Choose your own planventure:
The Haunted Hoochie Momma Party
1. You've decided to reward youself for a long hard week by loosening up at a party. Due to a market saturation-style ad campaign by the Hoochie Momma party at younker, you thought you'd get your self all trashy looking and head on over for a good time, some drinks and some frottage.
You really like frottage.
Your friend Whaley thought that rubbing up against strangers at a dimly lit, pulsating to-do would be a blast, so he's decided to tag along. To ensure that he has a good time, he arrives at your dorm room utterly sloshed.
A: Tell him "no way I'm going out in public with you, you lush!"?
Storm off to paragraph 2
B: Strip upon his arrival to your room and take advantage of his weakened state?
Fornicate to paragraph 3 or
C: Yell "I love it!", link arms with Whaley, and stumble off to Younker?
Make your way to paragraph 5.
2. Whaley seems shocked at your response, eyeing that bottle of Boone's in your hand. Did I forget to mention that you're pleasantly impared as well? My mistake. I made you look like a fool. No matter, because Whaley is used to this sort of good natured abuse from your ass. That's why he just pinched it.
With your ass and his feelings a little sore, you head to Younker leaning on each other the whole way. As you two hooligans pass Darby, a thought slowly oozes into Whaley's mind, suggesting that he may know the DJ currently spinning the tunes at KDIC. He lurches clumbsily in the direction of the studio. Should you:
A: See what's happening up at KDIC?
Bop to paragraph 8.
B: Ditch the bum like you should have to begin with (hint hint).
Proceed to the Younker party in paragraph 7.
3. In his drunken stupor, Whaley can't seem to get his belt off fast enough for your sex starved body. You reach down to give him a hand, and feel something long and smooth in his pocket. After shooting him an evil grin, and hearing him give a slight gasp, you squeeze this mysterious object wantonly. You feel the glass vial give way in your now clenched fist. Whaley snickers and says, "Ahhhh, I was hoping to find a use for my anthrax." Just before he clubs you over the head with his bludgeon, he punches you in the ribs. I think you're dead. That's what you get for being randy.
4. What are you doing reading this paragraph? Nobody told you to go here! Can't you follow a few simple directions? Dumb fuck.
5. When you and Whaley finally reach the party, Younker is really hopping. There is a lot of booze and plenty of horny people up for some major frottage. You each grab a glass of grain alcohol and bump and grind your way into the center of the dance floor. You don't notice at first, but your eyes meet with none other than the girl from the Torkelsons! You loved that show and can't understand why it got cancelled. That bit at the end of the show when she would talk to the moon was simply a great device. Do you:
A: Ditch Whaley for that Torkelsons chick?
Oooze down to paragraph 10.
B: Flirt with the Torkleson's chick a whole really lot but don't ever get near her because you'd just rub up against her anyway and ruin everything?
Chickenshit to paragraph 12.
6. You score and you don't die. There's your happy ending. Cheater.
7. You arrive alone at the Younker party and realize that you gotta pee like Seabiscuit. Do you:
A. Use the Men's bathroom shower?
Urinate on paragraph 9.
B. Find a half empty beer cup that you know somebody's gonna want soon?
Disgust yourself right down to paragraph 13.
C. Pee on that electric fence over there?
You just died. Nope. Too late. You shouldn't have even read this one. Game over.
8. Despite knowing that there's not going to be enough drunk people up at KDIC to rub against and have them not notice, you head to the studio anyway. As you reach the top step, though, you realise that you may be wrong about the crowded, drunk scene at KDIC. There are about 15 people in the cramped studio and each of them has some sort of booze on hand. Whaley disappears into the crowd and you are left standing directly behind someone. At this point you don't care much who. You start rubbing youself up against this person who is inclined to turn around. You see the roundhouse coming from about 175 degrees away. Do you:
A. Down the rest of your drink to deaden the blow?
Dodge your way to paragraph 14.
B. Hoop-a ding?
See paragraph 11.
9. As you unzip your fly to ease the urination process someone walks into the bathroom to actually use the toilet. It turns out that this man lives on the floor, hates drunk people and hates people at parties on his floor. You are both of these, and are about to pee in his shower to boot. At this point there are no options left for you because, frankly, through this whole planventure you have been a poor decision maker. I think a little common sense, for instance, would have kept you from peeing in the shower. Oh, sure, some may say that they didn't choose to pee in the
shower at all -- that it was chosen for them. Bullshit. Like some interested god is hanging around determining *your* planventure fate. I've got a feeling god's got bigger fish to fry. Realizing your worthlessness as an individual, you ask the person, who is now looking at you quizzicly, to plunge his hand into your chest cavity and rip out your
still beating heart. He does so and you die.
10. You get a little closer to the television star, hoping for some sign that she thinks you might also be a television star, like maybe that Savage kid from boy meets world. Instead, you realize that she isn't that chick from the Torkelsons at all, but a reasonable facsimilie. You take one last swig from your grain alcohol beverage (that tastes a little more like urine than you remember since you sat it down) and head over to her.
Get your ass to paragraph 11.
11. You wink slyly at her, and she says something about your friend being in a cult. You're confused but brush it off and ask for some booty anyway. She takes you into the men's bathroom
Paragraph 9 is calling. Aren't you thrilled?!
12. oops. I meant paragraph 11. Sorry. Do you:
A. Go to paragraph 11?
Go to paragraph 11.
B. Go to some other paragraph out of spite?
Go to paragraph 6 out of spite.
C. Stop reading this plan altogether like you should have done 5 minutes ago?
Go to paragraph 15 with haste.
13. You turn your head and spy a KFC glass over by the television. After snaking your way past the crowd, you grab the KFC glass and unzip your pants. Are you:
Do something womanly to paragraph 18.
Do something you're supposed to do to 16.
14. Slurrrrrp! KERPLAW! Whoa. He wailed on you!
Better run to paragraph 17.
15. Now go to paragraph 17.
See you at paragraph 17.
16. You whip it out and pee in the KFC glass. Suddenly you spot Melissa Joan Heart, that loveable scamp from Clarissa Explains it All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch!
Back to the party: paragraph 10.
17. Your head splits in two like a freshly cleaved pair of siamese twins. Just before your duramatter sprays all over the room and ruins everybody's swell time, you manage in your incoherence to say something really nasty about your best friends mom. Your last living moment is spent watching tears well up in your dear, drunk friend's eyes. You jerk.
18. Sorry. This, being the last paragraph, is the end of the story. Hey, even a choose your own planventure's gotta have some structure. Tough luck. Besides, what's a woman doing reading a choose your own planventure anyway? That's for pre-adolescent boys. Grow up and get gendered!
This has been a choose your own planventure. To play along, you need a terminal window that can scroll about 300 lines and some spare time. Or you can request the home game and I might email it to you. I engourage you to play by the rules at least once, just to get the full enjoyment out of it. Structure really can enhance pleasure in some cases. Chaos isn't always fun.