employees have given me the solution to our budget dilemmas, and I thank you for it. So I am pleased to finally announce: You are all being Open-Sourced.
In the interest of immediately reaping savings from our conversion to the "Free Software" mentality, I've cancelled the
order of new desktop PCs which were to replace the current depreciated models. In the spirit of Open Source, the team can
bring in memory and other parts from home to upgrade their existing PCs as needed; "Case Mods" will be permitted with signed
Also effective immediately, the salary basis for the department will be reduced to a "living wage".
Since we're now in "the Bazaar" (not "the Cathedral!") developers can cooperate to meet their needs. As a suggestion, any
employees who have difficulty making housing payments could consider living together in a "commune" of sorts, which should
further increase teamwork and camaradarie. This should also go over well with your spouses, (for those that have them) as they can share food-preparation and child-rearing duties in the "free software commune", which should be a benefit to all.
Needless to say, we will also be cancelling the terms of our Microsoft "Select"
licensing agreement, and will no longer be using Visual Studio .NET Enterprise Architect to build and package our product. I
am assuming that, with the help of open source tools, the team will be able to migrate our product's source tree from C# to
the "GCC" compiler within 4 weeks to meet our milestones and shipping date.
Also, I would like to make sure that everyone is aware that the Company's Intellectual Property is our greatest asset, and that no source code developed on company time
should be contributed or otherwise released to outside projects. We have invested in increased network monitoring tools to
alert senior management immediately if source code "packets" are detected leaving the company LAN, and the terms of the
Non-Disclosure agreement signed by all employees will be enforced to their full extent.
Please join me in looking forward to a great future for our company, as
we begin to reap the benefits of our new strategic "Free Software" focus!
With Warmest Regards,
Director of Information Systems
The Last Straw.
Hi, my name is confidential and I'm about to disclose to you a very discrete matter between my girlfriend and I, which I would readily like to share with you. But first, let me introduce to you my breath-taking girlfriend Kris. She's 19 y/o, tall, blond-haired, blue-eyed, a shiny smile of kindness. As to the physical aspects, she's very attractive, having lush tits, curved shaped-up luscious ample ass. As a daughter of a G.I. Lietenant-Colonel of Norwegian extraction, and a German nurse, she looks very "Nordic", very alike to a typical Scandinavian. She works at a well-known esteem restaurant in New York City and used to work at "7-Eleven" in Chevron gas station down in Pennsylvania. Well, for couple of years she's been having a bizarre habit/hobby, - farting on cream cakes... (beats me) It's amazing to see her taking off her pants, exposing her bare butt before me, then bending over, squating with it to the cake, and vigorously breaking winds all over it. It's so wierd! Once I decided to get down to it and asked her as to the meaning of this bizarre fetish, so she told me that it has turned her on since being a little girl. Beats me! She can hardly even explain it to herself!
So one day while I was visiting her at the restaurant, she approached me, took a cake out of the fridge, got undressed and carried out her constant ritual. I got suddenly so turned on, that my prick thought of punching my stretched pants, so I took 'em off. Astonished and grateful, I stared at my lover performing the ceremony easily and slowly, thanking Jesus Lord for her beauty. She bent down to place her ass in front of the cake, while I'm standing in the corner watching her drawing near her slit and shithole to approximately 2-3 inches from the cake, waiting patiently for the digestion gases to accumulate, then be thrust out of her body to meet the beneign cake. She told me she'd had the beans, so she was equiped with a lot of farts just to be proud of. After she let out a silent one, felt only due to its odor, she broke winds loudly, about 5 or 6 in a row, every one of them sounded like a canon bombardment, or at least - a starting motorcycle. The last one lasted 7 whole seconds. I think she passed gas at 500 ml bulk sum total. Initially the smell was hot, strong and condensed as the molecules were too dense. After a while when it began to spread, it has become sharp, punctual and less offensive. After about 20 seconds it felt all over the room, surprisingly turning me on. She raised from the bending position, getting up on her feet. As for the cake- after a few minutes it was a total mess, looked full of fungi and all sorts of bacteria and sour, still carrying Kris' wonderful smell.
Couple of minutes later a good looking young fella entered the restaurant and asked for a pie. Kris served him the foul smelling cake. He ate it unabruptly, unaware of the drama which had taken place just before. I was watching the scene while it was going on, I coundn't hold it in, and rushed to the staff's bathroom, bursting out laughing, lying on the floor twisting, until my belly was sore. 10 minutes later, after recovering from the wild laughter, I went out of the facility just to encounter the funny guy holding his stomach, with a tormented expression on his face, speeding all the way to get rid of the foul cake. I think he's just had at least 150 million germs...Bonappetite!
Ever since the beginning of my puberty I had a thing for farting. The superb vision for me is to watch Courtney Love and Geri Halliwell at a lounge with a birthday cake on the floor. Courtney and Geri hike down their pants, turn their bare butts at the cake from approximately 2 inches each one from different side, then simultaneously "beat the drum" on the cake, trying to blow the candles, as if attempting to compete each against the other when it comes to smell, rancidity, loudness and how long the fart lasts. And they release their intestinal methane gas until the room is increasingly rendered unbearable to stay in. Then they yank a slice of the cake and shove it down my throat full of their fart-aroma.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
After I read these messages I thought:
"This can't be just the work of one person."
"But how can there be two people with such a bizarre fetish?"
I KNOW about the furries, the stuffed animal fuckers, the shit eaters, the vores, the superhero swingers.
I know about all these fetishists who generate gigabytes of text and images on thousands of Yahoo Groups for every kind of fetish, no matter how obscure or bizarre, spending hours on IRC discussing the intimate details of sexual kicks that would make Kinsey drop his clipboard.
But has it come to this? Is there room in the morass of internet subcultures for cake farting?
There was only one way to find out. Muscle memory drove my fingers as I typed the URL which I had typed so many times before, but never for reasons so horrifying. The familiar logo beamed at me: blue, red, yellow, blue, green, red. It seemed to reassure that the Internet were as safe as a child's first toy; not the abandoned refrigerator full of AIDS infected syringes and rat poison that I know it to be.
It took me but a fraction of a second to type it, but I paused. I paused, and although I am not religious, I did something like praying, I hoped that the response would be "Your search...did not match any documents" - normally a disheartening response, but in this case it would validate my faith in all that is good in the world.
After a moment of hope, I pressed enter, and lost all faith.
Searched the web for cake farting. Results 1 - 10 of about 6,710. Search took 0.09 seconds.
Eric Bin Raymond: The September 11th Conspiracy Revealed
This is why we must consider: who had something to gain from the disasterous crimes of September 11th? Obviously not Osama Bin Laden, who would net no financial windfall from the destruction of the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Although he has loudly applauded the "terrorist" acts of September 11th and even tacitly taken credit for them, there is no reason to believe that he is anything more than a bandwagon jumper. Being blamed for the destruction of the World Trade Center has done more for his image than any amount of militant Islamic rhetoric.
But if not Bin Laden, then who?
It so happens that on December 11th, "coincidentally" 2 months after the tragedy, Credit Suisse First Boston quietly agreed to pay out US$100 million in order to settle an 18 month old investigation into its handling of certain high-profile technology IPOs (Initial Public Offerings). One of the most controversial amongst these being the IPO of VA Linux Systems, Inc. (LNUX) .
VA Linux Systems, Inc., now known as VA Software, is widely derided as a poster child of the dot-com bust, though inexplicably still in business. At the time of the IPO, VA Linux (Software) shares opened trading at nearly 10 times their $30 offer price, closing the first day of trading at $239.25. This meteoric rise made many early investors rich, strangely on account of a company which purports to sell a hobbyist operating system which can be obtained for free on the Internet. "The VA Linux initial public offering is a prime example of market manipulation in an IPO by investment banks, their customers and the issuing firm," said Steven Schulman, a partner in the law firm Milberg Weiss Bershad Hynes & Lerach, which specializes in filing shareholder suits.
"Because certain favored customers of the investment banks agreed to buy shares in a new issue at inflated prices in the aftermarket (in return for getting an allocation of the shares at the initial offering price) the share prices to which the IPO eventually soared were actually driven by artificial market forces," continues Schulman.
But what does the VA Software (Linux) IPO have to do with the attacks on September 11th, and what has that to do with the Credit Suisse settlement? Well, considering that VA Linux (Software) got CSFB into trouble in the first place, it stands to reason that the VA Linux (Software) Board of Directors were complicit in the stock fraud from beginning to end. As the investigation progressed against CSFB, the unscrupulous VA Software/Linux executives, their pockets bulging with filthy lucre plundered from trusting, hard-working investors, must have realized that their days in the country club were numbered if the SEC discovered their wrongdoings.
The SEC, or Securities Exchange Commission, is a federal regulatory agency, and cannot be bribed. Therefore, with a possible stint in federal prison looming large, Larry Augustin and the rest of the crooks, including outspoken gun violence advocate Eric S. Raymond, decided to undertake more active means to halt the investigation.
It so happened that all the evidence in the CSFB/VA Linux investigation was held at the SEC Northeast Regional Office in Manhattan. More specifically, 7 World Trade Center, Suite 1300. The board decided that a simple burglary or arson attempt would not be satisfactory to destroy the evidence; anything so simple had a significant chance of being botched, and regardless of success would leave too many witnesses or living accomplices.
It was then that Eric S. Raymond suggested something he had read in a book by Tom Clancy. Crashing two planes into the World Trade Center Plaza would guarantee the destruction of the SEC offices, killing the operatives and possibly a number of SEC investigators at the same time. The plan seemed flawless, and would cost little more than the price of a few plane tickets. In a secret session, the board voted unanimously in favour of Eric's suggestion, and began to put it into action.
VA Software/Linux, at the time of planning the attacks, had no shortage of H1-B visa workers, who they employed for the purpose of writing and improving hacking, encryption, and other terrorist tools for the Linux operating system. It had been decided that a hand-picked few of these foreign H1-B workers would be used as the "patsies" in the operation. A contest was held, and the most zealotous Linux advocates were chosen for this secret assignment, direct from the board of directors. They accepted their mission after being told that, if successful, it would guarantee the adoption of Linux in the desktop market.
Alan Cox was brought into the fold to provide some planning and logistics for the mission. It was he who determined that since there was no adequate flight simulator software for Linux, the patsies would need to train at a flight school in order to pull off the plan successfully. It was also his idea to hijack a third and fourth plane for the purpose of crashing them into Washington D.C., to express his extreme rage over the DMCA, or Digital Millenium Copyright Act. The board of directors agreed with this addition to the plan in the hopes that it would help divert attention from the purpose of the WTC attack.
The H1-B workers were given false identities by using Linux hacking tools. Once they had attended the necessary flight training, they stayed at the Massachusetts home of Richard M. Stallman for a brief "faith building" retreat. During this time spent at the house of Stallman, between the nauseating stench of patchouli, Stallman's incessant, pitiful recorder playing, and Stallman's droning seminars on the grammatical and syntactical accuracy of various statements by Microsoft representatives, the H1-B workers were effectively hypnotized to the point that they were ready to lay down their lives for Free Software. It was then that they departed for Boston's Logan International Airport to board the planes.
(The preceding inside information has been obtained from a credible source close to the VA Linux/Software Board of Directors. He/she is in hiding for obvious reasons in light of this damning evidence, but has presented hard, physical evidence of VA Software/Linux's complicity in the events of 9/11 to federal investigators.)
A Conversation with Human Resources
Human Resources Representative: Good afternoon, Stuart.
HR: As you may have
heard, we have been conducting interviews with certain personnel lately. In the current economic climate, our company is looking to reduce costs wherever
possible. This may also, unfortunately, include "right-sizing" in certain departments head counts. In order to be absolutely fair, we are giving the persons
whose positions are being considered for right-sizing the opportunity to justify their current positions worth. Do you understand?
going to fire me?
HR:No, Stuart. "Right-sizing" is not about firing people. Based on your answers to a few questions, your departments head count
will be evaluated. This may include shifting of positions and responsibilities, adjustments to salaries, and in some cases individuals may be released from
employment. Does this help you understand?
Stuart: I guess so...
HR: Alright, lets begin. According to our files, your present position is
Unix Systems Administrator, is that correct?
Stuart: Uhh, yeah.
HR: And what responsibilities, in your view, does your position
Stuart: I administer to the Unix systems, which includes 4 GNU/Linux Samba servers, 8 load-balanced GNU/Linux Apache web servers, and a
FreeBSD firewall... Hey, if you're looking to fi.. err, "right-size" somebody, why don't you look at the two NT admin guys? After all, they have much less
experience than me; they're just a bunch of paper MCSEs, which just means you memorized a bunch of stuff and passed a test. They don't have any real
admin experience, like with a GNU/Linux system.
HR: We'll get to that in just a moment. In what ways would you say your expertise is vital to the
continued operation of these servers?
Stuart: Well, I know just about everything there is to know about GNU/Linux and the associated GNU operating
HR: Mmmhmmm. In this email from the director of IS, he tells me that the company is considering the elimination of Linux from the
environment in order to lower our TCO -- total cost of operation, I think? No, total cost of ownership. He says we are considering replacing these servers
with Windows 2000 Advanced Server, running IIS 5. What do you think about this?
Stuart: That's a stupid idea. Winbl... err, Windows is extremely
difficult to administer. You have to keep up with new security patches coming out every 2 hours, and on top of all that you have to deal with the Blue Screen
of Death every day, and Microsoft charges you like 500 bucks every time you call them.
HR: So Windows is much harder to administer than
Stuart: That's right. As a matter of fact, if you just got rid of the Microsl... err, Microsoft boxen, you could replace them with GNU/Linux
and save some money on the licenses right there.
HR: Explain this to me. If Windows is so difficult to administer, why are the NT administrators
able to support twice as many servers, given their limited "real world" experience, and the fact that they are only "paper MCSEs"?
they're probably just not doing their job. After all, my FreeBSD box has a 279 day uptime. Their Microsh... err, Microsoft boxen are up and down
every week because of security patches.
HR: Yes, the FreeBSD firewall is an interesting topic. We had an outside security consultant come in, and he
found that the FreeBSD firewall had not been patched for a vulnerability in a program called "Open SSH". The NT servers were up-to-date on patches, and
properly secured. In addition, a large proportion of helpdesk tickets are called in because of issues with the Samba file servers. How do you respond to
Stuart: What? Gaah, the OpenSSH exploit was only a local root exploit!! There's no reason to take down a server with almost 300
days uptime to patch it!! And those people just have problems because they are running Windows 2000 on their PCs!! Microsoft deliberately changed the
SMB standard to cripple open source competitors!! If the users weren't so obsessed with using their Outlook calendars and their Powerpoint
presentations, they could just use Mandrake or something with StarOffice, and everything would be fine!!
HR: There's no reason to get excited,
Stuart. These are just questions we have to ask. Now, given that you say Linux is far easier to administer than Windows, is there any reason to believe that
if we bring on another NT administrator, he or she would be unable to support the Linux and BSD systems until they get migrated to Windows
Stuart: No... err, YES. It is easier, but... they just wouldn't understand!! There is a lot you have to know!! It's not just
all point and click and all that kiddie stuff!!! It's really hard, you have to be able to compile kernels and edit conf files!! They couldn't do what I
HR: OK, Stuart, I can understand your anxiety. We'll move away from that subject. Now, is there any possibility that you see for us to use
your skills in another position? For instance, would you be interested in earning your MCSE to become a junior administrator when we roll out the new Windows
Stuart: NO!! I DON'T USE THAT MICROTRASH!! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN GETTING A BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH EVERY 2 SECONDS AND SPENDING
THE REST OF THE TIME LISTENING TO STUPID USERS ASKING IDIOT QUESTIONS. OPEN SOURCE DOES EVERYTHING I NEED IT TO.
HR: Well, that tells us just about
everything we need to know. Stuart, your input is of course appreciated, and we will be taking all your comments under advisement. Your department
head will be contacting you soon to let you know about any change in your employment status. Thank you for your time.
Stuart: BYE. <slams